We're gonna need a bigger box of Cocoa Puffs

It's time to proselytize.  I have a new mission.  I officially kicked off my evangelism tour at last night's Trek Store Ride (WNFW).

That's right, I'm back.  The kids are done with swim team and the corresponding meets, so my Wednesdays are freed back up.

It was nice.  Before I temporarily left the ride, I had the feeling that "everybody hate me."  And even though it is most likely true, all in attendance greeted my return cordially, so that was lovely.  Shim even regaled the group with a stirring rendition of "Welcome Back" (The Theme Song to the 70's hit series, Welcome Back Kotter) complete with interesting trivia about the song's author ...

Look out Barbarino, these guys seem to be dying from shortest to tallest

Shim: Hey Cube, you know who sang that song?

Cube: The Lovin' Spoonfuls.

Shim: No.

Cube:  Ok, give me a minute.

This conversation was happening during a double paceline on the way toward the Surfside KOM.  Shim and I would see each other every minute or so as the rotation brought us next to each other twice per rotation.
 Once with me on the left and once with Shim on the left.

So on the next time by ...

Shim: You got it yet?

Cube: John Sebastian.

Shim: Yep. What ... (fading, can't hear)

Next rotation ...

Shim: ... else was he famous for?

Cube:  Being in the Lovin' Spoonfuls?

Shim laughs, then after asking everyone and finding out nobody knew, he told us the other thing that John Sebastian is famous for.  I gotta say, I did not know that.  It was actually quite fascinating.

Anyway - I was happy to be back on the ride.  In the 6 weeks I was away, I was only able to get to the Tuesday Night GSV ride twice.  Both of those times were great experiences.  I met some fantastic people and have made a few friends out of the deal.  Group rides have a way of making that happen.

I wouldn't say I like one ride over the other.  Both have their specific merits.  I think I'll choose the Wednesday by default though because it starts and ends a little earlier.  I prefer the Tuesday route, so, wait - what if we went to Iowa sometime on the Trek Store ride?  I'll tell you what: Fun!

The best thing about last night's ride was that I was reminded of the crusade I have decided to set out upon.  A couple of weeks ago, I was reading Jonathan Wait's blog and I recognized an unsettling justification for stockpiling weapons and ammo.  I am seeing this belief trending lately and I am truly concerned.

In the last year, 3 people that I personally know have claimed to be gathering weaponry in preparation for the zombie apocalypse.  

About 25 years ago or so, I was lounging around in Ft Collins, Colorado, I rented a couch from a survivalist, let's call him "August" and his family.  Actually, I don't think they were charging me.  It was not ideal, but I didn't have much money and the price was right.  The problem was the survivalist was insanely jealous of his wife, who was frequently making passes as me, which is scary enough when the guy doesn't own a bunch of firearms.

Brad Pitt has signed up to play my character in "Couch Pad"

August often told me in great gory detail what he'd do to anyone he caught fooling around with his wife.  He explained how he'd then turn the gun on his children, wife and ultimately on himself, thus bending what I would think should be the first rule of survivalism.

Probably the worst part of all of this was that his wife was one of the most earth-shatteringly unattractive women I'd ever seen.  August would be sending me a not so subtle message that I'd better not fuck his wife.  His wife was sending me the message that she'd be perfectly happy with me fucking her.  I wanted August to know that I could never have sex with his wife because I found her to be disgusting, but I wasn't sure that would have been a wise thing to say.

One day while I was looking through the classifieds for a different place to live, August came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go up into the foothills to some shooting range.  He was going to take a couple of handguns, his wife's 12 gauge, and his very special Springfield M1-A.  I know I've told a story once before where some of these elements were involved, but this is a different climb up the mountain.

On the way up, August explained to me the virtue of knowing how to survive in the event that Ivan Invades.  He had it all worked out.  He knew where exactly he would go and how he would properly shelter and feed his family if it ever came to that.  He had several strategic locations scouted out.  From a single vantage point he could protect himself from any number of invaders and from all directions.

I don't remember what August's job was, but when he talked about living off the land, he became a different person.  It seemed like he wanted Ivan to invade.  Otherwise all of his preparation was sort of a waste.

I was impressed by all the knowledge he had.  I could see the value of knowing how to live off the land.  But I didn't actually believe that any invasion from the Soviets or anyone else was actually probable.

August could surely sense my skepticism so by way of driving the point home, he suggested that I lead us out of the mountains and back to the car.  It came across like a challenge, which was stupid.  We had just walked along a path up to the site of his future post-siege home.  All I had to do was turn around and walk back to the car.

Finally after passing a certain boulder for the 3rd time, he pointed the direction of the car.  I had been leading us in circles for about 2 hours and it had only taken us about 20 minutes to get to his dream home from the car.  So yeah.  I was lost.  Point taken.

I'm a little sad for August that Ivan never came.  We now know he never will.  I kind of thought that August should just move up there anyway, but I suppose until we are under some sort of attack, it would be illegal.  Certainly you can't just build some sort of military fortress on some public hiking trails.

I thought August was a kook.  A likable, homicidal kook.  He had some real paranoia issues.  He had spent years learning to survive in the wild.  Even though the imminent threat he perceived was little more than fantastic delusion, it was still technically possible.

Well maybe not technically.  There really were Russians (Soviets).  They really had guns and stuff.  I suppose they could have marched north over the top of the world and then south into Ft Collins. But even then, at the tender age of 21, it seemed like the biggest load of shit I'd ever heard.

August owned guns and stockpiled ammo because he believed 2 things.

1) The Russians were coming.
2) Everybody wanted to have sex with his wife (It probably didn't help that his wife was flirty.  Hideous and flirty).

Back then (the 80's), when someone felt the need to gather guns and ammo, their reasoning was similar to August's.  To fight an enemy known to exist.  Also - if pressed, August really could survive in the wild.  He had done the whole "go into the wild naked and survive" thing on several occasions.  So no matter how kooky he was, he was for real.

Presently, the 2 reasons I hear for stockpiling are:

1) Zombies
2) Something Obama is doing.

Guns and ammo are not cheap.  When will you really have need of them other than for goofing around at the range?  Never.  That's when.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It's fun.  If you hunt or are in law enforcement or something, that's a different story, of course.  But building up an arsenal in case there are zombies someday or in case Obama comes to your house.  That's just stupid.  There will never be zombies and Obama will never come to your house. I'm not ruling out that Obama is a zombie, but he's still not coming to your house.  I promise.

I understand that you won't believe this.  August didn't believe me when I told him that the Russians would never come.  He didn't believe me when I told him nobody wanted to fuck his wife.  But I was right on both counts.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is if you are going to be insane, you should follow August's example.  Don't just build an arsenal.  Learn what berries you can eat and stuff.  I dare say guns are only a small part of surviving the post-apocalyptic world that is never coming.  You should become a well rounded nutjob.  Like my friend August. You're welcome.