Grandpa Handsome's Opus

I've been thinking about my dad this week.  His birthday is next week and Christmas is the following week. 

He has 3 children (that he knows about - Hardy har har!) and he has always told us not to get him anything for either Christmas or his birthday.  Normally we'd get something for him in direct defiance.  Usually we chip in for something.   Last year for Christmas we got him a Roku so he could watch Netflix.  It was a good gift.  We got him logged on to my sister's Netflix account and other than sports, that's all he watches.  

He's told me several times that it was the perfect gift.

Well last Sunday, he asked, "You know how I always say don't get me anything for Christmas?"

"Yes."

"This year I have an idea of something I'd like but I don't want to pay for."

"Let's hear it, pops," is paraphrasing what I said.

Then he went into great detail about what he wanted.  He was so clear, that it was not easy to find what he asked for that met the exact specifications.  Maybe that was the real reason he asked.  Maybe he couldn't find the exact item himself and he knows I'm good with "The computers and internet and that crap".

He wants a Huskers related sweatshirt.  A black Huskers sweatshirt.  Not a hoodie.  Crew neck.  It should say "Blackshirts" on it in a simple design.  Size large.

Ok - I figured that would be easy enough.  

But an online search was not too helpful.  I had expected a bunch of name brand sweatshirts that fit the description, but I didn't find any I could be sure about.

So I figured I was going to have to do actual walking around in an actual store.

Sigh.

So I went to Husker Hounds where I always feel like the smartest person in the room.  

But before I chat about Husker Hounds, I want to say at this point that my dad's contribution to my DNA was in full force.  I was buying the sweatshirt with the full knowledge that my sister had already bought him one.

The day after Dad told me he wanted this shirt, my sister called me to tell me that she had already gotten him one.

Dad had called her for some other reason and "casually" mentioned that he told me he wanted that shirt.  Michele was confused because he had told her the same thing 3 weeks before.  She figured he must've completely forgotten.  Maybe he was drunk. Maybe.  But Michele kept her mouth shut about it.  She figured she'd just let me know.

When she told me, I asked Michele if the sweatshirt she bought for dad said "Blackshirts."

Aha!  She fucked up!  I'm the better!  I'm the better!

But only because he never said anything about Blackshirts to Michele. He only said Huskers.  We all know every Blackshirt is a Husker, but relatively few Huskers are Blackshirts.  

So I said, Fuck it.  I'm getting him one anyway.  Maybe he wants 2 of them.  Maybe he was drunk when he called me too.  Maybe.  Maybe in his theoretical drunkeness, he was trying to say "Black sweatshirt," but it came out "Blackshirt sweatshirt. hic!"  I don't know - but he's getting that damn shirt.

Except they don't have any of those at Husker hounds.  

After a thorough search of the place, I found some 2013 Nebraska Vs UCLA t-shirts at the incredibly low price of $3.  (UCLA beat Nebraska that game).

I'm sorry - I have to back up a second.  I was purposely omitting something from the story to torment Brady.   But I can't do it any longer.  It's about when I mentioned Netflix above.  My dad refuses to call Netflix "Netflix".  He can only pronounce it as "The Netflick".  Now we all do.  Because it's funny.

So after looking around for about 20 minutes, I went up to the counter of Husker Hounds and gave the particulars of what I was looking for.

"I have a ton of them that are hoodies," She said.

"Hmm.  No.  He was pretty clear on that."

"Your dad needs to embrace the hoodie.  What is it with old guys?"  She said.

"Maybe they don't want to look like fucking douchebag teenage gangster types,"  I posited.

I didn't really say that (I was thinking it) but it's true.  She really did make that statement.  The thing is, when you are young, you think everybody will look cool in what stupid high schoolers like to wear.  This is not true.  Everyone should dress age appropriately or be considered pathetic.

Perhaps the Husker Hounds lady knew that sitting in the tiny little unheralded shop a few blocks away was exactly what I was looking for.  

I walked into Huskers Express and about 2 minutes later was leaving with the garment that perfectly matched Dad's extremely detailed description.

Then I got home and the phone rang.  It was Michele.

She told me that after she got off the phone with me (to tell me she already got dad a sweatshirt) , he called her and said, "I have an idea of something you can get me for Christmas."

I'm sure you don't need a timeline at this point, but I do.

3 weeks ago: Dad tells Michele he wants a sweatshirt for Christmas

Sunday: Dad tells me he wants a sweatshirt for Christmas.

Monday: Dad tells Michele he told me he wants a sweatshirt for Christmas

Tuesday: Dad tells Michele he has an idea of something she can get him for Christmas

Wednesday: I buy a sweatshirt for Dad knowing Michele already got him one.

Later Wednesday:

So Michele tells Dad she already got his Christmas gift, but what did he want.   He refuses to tell her.  She really wants to know not because she'll get it for him, but because if he says he wants a black Huskers sweatshirt, we're really going to laugh at his failing mind (we're a close family).

She promises not to get whatever he asks, but he still won't say.  He has seemingly not only forgotten that he told her a few weeks ago what he wanted.  Now it seems like he's forgotten that he told me that he wanted the same thing.

Hang on - it's about to get weird.

Michele figures that it's ok, because Dad will probably call one of us the next day and tell us what he wants for Christmas (he did).  Then we can know if there were 2 different things or it was about the sweatshirt again.

The thought is that it could be something completely different from a sweatshirt because he's forgotten that he told Michele what he wanted.  Also - if it's something different - I could maybe get that instead of the second sweatshirt (I'm not falling for that trick, by the way).  

I'm rooting for the sweatshirt.  Michele is too.  But we're both wrong.  Sort of.  More on that later.

But I'd like to think the whole thing is a setup.  My dad is and always will be a prankster.

When we were kids, if he went to get fast food for everybody, I could usually count on there being a big bite out of my hamburger as I unwrapped it.  Then Dad would get indignant about the people at the fast food place taking a bite out of my "sammich."

"I'd be mad if I were you.  Those assholes at Burger king took a bite out of your sammich! Can you believe that?"

"No.  I can't"

Anyway, all week, I've been emailing back and forth with my therapist about my dad.  It's nice to see my situation from another point of view.  The therapist hit upon something that brought to light what is actually going on here.  Seriously, Keyser Soze would be impressed.

Dad knows us too well.  Here's what happened:

Dad hates getting gifts from us.  He's always told us that.  Over the past few years, he's given us incredibly generous gifts of cash. But still, we insist on getting something for him.  

He never knows what it's going to be because he never tells us anything.  He receives the gifts graciously, but there is anger behind those dark eyes.

This year he figured he'd finally get his revenge.  He had to tell Michele earlier because she gets her shopping done.  He had time with me.

After telling me what he wanted, he had to let Michele know about it so she'd call me.

When she didn't remind him that he had already told her he wanted the same thing, he knew he had us.

I don't know if he knew that I'd go ahead and buy the sweatshirt or not.  But he had it covered either way.  That's why he added the "Blackshirt" detail to his request for me.

If I did buy the shirt - he could say, "Two of the same thing.  Nice"

If I didn't he could say, "I wanted one that said 'Blackshirts' too."

Trust me.  He'd do it.

Then when he told Michele there was something he wanted, but wouldn't tell her what it was.  He knew she would have already gotten him the sweatshirt and that maybe I could get him whatever this other thing was.  That was just for added torment.

Next and what I just found out just now because I called Michele to ask her about the order of the events of the week.

Dad called her yet again and said it was towels he wanted.  Just plain old non-hoodie towels.  But not to get them because he already got them for himself.

Yeah, right.  Now I' going to get him towels too.  I'm on to you dad!

And that's the true meaning of Christmas.