"If she hits her
quintuple axel, not only will it end a flawless routine," wept the
announcer, "It will probably be an end to figure skating as we know
it!"
The announcer, Brad
Neill, had never, not once, lost composure during a broadcast. But this girl was different. Neither he nor any of the thousands of fans
in attendance had seen anything like it.
Brad was left with the unenviable position of trying to describe what he
was witnessing to millions of radio listeners.
Any other announcer would have dropped the microphone, curled up into
the fetal position and rocked back and forth in a vain attempt to regain some
semblance of sobriety. But Brad
soldiered on. “I felt like that
Hindenburg announcer guy,” He’d later remark.
All 12,345 (according to
gate totals) and 17 unborn (also in the fetal position) were left to watch the
most beautiful figure skating performance ever and just cry and cry and cry.
Alexis Camelnofilter was
the skater. A total underdog. I mean, let me list the ways. First of all, her only qualification was she
just really wanted to be a top skater some day.
She had never had any formal training.
She was from a small town in Iowa.
A town with a Pizza Hut, a Casey’s and Beulah’s Bowling Alley. The owner of the bowling alley “Big Beulah,”
Had been a roller derby queen in the 70’s, and she taught Alexis everything she
knew. “I may not know nothing about figure skatin’ but I can see when a girl
wants sumpin real bad-like, ain’t nuthin getting in her way,” Beulah was kind
of an idiot.
“So anyways, Lexi, - ‘swhat
I always called her. She comes up and
says she wants to be the next Tonya Harding.
Says can she use my bowling alley for practicing. Well I’m not sure I heard her right, but I
say yeah, why not. Makes sense. Practice for figure skating in a bowling alley. Then she shows me her genius …”
Alexis really needed a
rink, but the nearest one was in Des Moines or Omaha or whatever big city is
closest to whatever town she was in in Iowa.
But the one thing that ice rinks and bowling alleys have in common is
that they’re slippery.
Beulah continued, “Why, that
little girl laced up them rental shoes and walked down to lane number 1. Then, I’ll never forget this as long as I
live, she started running across the lanes, hopping over the ball returns,
narrowly missing several gutters, and went airborne. She danced.
She spun. She leapt. A natural.
I was watching this kid do the impossible. Sure she fucked up the lanes real bad and we
had to go ahead and put more of that oil stuff all over them again, but damn. I never cry.
But I almost did that night.
Because of all the beauty. Of the
skating on the bowling lanes. Yeah.”
FF>
A few years later, here’s
little Lexi Camelnofilter at the World Blind Figure Skating Competition. Oh yeah – she had some accident that left her
blind. Or she got bowling alley oil in
her eyes or something. Lexi always
skated with her faithful partner/service animal, Rex. Lexi and Rexy, as they were called, had spent
months working out their routine. While
Alexis dragged Rex along the ice, he would wimper once for her to turn left and
twice for right. It was almost perfect.
Here, at the end of the
most amazing skater/seeing eye dog display ever witnessed, Alexis was preparing
to attempt something that had never been done successfully by any skater. The elusive quintuple axel.
It was pretty much
agreed that she did not need to do it at all.
A triple would cement a win. But
it had never been about winning. It was
about beauty. The kind of beauty that
makes a grown man weep. Yeah, I said it.
As she gathered the
breakneck speed required for this move, something seemed off. Rex let out a little growl. But it was too late. Her left skate was acting up. She’d have to leave the ice and land very
carefully or it could be disaster.
Closer now, Rex prepared to give the “Clear to leap” lick. That skate is definitely not right. Here goes …
“And she’s in the
air. Oh the humanity! She’s going around and around so many times
that I have time to announce it. Wait a
minute. What this? Is there something amiss with one of her
skates? It’s hard to be sure in the blur
of the spinning, but I know a loose blade when I see it. Oh shit, This could be disaster. I count three complete revolutions. Look at Rex.
Clear out at the end of Lexi’s arm holding on to dear life by his
service collar. How Cute. Here’s the fourth turn. Oh lord, She’s going to do it!” The years of frustration end tonight little
Lexy! Seriously, does anyone else see
that skate? Does it not look goofy? Oh well, here’s the landing. Boy, Rex looks a little nervous doesn’t he …
1 comment:
Don't worry Wes, I've got you covered. As usual, I'll tell you how Ice Castles ends over the lunch ride today.
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