Cleaning up the Peloton

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about being on a mission.  I don't remember what it was really about, but I think it had something to do with "There aren't really zombies, people.  Get over it"

Well, I've moved on from that.  I'm on a brand new (for me) mission. I've recently (last night) been told that if I just do group rides and never race, then it doesn't matter how good I am, I am a poseur.  Next year.  Really.  I'll race next year.  Right now, I've got this other deal I'm doing.

So yeah, I'm not a world class professional cyclist.  I'm not a national level pro.  I'm not a regional pro or even a cat 1,2 or 3.  I'm a lowly cat 4.  All that means is that at some point in my life I've been in a few races.  Results are not required to "upgrade" to cat 4.

Nonetheless, I have a new mission.  To clean up cycling at my level.  We all know about the problems professional cycling has faced in the last 2 decades or so.  What a lot of people don't know is that we have our own problems down here in the local training ride scene.

On any fast paced group ride of more than 10 people there is bound to be at least one who is not riding clean.  How do I know this?  It's pretty obvious, really.  I'm going to explain how you can instantly spot offenders and what you can do about it.

Who cares?  They're only hurting themselves, right?  No, that's not right.  I don't know if it bothers everyone, but it bugs the heck out of me when I'm trying to keep up in a paceline and I find myself stuck behind one of these guys.  Gasping for air.  Trying to keep up.

It's really not fair.

Back before I was a cyclist, I used to just workout with weights over at the Omaha Athletic club.  Then 24 hour fitness came along and bought the OAC and Todd Smith's gym.  I switched over to 24 hour fitness when they came in and I started working out at Todd Smith's.  Todd Smith's was way cooler than any 24 hour fitness, so it was fun until it wasn't there anymore.

There were plenty of powerlifting and bodybuilding types there and strangely enough, there were a few who were obviously on steroids.

There was one guy who may or may not have been juicing but he was certainly not 100% clean, whatever he was doing.  I'd see him there just about every day.  It didn't matter what time I hit the gym, he was there.  He was very strong and had big huge muscles.  He didn't show it off though.  He was always wearing a gray sweatshirt and gray sweatpants.  The same gray sweatshirt and gray sweatpants.  The same unwashed gray sweatshirt and gray sweatpants.

I didn't know the guy's name, but I always referred to him (in my mind) as Pepe.  Because he smelled bad.  Real bad.  Like Pepe LePew.  The skunk.  From the cartoons.

Spot me on zis, no?

That reminds me - I always refer to Shim (in my mind) as "Cherry Salsa" but for a completely different reason that I probably won't bother to explain anytime soon.  All I can say is, it's not a bad thing.  It's good.  Really.  I swear.

Anyway, one day Pepe was working out on a lat pull machine next to the one I was on.  I was pulling down something like 80k or so and he was straining for everything, pulling somewhere in the neighborhood of 150K.  Suddenly, he jumped up and yelled "Oh Shit!" and walked away from the machine.

I didn't really pay much attention until I glanced over to where he had been sitting to notice that he had apparently had some sort of anal leakage, leaving a soupy brown streak on the lat pull machine seat.

To Pepe's credit, he came back around a few minutes later with a wad of brown paper towels to smear the shit stain around the seat a bit.

From that point on, I began to refer to the guy (in my mind) as "Pierre."  As in "Pierre LePoopypants."  Really.  I did.

It wasn't until a few weeks later that I learned his actual name.  He was working out somewhere near me, same unwashed dirty gray sweatsuit (I don't know if he had washed his sweatpants since he had shit through them, I was trying to avoid finding out), when someone walked by and said "How's it going, Fred?"

I looked up to respond, only to learn that the person was asking none other than Ol' Poopypants  himself.  Doh.

So then I had to start calling him (in my mind) Fred Poopypants.  To me, it just wasn't the same.

After seeing first hand, how dirty a sport weightlifting could be, I turned to the purest, most beautiful athletic endeavor known to man.  Golf.

But then I got fat, so that wasn't working.  I was forced to return to my one and only true love:  Riding a bike around for a while.

I think when people wear dirty workout clothes to workout in, they must not realize how bad they smell and how far away they smell bad from.  It is really quite amazing.  But I think that everyone is partially to blame for their ignorance.  Well I aim to change that. 

Let's say there's a rider on the group ride who, in medical terms, stinks to high heaven.  We'll just hypothetically call this rider "John."

Nobody is going to tell John he stinks.  That would be rude.  Instead, we'll just suffer in silence behind his nasty ass.  Or most likely, we'll just avoid getting behind him at all.  Of course, If we try to stay in front of him, he may see it as a playful attack and jump right back around.  We are then forced to inhale his great stench or sit up and be dropped by him.

I'm as guilty as anyone.  Not of being dirty. Of being a part of this most insidious omerta. I should say,  "Hey John.  You fuckin' stink, man.  When you get home go burn all of your cycling clothing, take a shower and go buy new cycling clothing, and so on ..."

Since nobody is saying anything, you may stink and not know it.

Just because nobody has ever said anything to you, it's ok to go along as you have been forever, right?  No wrong.  People silently hate you.  And by "people," I mean "we" and by "we," I mean "I".  I hate you.  That's what I'm trying to say.

So how do you know if you are an unclean rider if nobody says anything?  I'm going to help you right now.  Also, If you become clean, I won't hate you anymore!  Lucky!

If you are thinking you might be an unclean rider, then you probably aren't.  Unclean riders don't think about it, I hope.  I hope these people don't actually know how bad they stink, but somehow think that's ok.

Generally speaking, If you always wash your kit (and yourself) after a day's riding, you have nothing to worry about.

So if it's never occurred to you that maybe you stink, here's some guidelines for you:

If either you or your kit gets in more than a day's riding without being washed, you are filthy smelly scum.  End of story.

But you can be fixed.  Here you go:

First, you need to go put all of your cycling clothes (jerseys, bibs/shorts, socks) in a pile and burn them.  It is too late for them.  They are not coming back.  On a positive note, they smell like they'll go up in flames pretty easily, so there's that.

But Cube, can't I just throw them away?  I mean isn't there an ordinance or something about burning stuff?

No, you may not just throw them away, because you are very smelly and lazy.  If you just throw them away and don't get a chance to get them replaced before the next "Epic" ride, you'll be digging through the trash for them.  Trust me.  You will.  That's just how disgusting you are.  "Hey John, It looks like there's some iceberg lettuce on the back of your jersey.  And maybe, a taco bell gordita supreme wrapper"

Second, go to Wal-Mart and ask them where they sell this thing called "Antiperspirant" or "Deodorant."  They may not know what you are talking about.  If that's the case, just ask around at grocery stores until you find it.  Buy some and take it home.  Put it next to your shower.  Your shower is in the bathroom.  You will need both of these things (shower and antiperspirant) for the next step.

Next, you need to shower.  Use soap.  Do this at least daily, but you might find that a shower (with soap) immediately after a sweaty workout is also refreshing.

After your shower, dry off with a clean towel and follow the instructions on the container of antiperspirant you just bought.  It may seem crazy at first, but after a while, you'll wonder how you lived without it.

Also, shower (use soap and antiperspirant) before you go buy new cycling clothes.  This is important.  You are going to try them on in the shop, probably.  You don't want to contaminate them with your foul odor.

Next, wash your new clothes (use laundry detergent and a washing machine) before you ride in them.  I don't know if this really matters or not, but ew!  Who knows where those have been?  I know you're not in a habit of caring where they've been, but you need to get into that habit, John.

Next, after your ride, wash your clothes (laundry detergent) and yourself (soap/antiperspirant).  Again.

What do you mean cube?  Another shower (with soap/antiperspirant)?

Yes that's what I mean.  That's how the rest of us do it.  I know that showering (with soap/antiperspirant) every single day may seem excessive, but trust me on this.  It is not.  Join us.  Please.

Oh yeah, and shave your legs.  You look like a slob.