I really dislike being put into situations with strangers where they are trying to break the ice with some corny comment.
One of my most favorite things in the world is the lame attempt at humor via tired old phrases.
I especially like when I hear a new one - well it could be old, but it’s new to me - that is every bit as lame as lame phrases from old.
Yesterday, at the Scooter’s drive thru, I purchased a large cup of dark roast coffee. I prefer scooter’s to Starbuck’s because I can usually get some coffee by ordering entirely in English. I know you’re thinking, “Yeah, Ok, whatever Rush Limbaugh!” Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of these people that thinks English is the only patriotic language. I don’t think that the language you speak makes you any more or less a great lady golfer. I just prefer to order coffee in English. Mostly because that’s the language I’m most comfortable with (with which I’m most comfortable, I mean).
So anyway, the total of the “large” “coffee” with tax was $1.95. Sweet! I’ve got 2 dollars.
Another thing that I’d like to mention at this point is one of age and culture. My grandparents were raised in a time that good restaurant service was rewarded with a 10% tip. For my parents, it was 15%. Now, 20% is the tip for ok service. Lousy service still gets 15%
I think tipping is appropriate in places like: Restaurants, Full service Gas stations (R.I.P.), Beauty Salons, Tailors and Strip Clubs. Places where there was some actual service being provided by an expert.
You never tipped at self service places where the main qualification is that you’ve decided college isn’t for you: Fast food restaurants, grocery stores, self serve gas stations (all gas stations) and uh drive thru coffee shops.
Smart server people know that when you set the money on the table to pay the bill, they should always ask if you need change back: Example:
“I’ll be your cashier when you are ready!”
So you throw down a twenty for a nine dollar tab.
“Do you need any change back?” (a good wait person will laugh and laugh at whatever you say, once you point out that yeah – you are not tipping 120% today).
A good wait person will also hand you 1 five and 6 ones, so you can conveniently tip more than a dollar, but less than 10.
But I’m not talking about good waiters. I’m talking about people who dump whipped milk in coffee, charge 5 bucks and want a tip for that. Or am I talking about sandwiches? I was recently at a Schlotzsky’s where not only was there a tip jar, but also the cashier gave me an abundance of ones. I probably should have said “Hey – I’m not going to tip you, so could I just get a 5? But anyways …
Of course there’s a tip jar there at the drive thru window of Scooter’s. Recall, I’m talking about Scooter’s. Someone has written “College Fund” on the jar (presumably, the excuse this pierce-faced winner is not in school). I guess I’m supposed to pay for your college. But I’m not going to, because you’ll just blow the money down at Exotica, buying crap to stick through your face. Had they written something like “Kolleej Phundde”, I’d be shoving money in there. Because that’s funny. But no.
So I hand over the 2 bucks, get my piping hot coffee, and
“Here’s your nickel. Now you can give someone a penny for their thoughts with interest!”
It was at this point that she stopped talking, but only in reality. In my mind she would not shut up about me not giving her a tip for filling the cup with delicious coffee and putting a lid on it – ensuring only my thumb would be scalded in the event of a spill.
In my mind she said, “ … for their thoughts with interest you cheap bastard. You come in here and pay 2 bucks for some brown water we ran over some crushed beans and you can’t even throw a buck our way. Well you can shove that nickel up your ass! With interest! Prick."
Does that even make any sense? "Penny for your thoughts, plus interest." Does it mean I struck some deal with someone? I offered them a penny for their thoughts but didn't actually have it on me? So I promised to make it right at a later date, when I could scrape up the cash? Then before the disclosure of thought commenced, we drew up a rough contract, agreeing on the conditions of payment. The interest rate was extremely steep, but the cost for the thoughts was so low I just couldn't pass it up.
Actually, that is kind of funny. Never mind I have to go put a tip in the scooter's college fund jar.
I love coffee.
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