Of course I’m talking about the Doctor and the Dentist.
I needed to get my mouth healthy and make sure everything else was ok with me. It was really scary for me, but I did it. I had no idea of what would be found. But I wasn’t going to worry about it anymore. It finally got through to me that even if there was something horribly wrong with me, avoiding it would only make it worse. I know it seems simple, but fear isn’t very logical.
Since then, if there’s anything that concerns me about my health, I make an appointment with the Dr. I get to visit the dentist 4 times a year for a thorough cleaning. Normally, it would be twice a year, but my years of neglect have put me into this place.
If I have something I’m concerned about medically, I usually blow it off until I feel the need to look it up on the internet.
Don’t ever do that. It’s stupid. The internet always says you have cancer of the AIDS.
But here’s the thing. If you have cancer of the AIDS, you should go to the Dr. Not finding out you have it will kill you much faster than finding out and treating it.
So I don’t look to the internet for diagnosis anymore.
Once upon a time about 12 years ago, I was going to the dentist every 6 months. I was not really taking care of my teeth between those checkups. Twice a year, I’d go in and they’d say, “tsk tsk, you need to floss better.” Or “If you don’t start flossing, you’re going to lose all of your teeth.”
The final straw back then was when I went to the dentist and there was some sort of rash or something inside my mouth. He suddenly became very concerned. “I don’t know. I don’t want to say what I think that might be …” he told me. My heart beginning to sink as unbelievable fear gripped me. “Oh my God, I thought. Surely, I have the cancer of the AIDS! I’m too young to die, etc. etc.”
The dentist continued, “I’d see a dermatologist immediately if I were you. Oh yeah, and floss better or you’re going to lose all of your teeth.”
So I went home and immediately consulted the internet, which confirmed my fear. There was really no need for a Dr’s appointment. It was clear from the internet that I had cancer of the AIDS.
But my wife, who got a real kick out of my psychosis, laughingly yelled at me. She was sick of me walking around worrying about it. “There’s nothing wrong with you, but go see a Dr. and stop worrying about it, dumbass.”
So I went. The Dr. said “I think that’s thrush.”
“Thrush?” I asked, my fears deepening even further. I had read about thrush. It was a yeast infection that only babies and adults with AIDS get. “I thought only babies get that.” I said, leaving out the AIDS part.
“Well let me get a dermatologist in here. Hang on.”
Oh man that was a long 5 minutes. The dermatologist came in and glanced inside my mouth. “Lichen Planus,” she declared instantly.
“Like an whosit?” I asked. My internet diagnosis had never uncovered that one.
“Nobody knows the exact cause. It's non-contagious. It’s not cancer and HIV positive people never get it.”
“What now?”
“Nothing. It’ll most likely just go away.”
So next time I was at the dentist, it had completely cleared up. The dentist asked me if I had found out what it was. I told him and he said, “Oh of course it was. It’s so obvious. They teach us about this in dentist school. Here, look at this, I have a big book with pictures. Doesn’t that look exactly like what you had?”
Yes, it did. Too bad he couldn’t have told me that in the first place.
“And floss your teeth better or you’ll lose them all,” He yelled after me as I left the dentist office for the last time in roughly 10 years.
Well for the last 3 years, I’ve taken care of my teeth. I like my dentist a lot. I went in with years of plaque built up on them and a mild case of gingivitis. I was afraid I was going to lose all of my teeth, but after examining me, he said, “Well the good news is, you can keep all of your teeth for as long as you want.”
This was a different approach. For whatever reason, I responded to it. I’ve faithfully taken care of my teeth since then.
So I went in today for a checkup and cleaning. After the cleaning, the dentist came in and examined my mouth. He said he was going to take a look around and make sure everything looked ok.
“No cracked teeth. Good. Let’s look under your tongue. Ok. Sides of your mouth. Well, I see no signs of any oral cancer, so we can do a little happy dance about that.”
Boop, boop, boop. Back the truck up. Don’t say the “C” word around me. Under any circumstances. When you say that, I’m like, “Were you somehow expecting cancer? Is there something in my walk or something that makes me a candidate? Just don’t say cancer, dammit.”
So yeah – I guess when I go back to the dentist in 10 years or so, it will be a different one.
Bonus (unrated, unedited) Material:
The following is what I had written for today’s post before I went to the dentist (and he said “cancer” in front of me) this morning.
Well I can’t believe it’s already that time of year. The kids are back in school. The long anticipated fall television lineup is just around the corner. The days are noticeably shorter as summer comes to a close.
Road biking season is wrapping up as well. People are gearing up for Cyclocross. This is the time to shop around for great deals on stuff you’ll use next summer.
I’ve started thinking about how my “training” will go over the winter. Of course I will ride outside as much as possible. I plan to do about what I did last year and ride year round on weekends. But I know there will be some time on the rollers.
Oh yeah, and the Vuelta starts this weekend.
Hmm? What? The Vuelta? As in “The Vuelta a Espana?”
Yeah, that one. If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering what the hell the Vuelta is or why anyone would care.
I think everyone has heard of the Tour De France. Well, supposedly, there are 2 more bicycle races in the world. There’s one in Italy that happens before the Tour and one in Spain that happens afterwards.
The one in France is the most popular because it’s in the summer. There’s nothing else on to watch, so people have to watch it.
Second place is the one in Italy because it is in the spring and people are ready for some bike racing after the long winter.
The Vuelta though. That’s the one that’s held when everybody just wants to forget about cycling for a while and watch some college football (and I mean real football – not that ridiculous soccer thing).
Plus, unfortunately for the Vuelta, it comes around each year after all of the best riders of the year have already been suspended, so it becomes “the race of the domestique.” Which sucks. There’s so much confusion among the teams because each member is carrying 9 water bottles in his jersey.
Hopefully though, if I end up watching any of this sorry excuse for a bike race, it will be Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen announcing for the English speaking world. At least that way, I can close my eyes and pretend it’s the Tour De France and it matters for some reason.
[At this point, I realized I had to get to my dentist appointment. I wasn’t worried. I hadn’t heard a dentist say “cancer” for at least 12 years. Ahh, the innocence of earlier today.]
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