I've been struggling lately with this blog posting thing. I am checking out some of my old posts in hopes of some encouragement. Some of the things I've just read, I have no idea how I wrote them.
Well, I have some Idea - but I'm not really sure what I've lost.
I think there's the thing about "mocking" real writing. I never really wrote anything, I just impersonated cliche writing and it kind of worked ok. So I think I'll cliche write for a little bit tonight to get back into shape.
It was a fucking dark and goddamn stormy night. Wow, I feel better already. Ok now what?
Through the evergreens, came the horrifying sound of gale force winds. And your mom farting from her big bottom. Because she smells bad.
Oh yeah - this is stellar stuff, here! It's so good, there's a pretty good chance no editing will be necessary at all. Except maybe a little "passive voice" clean up or something.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah ...
A single maple leaf had ridden hundreds of miles on the wind and come to rest on the shake shingled roof of a remote cabin at the base of the mighty Saskatchewan Mountain range. Saskatchewan Mountain range? Yeah, either there is such a place or I just made it up. So what?
The leaf might have made it even farther north, had it not gotten itself lodged between a couple of the shingles. Oh well, it was just a stupid leaf. It's not like it had a soul ...
"Pappa, what happens when we die?" The little leaf asked his mom.
"I'm your mother dear," said the little leaf's mom.
"Sorry mom, it's just that I can't tell you 2 apart."
"Why you little shit!" cursed the little leaf's dad.
"I mean unless you're talking, that is," said the little leaf.
So his parents told him about how if you're a good little leaf and do all of your work helping to turn the rays of the sun into energy, one day the mighty god-tree will reward you by shedding you off like so much trash. When the god-tree releases you, it will say "More water for me!"
Then the cold, hard ground will be your bed and the frozen water will be your blanket until you crumble into nothingness to serve as nutrients for the tree.
The little leaf was amazed by how much his parents knew about something they had called "fotofenceses" Boy his parents were a couple of bright leaves. Oh no! They really were bright! Orange! He had just learned what that meant. His Parents were dying!
The little leaf began to cry. His parents implored that he calm down or risk shaking himself loose prematurely. His time would come. But until then, he had a job to do.
So here he was all these months later. His job done. All green, yellow, orange gone. He had lost all flexibility. He was now just an old brown, crusty, brittle fragment of his old self.
What a journey he'd had north. Carried by the wind past all the evergreens. Those fuckers.
Now doomed to live his last few days stuck on the roof of a remote cabin. A cabin uninhabited, save for the old craggy, gassy woman who lived there. So pungent and ferocious was her great flatulence that the ungodly odor had seeped through the roof to where the little leaf could not get away.
What did I ever do to deserve this, thought the little brown maple leaf. Oh what stench!
But the leaf had done nothing wrong. It was just the cruelest misfortune that he had landed on your mom's roof. Sniff.