Spoiler Alert: Contains a vampire.

There's an old thing people say sometimes. They look at you and say "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

This is a question with no good answer.

Possible answers:

1) Yes it is a banana

2) No it is not a banana

3) Yes I am happy to see you

4) No I am not happy to see you.

First of all, I think that carrying a banana in your pocket is a rare thing.

Much more rare than being happy to see a friend.

But not quite as rare as being so happy to see your friend that you get a big boner.

But your friend doesn't know.  It's either a banana or a boner as far as your friend is concerned.

To me the problem with the question is that whether or not you have a banana in your pocket, you are in an awkward position.

The question seems to suggest that you cannot possibly be happy to see your friend and also have a banana in your pocket.

Of course, this is ridiculous. Both could be true.

But that's not really the point of the question is it?

The question is rhetorical, isn't it? (rhetorical).

If somebody says "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

They are really saying "Why does it appear that you are sporting wood? Correct the situation immediately."

But then - and most likely - not completely without whimsy, they offer 2 possible answers.

The first is the thing about the banana.

Stranger still, the question implies that the banana hypothesis is the more exciting one.

"Oh yawn.  You're just happy to see me."

Almost seems like it should go the other way.  Like "Hey - are we going to get busy or is that just a banana in your pocket?"

Then you could say, "Both.  I need my potassium if we're going to get busy."

Then you could just whip it out, peel it and enjoy your tasty banana while your friend waits.

"I can clearly see now that you're happy to see me," your friend might say.

At which point you could say, "No.  Actually that's just another banana."

Then you could give the second banana to your friend because even though you are happy to see your friend, it's not in that way that your friend is thinking of.

Regardless, everybody needs potassium.

This was the funnest blogpost I have written this year so far.

Ah ... a Vampire!