The Keystone Trail in Omaha is a multi-use trail that starts around 88th and Fort St. and goes South for several miles. It connects to other trails and is part of a nice network of safe pathways for people and pets to walk, run, bike, sleep on - or whatever.
Since there are all sorts of people on the trail, it is good form to carefully navigate around all children, dogs, and others when passing. It is also good form to not make any unexpected movements. Being predictable is nice.
One big problem that has plagued the trail over the years is the Keystone Hammer. I first heard of this phenomenon from Brian Redemske. I think he came up with the term.
From my understanding, the Keystone Hammer is a cyclist who is using the trail as his own personal race track. He is in a race with everybody on the trail. It looks a lot like Mario Kart. The safety of anyone on the trail, including himself, is secondary. The most important thing is winning the race. So if a couple of children are walking on this nice spring day with their pop-pop, they better stay the hell out of the way. What do they think this is? A multi-use path? No. Keep those brats to the right or I WILL run them down! I am the Hammer, and I'll not put my PR for this segment in jeopardy!
Or something like that.
Note: I just went to Brian Redemske's blog page thing to look up his entry on the Keystone Hammer and was denied access. I'm sure it's personal.
At different points in my life, I have been a keystone hammer. Not for many years. It is sort of a lonely business. It's also a bit of a bully mentality. A bully is someone whose confidence is strictly results driven and easily shaken by one bad experience.
I haven't noticed any Hammers in a long, long time. I am not sure the reason. Most likely because I have spent increasingly less time on the trail in the last 10 years or so.
It seems to me that there is generally less traffic on the Keystone as there was 10 years ago. But I could be wrong.
The last few days however has seen a huge resurgence. With the ultra nice spring weather and everyone being cooped up in their homes lately, the trail has regained some of its early popularity.
Along with that comes the New Keystone Hammer. He's got a new look, but he's still the hammer.
The old Keystone Hammer was ALWAYS a roadie. He was usually kitted in US Postal or Discovery gear. Sometimes he had clip on aero bars, but he was definitely a roadie.
The New Keystone Hammer is way too cool for a road bike, gramps. He has to ride either a gravel (not cyclocross) or fat bike. Extra credit for a nicely coiffed beard.
I encountered this creature yesterday. What follows is my 100% accurate account.
I was on the Keystone starting my solo WNW ride, heading towards the Democracy park trailhead when I noticed a fat bike ahead. It was maybe 400 yards ahead. There was a fairly strong tailwind, so I was easily cruising at around 23 MPH. After a couple of minutes, I was not noticeably closer to the fat bike. This surprised me. I didn't do anything other than note that I was not yet passing this guy.
Eventually, It became clear that I was ever so slowly getting closer to the guy.
Eventually, I passed him with the friendly "On your left" greeting that is requested by the trail sign maker guys.
Oh, I forgot to mention, it was 73 degrees out and sunny. A frickin' perfect day.
I had no idea yet that I was passing a New Keystone Hammer. In fact I didn't even yet know there was such a thing.
After I passed the fat bike, the guy said "Get a real bike."
When I tell my wife about these encounters, she often tries to see the big picture. She can tell that I am telling her about somebody being a dick, and she wants to just let me know that I'm looking at it the wrong way.
When I got to the part where the guy said, "Get a real bike." she jumped in with "He was just giving you some crap. Friendly trash talk."
Did I say, " ... and that is the end of my story. What do you think?"
Because that "just giving me crap" theory was one I held as it was happening.
It went like this:
"Get a real bike"
Me thinking: haha, that's good. I am going to chat with this guy to:
1) see if it's somebody I know.
2) if not, chat about biking in general, and what he thinks of his fat bike in particular.
So I slowed down to let him come up beside me and chat.
As I turned to see where he was, he shouted at me,
"Dude, I WILL run you over!"
Uh oh.
He's not a friend. He's not "Giving me crap." He's mad. real mad.
But what is he mad at?
He's mad at me.
Why?
Because I passed him. He figured out that I must be going faster than him and it's not fair because he is more of a man than I am and so it must be the bike. If it's not the bike, then he is a completely worthless example of a human being. I mean, what is all this training for if some sissy-boy on a purply bike can just zip by? Yeah. Totally the bike.
So I moved over to the far left side of the trail to let the hammer pass me and avoid being run over. I sat behind him for a very uncomfortable moment and then said "I don't think you're going to run me over because you ..."
"Dude, shut the fuck up," he requested.
" ... can't catch me," I continued.
And with that, I went back around him. I shouted back "Have a nice day" and drilled it. Reviving my old school Keystone Hammer ways. I mean - I was flying. 30 MPH? Probably. Maybe faster. Little kids and dogs put into unnecessary danger? Most definitely. I weaved in and out of all manner of foot and bike traffic. Grazing walkers and startling toddlers. Parents everywhere shaking their fists at me. People yelling "Slow down!" causing me to push even harder. Slow down on MY trail? NEVER! You must be confusing me with the Fat Biker back there.
My lungs were burning almost as much as my legs. At this point a tragic mishap was both likely and welcomed. Anything to stop the pain. But no. Everybody got lucky and stayed out of my way. Dude, I WOULD have run them over!
Then I kicked a puppy and knocked some baby birds out of a nest from a low hanging branch.
The Original Keystone Hammer is back baby!
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