True story part 2

Chapter 4,  The Adoption

The Johnson’s (no relation to Lenny) would never forget the day they learned that there was no way in hell they were ever going to have a child the way God intended.  Mr. Johnson had been a real trooper, nailing the good lady Mrs. Johnson quite regularly but to no avail.  It’s not that they really wanted children.  But their stupid friends had convinced them that they would one day regret not having children.  Of course, that was total bullshit.  The friends envied them.  They wanted to see them fall.  One friend, Julie (yeah the same one from my English class), after a particularly disgusting dose of feces spray to the face, decided enough was enough.  

“It’s not fair.  They need to play by the rules.  How can joy be appreciated without misery?” Julie asked no one in particular, stringy greenish mucousy liquid poo dripping from her chin and shiny dark hair.   That’s when Julie and her husband, my friend from school who told her I was married, decided to start bugging the Johnson’s until they agreed to make a human life.

Eventually, they sought professional help cause like Mrs. Johnson wasn’t getting any pregnanter at all.

“You could always adopt,”  Suggested the pregnancy consultation guy.

“Adopt?!?  We want a real kid, not some rent-a-kid!,” Wailed Mrs. Johnson.

“Now Ev, you know I was adopted,” Charlie Johnson spoke gently with a kind of whispery voice that came across all condescending and shit.  In fact, Charlie Johnson was the Charlie McCarthy from my English class.  Ma and Pa Johnson had adopted him after I parted ways with him.

“Here Evelyn, have a glass of water while I talk about options with the consultation guy.” 

“Don’t you condescend toward me you little dummy!  And get the water out of my face,”  Evelyn shouted, wiping tears away.

“Somebody’s pissed,”  Charlie skillfully mumbled out the side of his mouth to the pregnancy dude.

“Well, if there’s nothing else,” Hurried the consultant, “I have my next …”

“There must be something you can do for us, Doc,”  Pleaded Mr. and Mrs. Johnson in unison, prompting a surprise “Jinx you owe me a Coke!” from both of them.

“Well … There is something …  No, never mind,”  replied the Dr. guy, Realizing he had said too much.

“What?  You must tell us,” pleaded Charlie,

“There’s this little cuddowy wuddowy kit’n I know about who needs a good home …”

Chapter 5, Furball’s kind of a dick

Well that was interesting.  Admittedly I’ve left myself in a bit of a pickle.  Not sure why I attacked Lenny.  Maybe I just didn’t want to go in the cage.  But if that were true, I suppose I could have left the lab before tearing his hand all up.  Actually, I could have left without doing anything.  Oh yeah, the dogs.  No way Lenny would have just stood there while I eviscerated every dog in that god-forsaken place.  I like Lenny, except for his stupid soft spot for those ridiculous dogs.  Well, tell me Lenny, or should I say “Lefty” -  How’s that dog thing working out for you?  I kid.  I kid.  Anyway, Lenny’s injuries couldn’t be helped.  At least I was able to stop the bleeding with that Bunsen burner.

What next?  Ooh yuck, is that my image in the plate glass window?  You gotta get cleaned up ol’ furball or nobody’s taking you in.  At least get some of the dog sinew out of your whiskers.    I wonder if that pounding in my head is part of the treatment I was getting for my gum disease.  I wonder if the treatment was over.  I suppose it is now, huh-huh.  Anyway I hope my “ribbit!”  I mean “Meow.”  Woah, I don’t think I’ve ever said “ribbit” before.  Weird.  Now let’s see if we can’t find a nice lily pad and take a little cat nap.

Chapter 6, Lefty

“Why furball why,” Lenny moaned from his deep sleep.  Sweat drenched his hospital bed.  He had been in a slumber since shortly after waking to see a distressed Professor Lincoln (no relation) and his demolished lab.  His sister Julie and her friends the Johnson’s were at his bedside.  Also with the Johnson’s was their latest addition to the family.  Widdow Fuwbaww (translated “Little Furball”).

“I think he’s coming out of it,”  Julie exclaimed.

“You know, I’m gonna take furball outside.  He keeps scratching at me,”  Charlie said While Evelyn drank yet another glass of water.

“Is that the time?”  Fred asked.  “Geez, I’ll have to continue this later.”