Man, I hate headlines. Especially lately, but I've always hated them. They used to always have some stupid pun or play on words. Then they'd put single quotes around the cleverness to make sure the reader was in on the joke:
"Oprah's studio audience all 'Winfrey' cars"
"Tom Petty Tour Bus Suffers 'Breakdown'"
And so on.
Then people stopped reading the paper. Maybe it's because of the headlines but probably since everybody now has 3 computers and a smart phone every story is out there on the internet somewhere.
For a while the internet news story writer guys went with the same 'pun' idea. But there are too many consumers and not enough news so non-stories have to appear interesting.
That's why The Super Bowl must be covered 24/7 for 14 days before and 4 days after it happens.
Celebrity drug overdoses get a minimum of 5 days with every possible angle covered. "The step-daughter of a drug dealer who Hoffman knew, but hasn't talked to since November speaks out!" seriously.
Celebrity drug Overdoses that happen on Super Sunday are a disaster for internet news. "C'mon guys. Spread the news out a little, please."
There are 3 types of headlines I see on the internet:
1) Actual story
This is the rarest. The headline will tell you exactly what's going on. No gimmicks. The writer knows people want to read this story. It's pure gold. It will be splayed across the top of your screen in big, bold, red, sans letters so it looks hastily plastered there:
Brad Pitt Found Dead and Stuff
Now that's a headline.
But if you see, "Fight Club star found Dead" you can bet it is neither Brad Pitt nor Ed Norton - or even Meatloaf for that matter.
In fact, if the guy who played 'Norton' on "The Honeymooners" was still alive and he died, they wouldn't say, "Art Carney Dies." They'd say "'Ed Norton' actor dies" Then you'd be all, "What!?!? the guy from Fight Club? and you'd click on it and see a goofy old guy wearing a hat, and realize what had just happened.
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| We don't talk about bowling club |
2) Misleading 'Teaser' Headline
These really bug me. They actually don't tell you anything at all. They start a fascinating sounding sentence and go all ellipses ...
So instead of saying "Area Woman Goes on a Diet" they say something like "You won't Believe Incredible thing that happened to Woman after she ..."
3) Lying About the Existence of Zombies
Sadly, this is a common headline trick. Whenever you see the word 'Zombie' in a headline and it's not about some work of fiction, you can just skip the story. Why? Because Zombies aren't real. They never will be. I'm not talking about the voodoo tricks they do in Haiti.
A few months ago, there were a bunch of headlines about a new "Zombie Drug" from Russia. It was some narcotic that supposedly gave you a cheap high and then ate your flesh. It was all the rage in Russia and was making quite a splash in the U.S.
Yeah, whatever. "Hey - do you guys have any of that stuff they're taking in Russia that eats your skin?
I don't know if there was such a thing or not, but I do know that they kept calling it the "Zombie Drug"
They were doing that so people like me would go "Really?" and click on the link and learn that "Zombie Drug" is a horrible name for this stuff.
Then more recently, "Zombie Bees"
From ABC NEWS:
Mutant "zombie bees" that act like the ghoulish creatures of horror films have surfaced in the Northeast after first appearing on the West Coast, a bee expert told ABC News on Wednesday.
Now wait a minute. That sounds promising. Sure, it's just bees and not humans, but it's a step in the right direction. This is way better than the Zombie Drug because immediately after the Zombie Drug headline, you learn, that oh wait, it doesn't really turn you into a zombie or anything. It's just some poison that has a similar effect to some spider bites (if it exists at all).
But "Mutant?" "ghoulish creatures of horror films"? Wow! Tell me more!
An amateur beekeeper in Burlington, Vt., last summer found honeybees infested with parasites that cause the insects to act erratically and eventually kill them. It was the first spotting of zombie bees east of South Dakota, according to John Hafernik, a professor of biology at San Francisco State University whose team in October verified the infestation.
"They fly around in a disoriented way, get attracted to light, and then fall down and wander around in a way that's sort of reminiscent of zombies in the movies," Hafernik said. "Sometimes we've taken to calling [it], when they leave their hives, 'the flight of the living dead.'"
Huh? Wait, you used the word "Mutant" up there. Um. There was no mutation of any kind. There wasn't even a virus. Huge disappointment. I really thought we were on to something this time. It's just a parasite that makes the bees sick and die. They don't become undead, craving fellow bee flesh. They don't continue relentlessly until some hero bee with a glock comes up and double taps their ass. That would be a Zombie bee and everybody, including the irresponsible writer of this non-article, knows it. These are just sick bees. But nobody clicks on a headline that says "Sick Bees."
The point is, I don't want to be tricked into reading even part of an article, so I tend to read less of them. Possibly even some that might be interesting.
But I didn't come here to talk about that. I am here to talk about the Zombie Bus.
As I stood alone on that cold dark January morning I became aware of a gnawing anxiety. What am I doing here, I thought. There was no one else around. Was I even in the right place? The howling wind carried the sound of a tormented dog wailing in the distance. Then, at the appointed time, it arrived. The Zombie Bus!!!
I heard its deafening moan before I saw it. My throat went dry and I swallowed hard. My stomach was tied in knots as the behemoth charged toward me. It was too late for me to do anything but watch as it mercilessly bore down. The empty bus, a shell of its full potential came to a screeching stop at my feet.
The bus driver guy opened the door and I asked, "Is this the bus to Tara Plaza?"
"Que?" questioned the driver.
Midway through my repetition, The Zombie Bus Driver responded in the English affirmative.
I hadn't taken a city bus in decades. I had been planning on it and looking for the right opportunity for a couple of weeks, but I still had great apprehension.
Normally, I would have no fear of a bus, but this time there were too many unknowns.
This was the first time I had done the "Bike and Ride" thing. My commute is about 11 miles at its shortest. I can do that down to about 15 or 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Below 10, I have no interest.
On the morning I decided to try the Bike/Bus Thing, it was 2 degrees Fahrenheit, but forecast to be 40F in the afternoon. My brilliant idea was ride the 3.5 miles to the bus stop and take it to the end of the line about 1.5 miles from my office. Then ride home in the afternoon.
Here's a list of the things I remember worrying about before this trip:
1) How to use the bike rack. There are instructions online that I memorized. I went through the motions in my mind repeatedly. I really didn't want to mess up. It turned out to be so simple, a caveman could do it.
2) The bike rack will be full and I'll have to go back home and drive to work. There is room for 2 bikes on the rack. Yeah. I was the only passenger on the bus.
3) There will be standing room only on the bus and I will have to stand in my bike boots for the whole time with my big commuter bag. Yeah. I was the only passenger on the bus.
4) My bike will fall off of the bike rack during the interstate part of the trip. Not even close.
Strangely, the only thing I was not worried about was paying the fare. I have done that many times in the past and it's straightforward enough. All of my concerns were about the new element to the bus ride (the bike part). Ironically, when I tried to shove the quarters into the slot at the top of the money taker thing, it was the wrong place. That was for cards or bills or something. The place for coins was down lower. The Zombie bus driver didn't laugh at me too much though and I had a pleasant ride to Tara Plaza (other than worrying about my bike launching itself onto the interstate).
It was so rewarding overcoming the great fear/obstacle thing that I did it again on Monday. This time, however, I was able to pretend to be bored by the whole process. I even sighed with impatience as I deftly paid the fare, placing the quarters in exactly the right slot. Yawn.
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