I was going in to get a cup of coffee. Small.
Small is the best value. Not per ounce. Per price.
See, the medium is just a few pennies more than the small and a few pennies less than the large.
I used to get the large because it was the cheapest per ounce.
Eventually I realized that I would end up drinking only about half of it and dumping the rest out - so yeah, small is the best value.
When I get the coffee, I usually mix the regular blend with the hazelnut. About 80/20 regular/hazelnut.
I like the flavor of hazelnut. But it's too much in pure form, so I step on it a few times. 20% Hzl is about all I can handle.
A couple of weeks ago a customer, let's call her "Julie" was trying to decide what kind of coffee to get.
The crusty old worker lady in there, let's call her "Crusty" said "You should just mix some hazelnut with regular. It's really good that way."
I was irritated by the suggestion. Not that I thought Crusty stole my idea or anything. No - I was mad because now I couldn't get the coffee the way I wanted because Crusty would see it and expect some sort of recognition for her great idea.
It might seem unlikely, but people in the morning are like that. All up in everybody's bidnus and such.
That's why Crusty was telling Julie all about how she should prepare her cup of joe.
No way I wanted to hear Crusty say something like "See - he's gonna give ol' Crusty's idea a whirl."
I would have no choice but strangle her at that point and my day would be pretty much ruined.
Even after I got my full cup of regular coffee, Julie was still trying to decide. "Maybe you just don't want coffee Julie. You ever consider that, bitch?!?" I felt like saying. God, Julie was annoying. Then she got even more annoying ...
She made a strange reference. I guess it wouldn't have been strange 20 or 30 years ago when some people knew who Denis Leary was (a bad comedian).
I bought Denis Leary's "No Cure For Cancer" cd many years ago. Just awful. But I had just paid $9 or something for a cd and felt like I should listen to it a few times. It didn't get better, but at least there are tiny little parts of it that make me smile from time to time. Ok, one part.
It's the part about NyQuil. Not even the whole rant. Just some of it. Bits and pieces like:
We love you NyQuil, you giant fucking "Q"
Or of the guys in AA who had a 2 year long cold:
"I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking christmas."
See? Not funny at all. But so stupid, it makes me laugh.
Back to Julie. She said to the room (she was turning to include me - I looked down to hopefully exclude myself) "I can't mix the coffee because Denis Leary would yell at me for not having coffee flavored coffee."
I was thinking, "Really? A Denis Leary reference. That's some weak-ass shit."
But I just wanted to get out of there without talking to any of them.
Now that I think about it, the whole thing doesn't make any sense. Nobody would get her joke. I mean yeah, I did. But Crusty had no idea what she was talking about. Crusty just made that annoying whiney. moany sort of laugh noise people sometimes make when they can tell by the person's manner that they are trying to make a joke of some kind. It sounds like something a bored wookie might say.
It wasn't funny when Denis Leary said it and it's not funny now. But then later as I was drinking my plain coffee, it occurred to me that Julie must actually be friends with Denis Leary. I imagine that he probably gives her a ride to work or something. She doesn't even know that he was once an awful comedian. He's just this high strung guy she knows who goes out of his mind at Starbucks and screams at Ford Trucks.
And maybe Julie and Crusty are friends. Maybe Crusty knows Denis Leary, but is uncomfortable when Julie mentions him because she cares for Julie. Denis Leary is obviously bad news. Always shouting about cough syrup and stuff. That's why she made the funny noise.
Yeah that makes a lot more sense than someone making a Denis Leary joke on purpose.
Oh dear - I seem to have strayed off course.
Oh well. The other day I went into the convenience shop near work. As I was going in, a woman was walking out with a big cup. Immediately, I was irritated. I hate those giant cups people walk around with all day.
"Ma'am! Excuse me! Ma'am!" shouted Crusty (who may or may not know Denis Leary) from behind the counter.
"The ice is NOT free!"
The Ice thief tried to act all innocent and everything. She just looked at the woman and kind of shrugged like, "Are you kidding me?" Or maybe that was me. As much as I don't like huge cups of ice, I think they should be free. So did the ice thief.
Anyway, Crusty said, "You have to pay for that, you know!"
There were about 4 people in line. Crusty was sort of busy at the cash register, but she'll be damned if that ice thieving bitch is taking one more step toward that effing door. Or something.
If I was the ice thief, I would have just bolted down the street. Actually, that's just what I wanted the ice thief to do.
Because I think old Crusty would have chased her down, gout be damned, and tackled her, huge cup of ice tumbling through the air, ending in a magnificent explosion at the pavement.
That would have made my day.
The point is, I'm kind of grumpy in the morning and I just wish everybody would shut the hell up until I've had my coffee. On second thought - maybe Denis has a point ...
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