STFU Man

Stop me if you've heard this one ...

 So a few weeks ago, I was on a weekend ride with Brady.  I don't remember if it was a long or short ride.  I just remember when we went by the crossfit building.

I think it's crossfit.  I don't really know.  I've seen videos and articles and proponents and opponents on the whole crossfit thing.  It seems strange to me, but not really any stranger than a traditional hard gym workout.

It's new and exciting and I think there might be kettle bells involved so I guess that's cool.

The place is on about 42nd and Nicholas.  I know because it's just down from where my grandma Surber used to live.  That's where (grandma's, not the crossfit place) my brother and I would go on Sunday mornings after Sunday school in favor of sitting through church.  If you recall, my brother and I would always feign stomach aches so we could get a swig of that delicious Pepto-Bismol.

Probably an actual conversation at the living room of my Parents one Sunday evening:

Mom:  Those boys are always constipated on Sundays.

Dad (peering over the top of his newspaper):  It's that church you take them to.

And speaking of churches, there's a church right next to the place that may or may not be a crossfit place.

But much like Cro$$fit (TM) is the new exercise fad, this church is super modern.

First of all, I could have never gone to it.  Every single person who goes there is real young and real pretty.  I mean as a cross section of people, it has to be about the best looking crowd around.  They look good enough to be at the high school dance in a movie.

They look way way better than the crossfit people.  Maybe they're the crossfit graduates.

Probably and actual excerpt from a crossfit graduation commencement speech:

"You've conquered your mind and body, now it's time to lay it all down and let God conquer your soul ..."

At this point, I envision several graduates sneaking out the back door and over to grandma's house for a nice refreshing tiny little plastic cup of the pink stuff.

Anyway - the whole reason I think it's a crossfit place (next to the church and down the street from grandma's) is because I always see them doing weird exercise things like the videos or articles I've seen about crossfit.

So yes.  It's completely possible that there are 2 distinct types of cultish workout.  But it really doesn't matter to me.

One time as I was riding by, I saw a guy running in the street, up the hill, towards grandma's house.  He had some sort of rigging around his shoulders and was dragging a metal plate with weights on top of it.  It was sparking and scraping up the street something terrible.

I didn't at first realize that this was something he chose to do.  I figured he was making his loud slow escape from the church.  

But once I got close and passed him, I could see he was nowhere good looking enough to go to that church.  But then again, maybe they chain up the less um, spiritual ones.

So yeah.  Crossfit.  

So when Brady and I were returning from our ride, there were around 20 or 30 people out running from the gym to grandma's house and back.  

As we went by, Brady offered some encouraging words of motivation to each person we passed.

What a guy.  These people were giving it all they had. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

Like one time I decided I was going to run a 5K race.  I had set a goal for myself of under 25 minutes.

The race was somewhere around or on St. Patrick's Day.  There was a pot o' beer at the end.

Brady also ran that race.

After he finished the race, and knowing my goal, he sauntered back to where I was struggling like a diarrhea-plagued crossfitter running to grandma's.

He ran alongside and helped pace me to the finish in 24 and change.

Turns out, 25 minutes is not a good enough goal to get your hands on that beer at the end.  It was all gone by the time I got there.  But all was not lost.  It was Budweiser so I couldn't be too upset.

So a few weeks ago, we're going by these crossfit people and Brady wants to help.  That's just who he is.

"C'mon," he shouts, "Let's get those knees up.  Go! Go! Go!"

No comments from any of them.  No acknowledgement.  No laughter.  Just grim faces focused on the challenge ahead. Longing for the day when they can go to church unshackled.  

But Brady's words were not entirely wasted.  My spirits were raised tremendously by spectacle.  

We kept going by people and Brady kept shouting friendly encouragement.  It was hilarious.

Finally, Brady was rewarded for his effort.  It was the very last guy we passed.  Brady brought out the irony, "You're running in shorts on a cold day like this?  Put some clothes on!"

"Shut the fuck up, man," is all he said.

I don't know about Brady, but those 5 little words made my day.  

Thank you weight belt wearing runner.  Even though you're too ugly to attend most of the modern churches without being chained down, you can have a front row seat at mine anytime.  We take ex-lax chewables and Pepto-Bismol for communion.  You DO NOT want to see how we baptize.

It's too soon to tell, but I personally feel this is the first post in  a long time that merits a "What the hell is cube talking about?"