I’m sure everyone knows where the phrase “Jumping the Shark” comes from. If not, you at least know the meaning. Basically, we’ve done everything we can. From this point on, we have no idea how to continue. We had a good run and we should quit. However we will not quit. We will do anything to survive for a little longer, including having the Fonz, wearing a leather Jacket, water ski over a shark pit.
To me the opposite of Jumping the shark is “Becoming a Vampire Movie”. It’s a much nobler form of the same idea. You have a fairly decent story going, but don’t really know where you’re taking it. All is not lost. There are plenty of ways to finish the story, but the easiest, best way is to completely change the subject and make it a vampire movie. I know it was an action/crime movie. I don’t care. It’s now a vampire movie. I have seen many movies since From Dusk ‘til Dawn that could have greatly benefitted from this approach.
Where “Jumping the shark” is a desperate last ditch attempt to salvage something that should just say goodbye. Becoming a vampire movie says, hey yeah, we know. We’ve got something here. We’re just getting started, but we may not handle the rest of it well. It’s almost impossible to screw up a vampire movie. Especially if you can sign Selma Hayek up for it.
The biggest difference between Jumping the shark and Becoming a Vampire movie is that to become a vampire movie you have to literally become a vampire movie. Jumping the shark is just some metaphor or homophone or onomatopoeia or some shit.
To me, one (three actually) of the great cinematic travesties is what George Lucas did to Star Wars. Just think though, if while Jar Jar Binks was slinking around annoying everyone, his throat was suddenly gashed open by some unseen force and there was a big huge vampire drawing his life as he hopelessly gurgled and rasped for salvation. The rest of the movie writes itself as all the remaining characters fight a horde of bloodsucking beasts, with young Anakin delivering the final death blow to whoever the galactic vampire leader is.
I’m willing to bet this would have been received much better.
One point, though. This will not make a bad movie good. It only makes a movie that starts out good into an excellent movie. Bad movies are bad Movies. Period. That’s why it didn’t work in From Dusk til Dawn 2 through 8 or however many they made.
Most Steve Martin, Kevin Costner, and Mel Gibson movies fit into this category.
Roxanne? Please. Good for a while, then it’s like wait … Darryl Hannah plays a smart person? Who cast this piece of shit? More Vampires, now.
My Blue Heaven. If you can get past the horrible accent, it’s good until Ric Moranis starts dancing.
Shop Girl? Just kidding. That sucked all the way through. No help there. Same with Spanish Prisoner.
Mystic River. Ooh, it was powerful! Nope. Vampires – before I have to watch Sean Penn bully Susan Sarandon’s husband for one more second.
Sean: Did you do it?
Tim: No.
Sean: Did you do it?
Tim: No.
Sean: I know it was you. Did you do it?
Tim: No. Holy Crap! A vampire!
Unbreakable (and most movies that start with ‘un’, by the way – and ALL M Night Shyamalan movies.):
Bruno: Hey son, put that paint can on this barbell - let’s see if I can’t lift it.
Son: Wow, you have superhuman strength. And something I never noticed before. Fangs!
JFK: hard hitting drama. Long, boring, heavily fictionalized. Make Joe Pesci and Donald Sutherland creatures of the night and now you got a gem.
Donald Sutherland: I’m sorry we had to meet at night, Mr. Ness, but the
clever hints I have for you are … Hey what’s that! ARGH!!
-- And yes it was too Elliot Ness in JFK.
Moulin Rouge. Yeah, it was kind of cool for a while. Hey look, they’re using modern songs.
You know what? All Nicole Kidman movies too.
Forrest Gump. After the third or fourth time he says ‘Lieutenant Dan’
Anyway, you get the idea. I’ll be thinking of more, but I’d be interested in what you think. What movie? Where should it turn?
Brady Mentioned Field of Dreams. That’s easy – “Is this heaven?” No, not quite, Throatless Joe!!! A hahahaha!
Also note:
It shouldn’t be limited to movies. Television could be greatly improved
Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody would see that coming.
Ray: Ma, the reason my wife (can’t think of her name) can’t cook is because we exist only on human blood!
American Idol. Hell Yeah!
Simon: Absolutely dreadful. If you ever had any talent, it was not singing. But I don’t think you’ll ever be good at anyth … aaahhh. Please Paula!! Help, grghh this is horrib …snap, crunch, drain.
Randy: Holy shit, dog (fredcube: I just had to put “dog” in there. I know, I know …). It’s a frikkin’ vampire. And it’s shredding Simon’s throat. Nooooooo!!
Some commercials (like the new Bill Gates/ Jerry Seinfeld ones) need some help too. At first you’re like “Ok, Gates and Seinfeld. This should be good. Hey turn it up. Ok, they’re bending shoes. Something funny will happen soon. Still bending shoes, still bending …
Man, this post is getting long … Wait there’s a knock at my seventh story window. Be right back, shim.
6 comments:
Well done, Fred.
I pictured field of Dreams like this:
Ray Kinsella: [being rushed out of Mann's loft] You've changed - you know that?
Terence Mann: Yes - I suppose I have! How about this: [***GNASH - RIP***] Peace, love, dope?!" Now go to *hell* Ray Kinsella!
Martin & Caine's Dirty Rotten Scoundrels:
Caine: You've been banging your pots again. I told you if you keep doing it, you won't have any pots left. All right. Cuddly-cuddly. Don't do that. [***CRUNCH!!**] AHHH - RUPRECHT! STOP THAT RUPRECHT...
Connery & Baldwin from Red October:
Jack Ryan: I wrote a biography of, of Admiral Halsey, called "The Fighting Sailor", about, uh, naval combat tactics...
Captain Ramius: I know this book!
Capt. Vasili Borodin: Torpedo impact in ten seconds...
Captain Ramius: Your conclusions were all wrong, Ryan - [**MUNCH!**] - What the? Capt. Vasili!! - you fulking balstard!!
DiCaprio & Winslet in Titanic:
[the Titanic is about to sink]
Rose: Jack! This is where we first met. - - !!CHOMP!! Vampires wreaking havoc on the sinking ship...
Kirk & Bones Star Trek III:
[Witnessing the destruction of the Enterprise]
Kirk: My God, Bones... what have I done?
McCoy: What you had to do. What you always do: turn death into a fighting chance to live.
[A glimmer of light reflects off of McCoy's razor sharp teeth just before he sinks into Kirk's jugular]
So... Fred...
You don't know me, and i don't know you, but apparently we have a lot in common. Just ask your half of a child. (yeah, i read that post too). I don't have too much to offer on this post, exactly, but i'm fairly bored at the moment so i figured i'd drop a comment.
My name's Paul, by the way. Maybe you've heard of me. I'm sort of a big deal. Haha... (RIGHT....)
Brady - Excellent. What can I say? You rule.
Hey Paul - Brady just came in like 15th at the corporate cup. Seriously.
You know what's wierd, Paul? Last night I was on my way home from school and I heard this great song I had never heard before. I don't turn the radio on much. I usually just listen to my Glenn Miller CDs. Anyways, there was this song on that was so enjoyable that I had to go home and check out iTunes and see who it was. When my half child got home from "work", I even asked her about the song. I'll leave it to you to figure out what the hell I'm talking about.
The song would have been even better if they'd said "I can sink my teeth into your neck, into your neck. Oh crap, now I'm just giving it away.
Well, my initial thought was Micheal Jackson's "Thriller", but then i realized he hasn't been on the radio pretty much since he got his skin bleached (true story...).
Anyway, as the self-proclaimed biggest Flobots fan in Omaha, I'm fairly confident that you're talking about Handlebars. Admittedly, I was hooked before that song was half-way over when i heard it the first time. Bought 3 copies of their album the day it came out. (two were gifts for friends, i swear!!!!)
Glad to hear that you approve. (Validation... YES!)
As I was saying, comment hijacking usually goes something like this.
The blog post title: Last Weekend's Road Race.
Rafal: More steel-cut goodness gravy. Awesome.
Munson: Reading this makes me think I should get back into racing.
John T: Sounds like a tough race, but you hung in there.
Shim: Hey Fred, no news on Charlie Burton, but I found this YouTube video...
Fred doesn't help. He actually answers many of Shim's off-topic comments on Charlie Burton.
Continue reading the story here
Oh that clears it up Paul. I was thinking you must have bought 3 copies because you planned on listening to it more than once and you adhere to the "Fair Use Act" as proposed by the record companies. Ha ha Paul. That really clears it up. Hey - Have you ever heard any Charlie Burton? Or even Dexy's Midnight runners?
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