Thursday, August 14, 2014

A Lightning War of Speed and Strength

There is no "right" way to commute by bicycle. There are different types of bikes, commutes, and riding styles that best suit a particular commuter.

I prefer my super light, super fast "racing" bike.

In the past, I've outfitted the bike with panniers. I don't care for them. I never found a way to keep them completely out of the way. I don't like the way they change the feel of the ride. The bike has more weight in different spots.

Maybe it's because the road bike geometry is not well suited to luggage. I am currently in need of a new bike to be in accordance with the rules. It makes sense for me to get a touring bike that I can load down with all sorts of crap.

Until then, I'll just use my wonderful Banjo Bros Backpack.

I like to wear my regular "road" kit then change into my "work" clothes once I get to work. My clothes stay clean and dry and the ride is comfortable.

When I'm commuting in my fancy getup and big old backpack, I am aware of how silly I look to motorists and cats. They don't understand that everything I do or wear is as much about function as form. I don't expect them to understand. They are not cyclists (they are either motorists or cats). If they see me and think anything at all - it is that I am trying to have a certain look. "Get a load of this guy," they'll say, "He's gotta be like 50 years old and he thinks he's some kind of pro biker like Lance whatsisname!"

Then their wives slap them on their enormous gut and taunt, "Ira. You should look so pro!"

Then they curse the day they listened to the rabbi who advised them not to marry that 'shiksa.'

On Wednesdays, I usually drive the car to work if I think Brady will be attending The Wednesday Night Trek Store ride.

Then it's my turn to judge. But since I understand the thinking behind all types of bike commuting, I aim at motorcyclists. My kneejerk reaction to these guys is something like "Whatever dude."

That's what most people who see me on my bike are thinking, so I try to figure out why on earth the motorcycle commuter dresses/acts the way he does.

I can almost always come up with something.

Normally, I see guys just riding their normal motorcycle in normal clothes and normal looking helmet. They are obviously just commuting to work. These guys look normal to me, a non-motorcyclist. I think the equivalent cyclist is in his work clothes, riding a comfort bike on the sidewalk. Not that I think a cyclist should be on the sidewalk. I know better. We're talking motorist POV here. Remember that.

Next, it's the guys on Harleys (or other cruiser type motorcycles) that think they are cowboys. They wear chaps. They have black leather saddle bags. Lots of black leather fringe everywhere. These are the recumbents of the motorcycle world. Mostly. The recumbent riders are stupid hippies (not cowboys) but they do have thick idiotic looking beards, so.

Then there's the guys on "crotch rockets."  They look like they're giving their bike a good doggy style rogering, if you know what I mean.

Usually, these are the guys weaving heroically through morning traffic at ridiculous speeds.  I normally say a tiny little prayer for their instant demise.

Regardless - I still get what is going on here. They also wear backpacks or knapsacks. They are aerodynamic. They are efficiently moving through traffic - and to me - they look completely ridiculous.

I hate to say it, but these are like the road bike commuters.  They can't slow down even though they are only going to work. On your effin' left, for Pete's sake!

Ok.  So I guess that's it.  Every motorcyclist who at first seems to be wearing something ridiculous is actually just wearing what best suits his ...

Wait a minute.  What's this guy behind me doing?

I'm at a stoplight and glance in my rear view mirror.  What I see at first startles me because I think I'm about to be pummeled by a Centurion.  After a frightening second, I realize what I mistook for a Roman soldier was just a guy on a motorcycle.  His helmet though.  I've not seen its equal.  It had a magnificent red plume of the finest horsehair.  Luckily, I now have a capable smartphone and was able to snap a shot of this glorious fellow just as he prepared to make a left turn.



Ok, so surely there's an explanation.  He's um - a delivery driver for a pizza place, maybe?  Sure, that makes sense.  Centurion Pizza.  The taste will decimate you!

Whew.  I'm glad I figured that ... Uh oh.  I mean - I know that the Romans controlled Germany, but I'm pretty sure they were out of there before WWII.  Just as I was laughing at myself for the silly notion that I was about to be trampled, I was overcome by a new panic.  "Oh my god.  Are my papers in order?"  I asked myself.  This roman guard had on a jacket that identified him as none other than an officer of Hitler's Schutzstaffel (S.S).  Here's what he was wearing. Really.




I'm not sure why it says "Speed Strength" on the sleeve. All I know is I was having a tough time justifying a Roman Nazi commuting to work.

I tried though. Maybe the plume was convenient for brushing dust off the bike at the end of the day. Maybe the jacket makes it easier to interrogate suspects.

But I never really could explain it. All I know is I hope he doesn't ever cross paths with poor old Ira and his bitch of a wife. Oy vey!

~~

Seriously.  I mean my blog post is done before the squiggly line.  But who the fuck thought designing a black jacket with "SS" on the sleeve was a good idea?  Fucking Nazis, that's who.

And sceeeeene!


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