Based on a True Story (Part 1)

LINCOLN (AP) — Authorities say a Lincoln man has been accused of poisoning  kittens by pouring antifreeze into their water bowl.

The Lancaster County Sheriff’s Office said John Lenzen, 35, has been cited on suspicion of animal cruelty.

Sheriff Terry Wagner said that, according to investigators, Lenzen had grown tired of the mess the kittens were making on his equipment in a rented bay at a machine shop.

At least one of the kittens has died.

My favorite part of the story is the last line.  It seems like it is saying that there is not less than 1 dead kitten.  But it could actually be saying “John Lenzen’s efforts were not completely in vain.”  

This is why I like the “Based on a True Story” format.  The above story is presumably true.  But it’s not really much to go on for a “Movie of the Week.”  And since I’m shooting for mini-series … Well I’m going to have to take some license.  Oh yeah and also, I don’t really know anything about any of the subject below either.  

But I can say the science stuff is “Based on True Science”

So now I present, “Lenny the Failed Veterinarian, based on a true story”

Chapter One, The Bite

“Well, I guess it can wait until tomorrow.  I’m beat,” Lenny was once again working past midnight in the school science lab.  He was obsessing over his new treatment for his favorite little patient, Furball. 

Lenny Johnson (based on a true name) had always known he’d be a veterinarian.  “Dogs and cats are easy, It is people that suck.”  Pets never say “Keep an eye on your little brother and we’ll be back in a couple of hours,” Only to die in a horrible car accident and never return, leaving you alone, scared and confused into the early morning until the knock at the door …

Lenny’s life was filled with the heartache and loss.  “I can’t help thinking I could have saved them.  If I only knew Dr. Stuff,” Was the single line Lenny wrote on his application to the most prestigious Veterinary School in the country.  He wanted to know it all.  Normally, an application like this would have been flatly rejected.  Honestly, after the interview with the dean, Lenny feared he would be destined to work the rest of his life in his dad’s little machine shop. 

As protocol, all applications to the school from within the state had to be accompanied by an interview, no matter how short.  As Lenny walked into the Dean’s office, he saw the dean was already holding a big red rubber stamp over Lenny’s application.  Lenny could also see the reverse lettering on the bottom of the stamp that said “REJECTED!”  As the stamp swung mercilessly toward the application, Lenny cried out, 

“Please wait!”

“I saw something I hadn’t seen in many years.  Something I thought died from the world eons ago.  A spark that made this tired old man believe again,” was the only explanation Dean Katz (no relation) could give.  He couldn’t  say why he decided to give “the cutter” a chance.  “Don’t make me regret it, kid,” As he welcomed Lenny Johnson with a warm handshake and a slap on the back.

Now in his senior year, Lenny was working on treating a rare form of Feline gum disease.  His subject, Furball had been brought to him after suffering from severely bad breath (even for a cat) and some inflamed gum tissue.  None of the normal treatment had worked.  Furball was initially given an antibiotic rinse and a good cleaning.  If anything, Furball’s symptoms got worse.   Furball was obviously in pain.  Refusing to eat.  Meowing all sad and everything.  

Then came the breakthrough.  

DNA testing had revealed an unexpected sequence in the cat tooth/gum area on the cat genome map thing.  Where GGTTACAAGAC was expected in a healthy cat, was the ominous GGGGCAATATA!  Lenny couldn’t believe it.  This meant that all he’d have to do is mutate Furball’s DNA and he’d be back to healthy cat mouth in no time.  Easier said than done.  Lenny and a couple of his professors at the school had been working on a ways to manipulate the tiny little cat double helices, but until Lenny got the idea from “Jurassic Park” to incorporate frog DNA, the science team had gotten nowhere.

Furball had been put on an extremely experimental DNA treatment for the past 5 days.  After the first 2 shots, his appetite returned.  He was becoming more playful and Lenny couldn’t be more proud.  It looked like everything was going to be al-right.  Of course, only Lenny knew about the treatments.  They were strictly forbidden.  This is why Lenny preferred to do the bulk of his lab work after everyone had left for the day.

But now, with 2AM fast approaching, and a 7AM class, Lenny was forced to call it a night.  As he switched off the light to exit the lab, he glanced over to Furball’s cage to say goodnight and saw the door was standing open.   With a heavy sigh, he turned the light back on and called for Furball.  He must have not quite latched the cage after tonight’s treatment.  “Here kitty kitty kitty …  Here Kitty Ki…”

Along the far wall of the lab was the door for the walk-in freezer.  Resting peacefully atop the door was fuzzy little Furball.  Lenny suppressed a grin at Furball’s amazing cute and cuddliness.  A week ago, there’s no way Furball could have gotten up there, weak from malnourishment.  “Come on fuzzy. Bedtime.”  As he reached up to help his little friend down, Furball’s eyes snapped open as he launched with impossible catlike velocity towards Lenny’s outstretched hand.  Lenny’s confused pause was all the time Furball needed to clamp his new frog fortified jaws into Lenny’s soft fleshy index finger.  The iron strong teeth sank into the bone, furball’s sandpaper tongue lapping for the marrow, Lenny’s very life force itself. 

The pain was worse than he’d ever imagined possible.  He could see nothing but the agony induced white explosions from somewhere deep in his protesting brain.  In his lifetime, He’d suffered Bunson burns, broken bones and killer migraines.  But nothing was close to this kind of pain.  He absently wondered if he could take this pain to the “pain of childbirth” argument.  Desperately thrashing around, Lenny tried to get the cat to release.  He grabbed at the cat’s head with his good arm to swing it and hopefully smash it to death into the Freezer door, but as soon as he touched the silky smooth fur of Furball’s cute little head, he received 8 deep gashes the length of his forearm from Furball’s back claws.  “I knew I should have worn my flannel shirt today,” was Lenny’s last thought before losing consciousness.

Chapter 2, Furball suspects a problem

MOUSE!!  Sweet.  I am so going to get that thing.  Look at this.  That stupid little tasty thing doesn’t even see me yet.  I’ve been approaching it for like 5 minutes and have made so much noise sliding across the floor, I have to believe there’s something wrong with its ears.  One last lick of my teeth to make sure they’re ready and I pounce.  Ow, holy crap!  What the hell?  That really hurts.  Ow.  Seriously!  Every time I touch my tongue to my nice pointy teeth, there’s this terrible pain at the gums.  The gums themselves are all puffy and red.  That can’t be good.  Ok whatever.  Focus.  Come to Furball, little mousy mouse.  There he is!  Pounce!  Oww!!  Crap missed him.  Just that little hesitation, the fear of the pain of biting down is all it took for that stupid little mouse to get free.  I guess I could just go eat the food in my bowl.  Yeah, right.  That dry crunchy crap is way worse.  I’m so hungry, but I just can’t eat.  Hopefully somebody will get worried pretty soon and send me off for highly experimental DNA splicing and testing and stuff.

Chapter 3, Just Because You get bit by a Cat/Frog Hybrid, Don’t think You’re a Superhero.

“Wake up, Lenny.”

“Professor Lincoln (no relation). Where am I?” Lenny was flat on his back being shaken awake by his gross dog anatomy teacher. As consciousness came, he felt the tight throbbing pain in his hand.  Looking up, seeing the sunlight stream in, Lenny began to panic.  “I’ve got to get to class, there’s a …”

“Shhh,”  Professor Lincoln gently pressed the palm of his hand to Lenny’s chest to hold him still.  He didn’t want him to move just yet and he certainly didn’t want him to see his mangled hand.  It looked like it had been sent through a meat grinder.  A mix of flesh, blood and bone twisted beyond recognition.  Link could not explain how it was the boy had not bled out.  Somehow the severed arteries had been cauterized.  The lab was demolished.  All the animals cages were opened and the dogs had been torn to pieces by whatever had gotten to Lenny’s hand.  “What happened here, kid?”

To be continued.  And don't worry.  It's already been written. Seriously.  What?