Thursday, January 29, 2015

Peace


Note: This was one of those start to finish, no looking back posts.  It may ramble a bit more than usual.  but I'm not feeling like putting in any effort right now.

I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts the last few months.  I think some of it has to do with aging (getting old).

But mostly, it's a recent reaffirmation of my faith.

When I was about 13 or so, I stopped believing in God.  Immediately afterward, I felt a peace like I'd never known.  I don't know why.  It had nothing to do with "Hey! I can do whatever I want."  It had more to do with "Church people are dorks."

Then when I was around 21 or so, I slid back to the dark side.  I became a Bible thumping born-again Christian.

Once again, I was miserable.  Not completely miserable.  I enjoyed learning the tricky stuff about salvation and everything.  Eventually though, I began to read sciency things and moved ever so slowly back to where I belong (despicable non-believer).

I was at peace again.

I don't think this is because being an Atheist is the way to go.  I am starting to think that people who are at peace in their "souls" are that way because they are able to admit who they are.  To be true to their beliefs (or non-beliefs).

As an atheist, I generally keep my non-belief pretty quiet.  Even though we are supposed to be free to worship (or not) as we wish in this country, the only acceptable religion is non-practicing Christianity.  Practicing Christians take as much crap as anybody.

I never looked for a reason to not believe in a god or magic and stuff.  I just believe in it less and less as the years pass by.

When I was a Christian, I constantly fought against my judgment to convince myself that Jesus and God and floods and 6000 years ago ...

The reaffirmation of my faith?  I have heard from many Christians that being an Atheist takes more faith than being a Christian.  I heard it when I was a Christian and didn't believe it then either.

But I think I understand why Christians say it.  They believe in God.  It doesn't feel like faith to them, because they know there's a God.  For them to be atheists would be to deny themselves.  They would know the torment I knew when I tried to muster up faith in a god.

It wasn't real for me.  I was a fraud.  I wanted it to be true.  I wanted to live forever.  But I was never at peace.

About 15 years ago, I realized finally that I am and always have been (since about age 9) an atheist.  I was a little panicked by this.  It meant a considerably shorter span of existence for me.

But here's where the peace comes.  I'm not trying to tell anyone what to believe or not believe.  I don't think these thoughts necessarily have anything to do with anyone else.  It is what is in my brain and what puts me at ease.

Since I have this ridiculously short time as a person and then nothing.  Since I'm not waiting to die so I can be happy - or my joy isn't derived from a posthumous promise of squishy feelings - I can live to the fullest now.

Some might say that means I need to do more.  But that's not it either.  Living happens wherever you are.

I've been reading these difficult (for me) books lately on what scientists think about the universe and where it's going.  Like how they currently think the speed the universe is expanding will eventually (like in eleventy billion years) increase to the point where galaxies that are not attracted to each other will become invisible to any observers for a number of reasons I won't go into right now.  Mind blowing stuff.  These are books written to the general public, but still hard for me to understand,

It's actually much harder to believe than "In the beginning ..."

So I guess I need to back up now and say that atheists do have more faith than Christians.

And by "faith" I mean brains.  Oh snap.  Just kidding.  There are plenty of idiot atheists and a few smart Christians, so ...

2 comments:

munsoned said...

I'm pretty much in the same boat. I'm just glad Noah isn't here. HA!!!

Anywho, I remember going to Sunday as a really little kid, like 5 years old, and thinking none of it made any sense. Granted, most things didn't make sense at that age, but this whole story was too much of a stretch. Plus, at Sunday school, I was always too hot to the point where it felt like I was burning up. Oh, that was because we wore sweaters in the summer since that was considered, "your Sunday's best," and I highly doubt the church had air conditioning. You know, to weed out the burning heathens and all.

The whole time growing up, I just followed along and pretended to believe in something, but secretly struggled with who I really was. Then, in college, I had what could be called a "born again" moment where I realized I was, through and through, an atheist. I laid awake all night, mind racing, but in total peace and comfort of realizing I could finally define what I had been feeling my whole life.

More polls are coming out that show a large increase in non-belief(especially in the younger generation) and a bit of an uptick in atheism. I believe that will be the natural progression of human social evolution. First, everything in the natural world we didn't understand, which could give or take things away from us, were gods - weather, rivers, volcanoes, etc. Then, we made up human like gods that had powers over our natural world. Once we understood more of the natural world and dismissed the gods which had control over it, we narrowed down to a single(or 3?) god(s). Eventually we, as a species, won't need supernatural beliefs since everything will be explained by science.

But by then, we will all probably be on fire since climate change will scorch the earth.

brady said...

I've spent a lot of time pondering these questions too. But unlike you, I do not have peace either way -- that there is, or isn't a god.

I get stuck at the very core of the question: somehow all this stuff had to come to be. If it was from (G)god, then how did god come to be? Ugh. If not, then how? Again, ugh.

If our species is evolving, then we've got a long way to go before we unlock these mysteries. It certainly won't happen in our lifetime.

So until then, we're back to having faith in, or not in, a god.

By the way, I like riding my bicycle. And petting the warm fuzzy snout of my dog. When I think of those things, I feel at peace for the moment.