Lance Armstrong’s greatest contribution

Lance Armstrong has done so much to raise the general awareness of cycling in America.

 1) Advances in beating drug tests

 2) Beating cancer

 3) Nailing rock stars (mostly girl ones)

 4) Winning an unprecedented “several” tours of France

 5) Dumping rock stars (mostly girl ones) with cancer.

And the list goes on.  See:

 6) Making yellow rubber bracelets mandatory

 7) Knocking up some chick after having his balls (nuts) radiated.

 8) Eighth achievement

And though this is an impressive list, there’s one lasting impression he’s left on the collective consciousness of America.  The one I’m most thankful for.

I am not “faggot”.

Before Lance Armstrong, if I went out for a bike ride it meant that I was going to be called “faggot” at least once, but more likely 2 or 3 times.

By the early 90’s, Greg LeMond had won 3 tours and was a fairly household name.  At the height of LeMond’s popularity, passing motorists would affectionately yell to me, “Hey – get on the sidewalk, faggot!”

It took cancer survivor, miracle man to change all that.  By the time LA was going for his 4^th straight tour victory, America was growing up.  There was an awakening of sorts.  Cycling became popular.  People everywhere were plunking down hard earned cash for shiny new road bikes.  Now, when a cyclist rode down the street, instead of harsh words, He could hold his head up high to the tune of “Hey – get on the sidewalk, Lance!”

What did that car driver just say?

Beep, beep “Hey Lance!”

Another one.  Sweet.

Like most people, when I drive my car and approach a cyclist, I think, “Oh crap, I have to pass this guy.”  I don’t think, “Look.  What is that on the road?  I’d better yell at it.”

But that’s what some people think.  Until roughly the year 2002, they didn’t know what cyclists were.  And when idiots get confused, they get angry at homosexuals.

Then came good ol’ Lance Armstrong.  It took him winning cycling biggest race about 4 times, but eventually he not only entered mainstream consciousness.  He accomplished the unfathomable.  He entered big fat, idiot, bigot consciousness.  It didn’t matter how much of a fucking moron you were.  You now knew the general form of a road cyclist.  You didn’t know it was called "cyclist".  You knew it only as “Lance Armstrong.”

But I’ll take it over the alternative any day.   Thanks Lance.

The End.

Four minutes later update:  I’ve noticed lately that I hear the “Hey Lance” less and less frequently.  I believe this is because the big fat idiots are forgetting him.  Hopefully someone will rise up soon to fill those shoes.  Who knows, maybe someday people will yell “Hey Shim!” at me.  Never mind.  I prefer “faggot.”