I was in about first or second grade when I became best friends with my first best friend ever.
His name was Stephen. There were 2 Stevens in our class and 1 Stephen. We all decided in about first or second grade that Anderson was Stevie, Thompson was Steve, and Stephen was Stephen.
Stephen and I were 2 of the smartest 3 kids in our class (Jimmy was the other). We were (in our minds) hilarious. In everybody else's minds, we were weird. The word "nerd" wasn't around yet. Don't tell me about Dr. Seuss or whatever. Nerd came from "Happy Days" as far as anybody that matters is concerned. At least that's where we got it from, but Happy Days wasn't there yet.
Before people were called nerds, at my school at least, they were called "Red." Red was short for Redneck. I think it was started by the kids with older brothers/sisters. It meant you weren't cool. Like a straight laced, burly farm type.
To adults, "redneck" meant exactly what it does to Jeff Foxworthy. To the Jr. High (LKA Middle School) students, it meant you didn't smoke dope and were therefore a "narc." Jr. High Students are stupid. Often calling each other "narc". As if there were 2 types of Jr High student; Drug addict and DEA Agent.
But this was elementary school, and "red" simply meant "not cool." I envisioned the sunburned neck sticking out of a stupid red and white plaid button (or mother-of-pearl snap) down shirt. This redneck was blond and wore stupid cowboy boots as he hopped into the passenger side of his dad's stupid pickup truck to help his dad pick up some stupid hay or something on their stupid farm. Stupid redneck.
When "Happy Days" eventually popularized "nerd," things made a lot more sense. Then there were two types of people at school. Drug addicts and students. As it should be.
But in elementary school all I knew about drugs was that this one girl's older sister got her name put in the paper for possession of marijuana. She took a lot of crap for that one. It was so dumb. If somebody argued with her, it usually ended like,
"What do you know? Your sister's a pothead."
Cry.
Kids are mean. And don't think for one second that I joined in the reindeer games. I would never behave like that for one reason. I was totally in love with that girl. I thought she was the coolest, prettiest girl in the whole world. I used to go home and talk to my mom for about an hour or 2 each night about how I was going to marry her some day.
And you know what?
No I was wrong on that one. Never mind. We never got married. I did see her in a neighborhood bar about 20 years later and said "hey!" She was still pretty, but she like worked in construction or something and chain smoked and had a voice like gravel. So that was cool.
Anyway, back in elementary school, we thought of all drugs as being pretty much the same thing. Except LSD. That was different. We had seen a film about how if you took LSD, you would think you could fly and then you'd jump out of a window and kill yourself. Guaranteed.
I had my doubts about that because I wondered why anyone would want to take a drug that made you "think" you could fly but actually couldn't. We had all seen Willy Wonka and the Fizzy lifting drink and knew the dangers of overhead fans, but how pointless is a drug that has no effect other than deception.
Anyway - doubts or no - it was enough for me to fend off the dozens of attempts by 4th graders to get me to trip on acid, as it were.
But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to talk about The Minnesota Vikings, my favorite NFL team.
I mentioned that my first best friend was Stephen. Like me, Stephen had little or no interest in Pro Football. He was a college football fan, but we didn't talk about that because his dad had gone to LSU, so he was a fan of the Tigers.
In about 4th grade or so, Stephen and I were still best friends when a new kid (Mark) arrived at our school. He was also funny like us. Unlike us though, he was inherently cool. He noticed right away that Stephen wasn't cool. It took him a while before he noticed I also wasn't cool.
I liked Mark, but he didn't like Stephen. This is a situation that I've always experienced, but never understood. Eventually, Mark made me choose between him and Stephen. I didn't want to, but I did (and obviously made the wrong choice).
Maybe I will go into all of that next week. This week, it's all Vikings!
One day, Mark said to me, what's your favorite football team? I was like, "Duh. The Huskers!"
The Mark was all, "College football? God you are so red! I'm talking about the pros."
"I don't know. I guess I like the Dolphins ok."
"The Dolphins? Get real! They Suck. I'm a Vikings fan. Fran is the man!"
"Fran?"
"Tarkington! You really don't know anything do you?"
Well - it was about 3 days later that the student had become the master. I learned everything I could about the Vikings. I even learned that the quarterback's last name was "Tarkenton." I bet Mark still thinks it was "Tarkington."
A few days after that, I asked my dad what his favorite pro football team was. I was shocked to learn that he was a "Green Bay Packers" fan. I couldn't see how anybody could be anything but a Vikings fan.
January of the following year saw my favorite team of all time against the Pittsburgh Steelers in The Super Bowl!
Now I'm not sure, but I think people make a bigger deal out of the Super Bowl than they did in 1975.
I watched The Vikings lose while I sat in a house alone petting a cat.
It wasn't my house. It wasn't my cat. It wasn't my TV. I was 10 years old, but I learned a lot that day:
1) It's true about "too much fish food"
2) Franco Harris was not an Irish guy named "Frank O'Harris"
3) When to call it a day
To be continued ...
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