Roughly once a week, I get fast food for breakfast. Chick-fil-a is the only place I go. The Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito is the only thing I get.
I dine in. I don't drive-thru. I take a book to read so I can enjoy my Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito while I read.
By the way, It's just called "Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito" but it is magnificent.
There is rarely anyone else at Chick-fil-a in the morning. If there is, it is this one Christian family. No kidding. They have a minivan and 6 kids. They are solemn. They pray over their food. All 8 of them eat their breakfast in silence.
It makes me happy that Chick-fil-a sticks to its ultra conservative Christian ideals so I can enjoy my Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito and read my book in monasterial calm.
At McDonald's I'd surely have to contend with the hullabaloo of all the little sinner boys and girls. Oh yeah - and McDonald's food is shit.
But this morning I knew something at Chick-fil-a was amiss. I drove into the parking lot and saw half a dozen cars waiting at the drive-thru. I would never expect more than 2. So either there was a problem or the secret is out on the Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito.
Also, there was a car parked in the lot. Unusual. It wasn't the Christian minivan.
I stopped my car, took a deep breath, and considered skipping breakfast. I decided that since I had my book, I could wait for my food while they sorted out whatever their problem was.
I just about changed my mind when I set foot inside. It was all wrong.
There were no employees in sight. Most days, a cheery cashier is at my beck and call the instant I enter, eager to wish me a "blessed day."
I stood there assessing the scene. In front of the cash register was a half empty soda cup with a chewed up straw sticking out of a cracked plastic lid. The only person in sight was a customer. He was on the same side of the counter as me, but at the far end. He was the cup's owner.
No employee came to take my order. I heard them in the kitchen. They were not paying any attention to me or the line of cars at the drive-thru. There was arguing. Panic maybe.
I approached the register to get somebody's attention. As I did, the man at the end of the counter bolted toward the soda cup. I figured he was going to move it so I could stand at the register. He looked at me and I said, "Morning," but he did not reply. He walked up to the cup, left it there and walked back to the other end.
The message was clear. Nobody orders until I get my food. And stay away from my cup. That's my cup.
Then Lorna came out from the back. Lorna works there. I didn't know her name was Lorna until she walked toward the register to take my order. Before she got there Dave said, "Hey Lorna. You know what I think would be good on that burrito? Two slices of tomato. I've never had it that way before, but I think with all the other things you're adding, tomatoes would make it perfect."
I didn't know his name was Dave until Lorna said in a voice barely above a whisper, "Yes Dave. That is an excellent idea."
She kept a wary eye on Dave as she backed through the kitchen door to explain Dave's latest amendment. Dave gave me an angry look and began pacing from his soda cup to the far end of the counter. He was clenching and releasing his hands as he paced.
At last Lorna came out and told Dave that if he'd kindly have a seat, she could bring his special order out to him just as soon as it was ready.
Dave paused. He squinted at me, then glanced at his cup, then at Lorna. Lorna smiled. Her eyebrows so high, it had to be some kind of trick with mirrors.
Dave acquiesced, grabbed his cup, throwing me a warning glance as he passed by and stomped off to a table somewhere behind me.
Then Lorna took my order. I noticed that the line of cars was now moving. Things seemed to be getting back to normal.
I sat down to read while I waited for my Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito. But I couldn't concentrate. I looked up to see Dave staring at me. A snarled lip. I don't know what his problem was, but I turned my back to him and was sort of able to begin reading.
About 5 seconds later, Lorna came out with a tray. I didn't pay any attention, because surely this was the food Dave had been waiting for for God knows how long. The breakfast to end all breakfasts, stop a line of cars and turn poor old Dave into a seething madman.
Nope. It was for me. I didn't dare look back at Dave.
It was embarrassing, but certainly not my fault. Clearly, Dave had a gripe, but with Lorna, not me, right?
I flipped my foil wrapped burrito over to peel off the sticker. Hmm. That's weird. Normally, the sticker says "spicy." This one said "special"
I think you can see where this is headed.
Oblivious, I took a huge bite out of the burrito and was surprised to find that
1) The Chicken was not spicy
2) There were lots of crazy ingredients in this burrito, including 2 slices of tomato
3) It was the most delicious breakfast burrito in the whole wide world.
As I was enjoying my first bite of Dave's Burrito, Lorna came up with a plain old boring Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito. She apologized to me, told me to keep both burritos and to have a blessed day.
This put me in such an awkward position I was forced to stand up, walk over to Dave and stab him in the throat with a plastic butter knife.
I then went on a rampage and slaughtered everyone in the Chick-fil-a while the Christian minivan family praised the lord that even though a flat tire prevented them from their beloved Chick-fil-a today, father had skillfully repaired the flat and they were up and running again. Chick-fil-a could wait until tomorrow.
And that's the story of the Fast Food Psycho.
I dine in. I don't drive-thru. I take a book to read so I can enjoy my Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito while I read.
By the way, It's just called "Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito" but it is magnificent.
There is rarely anyone else at Chick-fil-a in the morning. If there is, it is this one Christian family. No kidding. They have a minivan and 6 kids. They are solemn. They pray over their food. All 8 of them eat their breakfast in silence.
It makes me happy that Chick-fil-a sticks to its ultra conservative Christian ideals so I can enjoy my Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito and read my book in monasterial calm.
At McDonald's I'd surely have to contend with the hullabaloo of all the little sinner boys and girls. Oh yeah - and McDonald's food is shit.
But this morning I knew something at Chick-fil-a was amiss. I drove into the parking lot and saw half a dozen cars waiting at the drive-thru. I would never expect more than 2. So either there was a problem or the secret is out on the Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito.
Also, there was a car parked in the lot. Unusual. It wasn't the Christian minivan.
I stopped my car, took a deep breath, and considered skipping breakfast. I decided that since I had my book, I could wait for my food while they sorted out whatever their problem was.
I just about changed my mind when I set foot inside. It was all wrong.
There were no employees in sight. Most days, a cheery cashier is at my beck and call the instant I enter, eager to wish me a "blessed day."
I stood there assessing the scene. In front of the cash register was a half empty soda cup with a chewed up straw sticking out of a cracked plastic lid. The only person in sight was a customer. He was on the same side of the counter as me, but at the far end. He was the cup's owner.
No employee came to take my order. I heard them in the kitchen. They were not paying any attention to me or the line of cars at the drive-thru. There was arguing. Panic maybe.
I approached the register to get somebody's attention. As I did, the man at the end of the counter bolted toward the soda cup. I figured he was going to move it so I could stand at the register. He looked at me and I said, "Morning," but he did not reply. He walked up to the cup, left it there and walked back to the other end.
The message was clear. Nobody orders until I get my food. And stay away from my cup. That's my cup.
Then Lorna came out from the back. Lorna works there. I didn't know her name was Lorna until she walked toward the register to take my order. Before she got there Dave said, "Hey Lorna. You know what I think would be good on that burrito? Two slices of tomato. I've never had it that way before, but I think with all the other things you're adding, tomatoes would make it perfect."
I didn't know his name was Dave until Lorna said in a voice barely above a whisper, "Yes Dave. That is an excellent idea."
She kept a wary eye on Dave as she backed through the kitchen door to explain Dave's latest amendment. Dave gave me an angry look and began pacing from his soda cup to the far end of the counter. He was clenching and releasing his hands as he paced.
At last Lorna came out and told Dave that if he'd kindly have a seat, she could bring his special order out to him just as soon as it was ready.
Dave paused. He squinted at me, then glanced at his cup, then at Lorna. Lorna smiled. Her eyebrows so high, it had to be some kind of trick with mirrors.
Dave acquiesced, grabbed his cup, throwing me a warning glance as he passed by and stomped off to a table somewhere behind me.
Then Lorna took my order. I noticed that the line of cars was now moving. Things seemed to be getting back to normal.
I sat down to read while I waited for my Magnificent Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito. But I couldn't concentrate. I looked up to see Dave staring at me. A snarled lip. I don't know what his problem was, but I turned my back to him and was sort of able to begin reading.
About 5 seconds later, Lorna came out with a tray. I didn't pay any attention, because surely this was the food Dave had been waiting for for God knows how long. The breakfast to end all breakfasts, stop a line of cars and turn poor old Dave into a seething madman.
Nope. It was for me. I didn't dare look back at Dave.
It was embarrassing, but certainly not my fault. Clearly, Dave had a gripe, but with Lorna, not me, right?
I flipped my foil wrapped burrito over to peel off the sticker. Hmm. That's weird. Normally, the sticker says "spicy." This one said "special"
I think you can see where this is headed.
Oblivious, I took a huge bite out of the burrito and was surprised to find that
1) The Chicken was not spicy
2) There were lots of crazy ingredients in this burrito, including 2 slices of tomato
3) It was the most delicious breakfast burrito in the whole wide world.
As I was enjoying my first bite of Dave's Burrito, Lorna came up with a plain old boring Spicy Chicken Breakfast Burrito. She apologized to me, told me to keep both burritos and to have a blessed day.
This put me in such an awkward position I was forced to stand up, walk over to Dave and stab him in the throat with a plastic butter knife.
I then went on a rampage and slaughtered everyone in the Chick-fil-a while the Christian minivan family praised the lord that even though a flat tire prevented them from their beloved Chick-fil-a today, father had skillfully repaired the flat and they were up and running again. Chick-fil-a could wait until tomorrow.
And that's the story of the Fast Food Psycho.
No comments:
Post a Comment