Note: This review of the latest Star Wars movie was written a few weeks after it came out. It was winter and very cold out. That matters.
Last night, we went to see the new Star Wars movie. I can't say for sure yet, but it might just be the best Star Wars movie of all time! Why can't I say for sure? Let me explain ...
I hadn’t really heard anything about it. I don’t actively avoid hearing about movies, but I don’t seek out information either. I like to make up my own mind about a movie without the influence of preconceived notions or expectations. I have found that going into a movie with high hopes can often result in disappointment. I’ve seen many excellent movies that I didn’t appreciate while I was first watching them because they were so highly acclaimed.
Forrest Gump is the one that comes to mind. Forrest Gump was in the theaters for roughly 7 years before I finally went to see it. Everybody I knew was saying it was the best movie ever and they should just stop making movies now. Everybody just wants to watch Forrest Gump forever or something. I knew a little about it. It was about a mentally handicapped guy who walked around talking about chocolates. I wasn’t too interested until it won the academy award for best motion picture ever. I’m pretty sure it won all of the academy awards for everything that year.
Last night, we went to see the new Star Wars movie. I can't say for sure yet, but it might just be the best Star Wars movie of all time! Why can't I say for sure? Let me explain ...
I hadn’t really heard anything about it. I don’t actively avoid hearing about movies, but I don’t seek out information either. I like to make up my own mind about a movie without the influence of preconceived notions or expectations. I have found that going into a movie with high hopes can often result in disappointment. I’ve seen many excellent movies that I didn’t appreciate while I was first watching them because they were so highly acclaimed.
Forrest Gump is the one that comes to mind. Forrest Gump was in the theaters for roughly 7 years before I finally went to see it. Everybody I knew was saying it was the best movie ever and they should just stop making movies now. Everybody just wants to watch Forrest Gump forever or something. I knew a little about it. It was about a mentally handicapped guy who walked around talking about chocolates. I wasn’t too interested until it won the academy award for best motion picture ever. I’m pretty sure it won all of the academy awards for everything that year.
One of my favorite movies of all time is “The Shawshank Redemption, a prison love story.”
“Shawshank” as the fanboys call it, was up against “Gump”
for best picture. Gump won – so I now had really high expectations for Gump. It
had to be even better than Shawshank Redemption.
So I went to see it.
So I went to see it.
I did not like it.
But how could I?
If I had known nothing about the movie, I would have thought, “Ok that’s kind of a cute little “Being There” sort of movie (though not nearly as good as “Being There”) that tries to make some sort of deep statement here and there about “Vietnam was a crazy time, man.”
I would have liked it. Not loved it, but I would have thought “Hey – the lesser of the 2 guys from ‘Bosom Buddies’ isn’t a horrible actor” Peter Scalari totally carried that show.
Unfortunately, I was expecting a movie that was better than “Shawshank.”
There’s no such thing.
Well, maybe (just maybe) there is now …
Well, maybe (just maybe) there is now …
I went to this new "Star Wars: Hey, I Thought She Died" movie not having any idea if I’d like it or not. I’ve heard snippets of high praise and equal measures of “not so much.”
Part of the allure of seeing “Star Wars - The Motion Picture” last night was that it was Tuesday. In Omaha, that means all tickets are just five dollars each.
We got to the theater at around 6:55 for a 7:00 start. No concern. I figured there would be at least 10 minutes of trailers (I didn’t know the half of it) and there were a total of 4 people in line for tickets in front of us.
The first two in line were receiving perhaps the most exhaustive customer service I’ve ever seen from a ticket wench. It was a grandmother and her grandson. The Grandmother wanted to see “Star Wars” and the grandson wanted to see Jumanji, with wrestling’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I don’t know anything about how the ticket vending software works, but there appears to be a more complicated procedure in calculating the grand total if there is more than one movie involved in a single transaction. After a few minutes, the capable staff at “The Regal Theater” in North Omaha had it mostly worked out. Since there were 2 tickets sold and even though each ticket was for a different movie, the total came to … ten dollars.
Whew. Glad that’s over. Now all grandma has to do is pay and then it’s 2 more people before I get up there and order four tickets to “Star Wars: Episode who knows”
It’s only been five minutes (since we got into line) and
already two tickets have been sold.
Then the cashier says, “Are you a member of our …”
Fuck.
“Why no, tell me about that,” says grandma. It better be 15 minutes of trailers.
So after the nice lady tells grandma all of the details of
the benefits of membership, and signs her up and tells her what she needs to do
when she gets home and everything, she swipes the new member card and
recalculates the total price for the 2 tickets to the amazingly low price of
exactly the same as it was before.
Then grandma does something I’ve never seen before but totally should have seen coming. She pulls a pack of cards about four inches thick from her pocketbook. Grandmas don’t have purses. They have pocketbooks.
This stack of cards is an assortment of credit cards mixed in with rewards cards from I can only imagine represent “everywhere she’s ever been”
As she shuffles through the enormous deck, looking for the one credit card that is not maxed out, she is comforted by the fact that there is no need to hurry, because there will be a bunch of trailers anyway.
She pays and now it’s story time. The cashier embarks on that epic tale passed down for generations on how to find “Theater 1”
“Is it that one right there with the big ‘1’ on the door?” I don’t say, not pointing 30 feet over to the left (my left).
With that out of the way, there are only two more to take care of. They are not nearly as slow as Grandma and Jumanji, but they are also completely unprepared when their time at bat comes. First of all, they are not together and they’ve been standing there for so long, I think they forgot where they were. They definitely didn’t know who was next, but luckily, we’re in Nebraska, so they each insist that the other go first. Like it matters. The movie will start at the same time for both of them, right? Eventually, one of them stepped up like some kind of rude-ass New Yorker and ordered a ticket for Either “Star Wars, Rise of the Sithilis” or “The non-mork Jumanji”.
Each exchange was identical for the two remaining patrons in front of me, so I will just describe it once and then you can read it twice.
“That comes to 5 dollars.”
Then grandma does something I’ve never seen before but totally should have seen coming. She pulls a pack of cards about four inches thick from her pocketbook. Grandmas don’t have purses. They have pocketbooks.
This stack of cards is an assortment of credit cards mixed in with rewards cards from I can only imagine represent “everywhere she’s ever been”
As she shuffles through the enormous deck, looking for the one credit card that is not maxed out, she is comforted by the fact that there is no need to hurry, because there will be a bunch of trailers anyway.
She pays and now it’s story time. The cashier embarks on that epic tale passed down for generations on how to find “Theater 1”
“Is it that one right there with the big ‘1’ on the door?” I don’t say, not pointing 30 feet over to the left (my left).
With that out of the way, there are only two more to take care of. They are not nearly as slow as Grandma and Jumanji, but they are also completely unprepared when their time at bat comes. First of all, they are not together and they’ve been standing there for so long, I think they forgot where they were. They definitely didn’t know who was next, but luckily, we’re in Nebraska, so they each insist that the other go first. Like it matters. The movie will start at the same time for both of them, right? Eventually, one of them stepped up like some kind of rude-ass New Yorker and ordered a ticket for Either “Star Wars, Rise of the Sithilis” or “The non-mork Jumanji”.
Each exchange was identical for the two remaining patrons in front of me, so I will just describe it once and then you can read it twice.
“That comes to 5 dollars.”
“What’s that?”
“5 dollars”
“Oh ok. Thank you. Let me take this time now to find my money. I’m not sure where it is.”
Person digs out 3 ones, some lint and way too much change. She pushes it toward the cashier like an “all-in” poker player.
“Are you a member of our …”
“Why yes I am,“ narrowly averting a double homicide.
As she listens carefully to the same story about the legend of how to find Theater 1, I open my wallet and pull out a $20, just in time to say this:
“Four for Star Wars”
“Ok that’s …”
“Here’s 20. I’m not a member of your whatever and I don’t want to be. Theater 1 is right there. I will enjoy the show.”
So we sit down at 7:10 in time for a full 10 minutes of trailers.
There’s one where Wolverine plays a circus mogul who is the only person in the world who understands freaks and how best to exploit them. It looks pretty fucking touching.
There’s one where Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson befriends a white gorilla named George who grows real big and then everybody wants to kill it. But Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson wants him to stay alive. George also appears to have a huge wolf friend.
I think there was a Jurassic park trailer too. There were dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum, so it was probably Jurassic park, but I’m not sure.
Then there was a scary movie about if you make noise, the things will kill you – so the family just sits around playing Monopoly with felt pieces until the stupid brother knocks over a lamp. That’s enough noise to start the attack. Not sure how they fart in this world. Maybe that will be the joke:
Q: how do they fart in that one movie where you have to be quiet?
A: Very quietly. Get it? Quietly. Hardy har har.
Then finally. The movie started. "Star Wars: Don't Even Think about the Episode Number"
It started the same way they all do and I found myself in an extremely relaxed mood. I had had a strenuous workout. My legs were sore and I was just plain ready for a good old fashioned Star Wars flick. There were only a few people in the theater (including that stupid kid who decided he wanted to watch Star Wars with Grandma instead of flying solo at Jumanji, Starring Not Vin Deisel. Awww!
So I kicked off my shoes and put my feet up on the back of the chair in front of me and smiled. This movie was going to be great no matter what.
Spoiler Alerts ahead!
So about 10 minutes into the movie, just after some hilarious exchange between some Han Solo wannabe and some Imperial Jackass, there's a terrific space battle going on. Explosions, deaths, flashing lights, Announcements over the loud speaker. Really? Flashing Lights? Hey Wait. Those lights are flashing from the side. Like the wall. Not the screen.
"... Repeat. Please exit the building in an orderly fashion. This is an emergency ..."
So yeah - we had to all get up and leave the theater. As we approached the exit, one set of doors to leave was blocked off because there was a ton of shit water raining down through the ceiling. Apparently, some toilet pipe had burst or something. I'm no plumber, but it did not smell good.
Good thing I took the time to put my shoes back on before joining in on the emergency exodus deal.
Once we got outside, we looked back in to see an ice rink of water-poo forming. It was seeping from the doors out to the parking lot. Many people were standing around demanding a "fucking refund" but we just left. I figured the fine folks at the regal theater would make it right if I just stopped by at a more, uh, convenient time.
Anyway, that's why I can't say for sure if this is the Best Star Wars movie ever. I have only seen the first 10 minutes or so of it. But so far so good. I actually spent more time watching trailers than the movie.
~~
Follow up from 24 hours later: We went back to the theater and they let us in to see "Star Wars: Now with less Poopy Water" for free. Also, they gave us 4 tickets to come see another movie sometime. Score.
And yeah - was it the best Star wars Movie of all time? Well, I don't know if you can say it was better than the first 2. But I can. It was the best one ever.
The End.
It started the same way they all do and I found myself in an extremely relaxed mood. I had had a strenuous workout. My legs were sore and I was just plain ready for a good old fashioned Star Wars flick. There were only a few people in the theater (including that stupid kid who decided he wanted to watch Star Wars with Grandma instead of flying solo at Jumanji, Starring Not Vin Deisel. Awww!
So I kicked off my shoes and put my feet up on the back of the chair in front of me and smiled. This movie was going to be great no matter what.
Spoiler Alerts ahead!
So about 10 minutes into the movie, just after some hilarious exchange between some Han Solo wannabe and some Imperial Jackass, there's a terrific space battle going on. Explosions, deaths, flashing lights, Announcements over the loud speaker. Really? Flashing Lights? Hey Wait. Those lights are flashing from the side. Like the wall. Not the screen.
"... Repeat. Please exit the building in an orderly fashion. This is an emergency ..."
So yeah - we had to all get up and leave the theater. As we approached the exit, one set of doors to leave was blocked off because there was a ton of shit water raining down through the ceiling. Apparently, some toilet pipe had burst or something. I'm no plumber, but it did not smell good.
Good thing I took the time to put my shoes back on before joining in on the emergency exodus deal.
Once we got outside, we looked back in to see an ice rink of water-poo forming. It was seeping from the doors out to the parking lot. Many people were standing around demanding a "fucking refund" but we just left. I figured the fine folks at the regal theater would make it right if I just stopped by at a more, uh, convenient time.
Anyway, that's why I can't say for sure if this is the Best Star Wars movie ever. I have only seen the first 10 minutes or so of it. But so far so good. I actually spent more time watching trailers than the movie.
~~
Follow up from 24 hours later: We went back to the theater and they let us in to see "Star Wars: Now with less Poopy Water" for free. Also, they gave us 4 tickets to come see another movie sometime. Score.
And yeah - was it the best Star wars Movie of all time? Well, I don't know if you can say it was better than the first 2. But I can. It was the best one ever.
The End.
