Bicycling Magazine

When I was first taking an interest in cycling roughly 35 to 40 years ago, I was hanging around in various bike shops drooling over some of the more elite road bikes.  Sometimes I’d notice a copy of a cycling related magazine on the counter of one of these places.  It was called “Bicycling.”  At the time, I figured it must be the written authority on everything cycling related.  I flipped through some pages and upon seeing the stunning beauty of the photos and the wealth of information therein, realized that once I had my own money and everything, I was going to definitely subscribe.

And I did.  I bought a nice 1986 Bianchi Campione d'Italia and subscribed to Bicycling Magazine.  Just for one year though.  I didn't really ride enough to care about any of that stuff.  I read maybe the first issue, and even though it seemed chock full of useful information, I never opened any of the other 11 issues that came to me.

But the next time I got into cycling ...  I had been riding consistently for a couple of years and decided it was time.  I was accomplished enough to deserve Bicycling Magazine.  I thought of it as almost something you had to have if you were anybody who had an interest in "riding bikes."  I subscribed.  Unlike the time before, I read each issue cover to cover.  There were interesting columns, useful product reviews, and even bike related fiction stories.

I think I had the magazine for 2 years before I realized they didn't really have anything new to say.  Each issue was basically a different spin on the same old crap.  Yes, there are new technologies or fads that come around, but I don't really care about those.  They will get to me eventually.

I don't know if they still do this, but the main thing I hated back then was the training plans.  Almost every issue would have some 12 week plan that you needed to follow if you wanted to achieve some greatness on the bike.

Then the next issue would come and there was a new, different plan.  Hey - wait - I was still on the last plan.  Do I need to add this to it?  That's when I realized they were writing to a crowd they knew was not going to stick to a plan.

Also, they had lists.  On the cover of each issue would be something like, "7 Ways to Make You a Mountain Goat,"  "5 Foods to Supercharge Your Legs,"  "4 Steps to Demonic Descents," etc.

It got annoying and old quickly.  Too many ads.  Too many reviews on really expensive crap.  Too little cycling news.

So I switched over to VeloNews and figured now I had really arrived!  And though this post isn't about VeloNews I will say this.  Fuck those guys too.

Anyways, last Saturday I found two issues of "Bicycling Magazine" in my mailbox.  I quickly checked the name and address.  They were mine.  I never ordered Bicycling.  So in my instant anger that they would just send these to me without my asking, I called the customer service line.  While the phone rang, I composed a brilliant speech for whoever (or is it whomevereth?)  answered the phone.  The following is a transcript of that speech:

   I don't know why you fuckers sent your shit to my house, but don't do it anymore.  I absolutely despise your shitty magazine.  Good day sir or madam!  Slam.

But unfortunately, I was greeted with a recording that informed me that I needed to call during the week and at certain hours if I wanted to tell somebody how shitty one of their magazines was.

So I sat at my desk and waited for Monday.  After about an hour of waiting (this was Saturday afternoon), I absentmindedly started flipping through one of the issues.  I couldn't believe what I saw.  This is not your father's Bicycling magazine.  They have completely changed.  They have heard the cry of their readers.  They even changed the lettering on the front cover!

The first thing I noticed was a helpful guide for getting the most out of your Cyclocross experience.  What!?!  I'm thinking of maybe doing some cross this year.  This is perfect for me!  Tell me what I need, Bicycling Magazine.  I'm not sure if it will stack up well next to the personalized tips I get from 2013 World Cyclocross Champion, Mark Savery, but it couldn't hurt.  I'm your newest fan, Bicycling Magazine!

Um.  What's that Bicycling Magazine?  I'm supposed to wear those for cyclocross?  Um.

Ok, but I don't think I could ride very well in them.  Oh wait ...

Spectating?  You've completely given up, Bicycling.  You're now a magazine that tells people how to look at people "riding bikes."  You suck.

"All the other cyclocross spectators used to point and laugh at my cold wet feet.  Not anymore, thanks to my new SpeedVagen Pit Boots!  Thanks, Bicycling's Jennifer Sherry!"

"Hey Cube.  You've been getting a lot of miles in.  You should seriously consider cross this year."

"Gee.  You really think I could race cross?"

"Race?  No.  You should come and watch some races, silly."

Well maybe I'll turn a few more pages and see if there's any useful reviews of overpriced products like there used to be.  Ok here's one, but it doesn't really apply to me.  Or does it, Munson?  Well, at only $130 each, I can't afford not to get both of them.

Ok, that was useful.  What else do we have?  How to be styling on a bike? Yeah, count me in!

Ok, I'm not riding in that, no matter how cool it is supposed to ... Hey wait a minute.  What's that bike?

Dammit.  That's my bike.  Get away from it, Style lady!  I just got done making fun of Munson.  Where'd you get that bike anyway?  Oh I see.

It's a classic Bicycling Huangist review.  About my sweet new Lumina (Some day, if you're lucky, I'll explain why I named it after perhaps the most boring car ever made).

Ok Bicycling Magazine.  I took your advice.  I bought this great new bike so I could still pay daycare and the mortgage.  But now what?  What's with all these levers and sprockets and things?  How do these gizmos work?

It all seems a little confusing.  Smallest cog harder?  Largest cog easier?  I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree Bicycling Magazine.  Anyway, thanks for the info.  I've cut out the "Cheat Sheet" and pasted it to that one tube on my bike frame that's on the top.  I don't know what it's called.  Hey there's an idea.  How about a feature for your next magazine about the names of the bike frame tubes.  I always get that confused.

You do that for me and I will surely subscribe.  As long as you print the same information again in a couple of issues.  Oh yeah - and make sure I get the 2014 Buyer's guide with my paid subscription.  And The Swimsuit Issue, of course.  Thanks Bicycling Magazine!