Rules

The first time I ever heard about "The Rules" was in about 1997.  I was talking to a girl I had just met who had given me her phone number.  She said something about how I was really bad at the rules.

She was talking about dating rules.  There was actually a book about it.  I don't know if she ever read the book or not, but I'd never heard of it.  When she first said something about "the rules say ..." I thought she was talking about some unpublished universal understanding of what's kosher on a date.

I didn't know any of it because I had spent the last 7 years being married, so I had been out of the whole dating scene for about 15 years.  The point is, I would have been out of the dating scene regardless of my marital status. I never had game.  My first marriage was sort of a "stand here" exercise.  I just went wherever I was told and did what I was told and ended up married.

I wonder what "The Rules" has to say about that.

After the girl gave me her phone number, she said I couldn't call her for at least 3 days.  I assumed she was talking about the rules again, but it turns out she was referencing the movie "Swingers."

I hadn't seen "Swingers".  Probably because it was released during my marriage from hell.

So having not seen "Swingers," I called her at like 7AM the very next day!

Oops.

The next time I heard about the rules was roughly 2013. My buddy Boomer sent me a link to the Velominati rules.  It was different rules.  I think.  I still haven't read the others.

There was no book.  Not yet anyway.  It was just some web site with a mostly tongue-in-cheek list of rules for road cycling.

Part of its charm was in the fact that it seemed to take itself so seriously.

When I first read the rules, I laughed pretty much all the way through it. It was hilarious.  I read it several times until something bad started happening. I went a little (ok a lot) goofy over the rules. I became kind of a rules Nazi.  It's embarrassing when I think back about how I used to behave.

Eventually, I backed off on many of them because they don't really fit in with who I am. That - by the way - is strictly against the rules. Which is the problem.  I realize that by their very nature, rules are meant to restrict, but for our sport, if it's not something you really are into, why do it?

If somebody ever sees me "breaking" a rule, they usually point it out - and I deserve it for the time I spent being a dickhead.

I usually tell them I know it's an infraction, but FTG.

There's one about when you can wear a cycling cap.  Basically only when you are on a bike.  I guess otherwise you should wear a baseball cap.  Yeah.

There's a rule that says you cannot have a water bottle larger than 500 ml.

Also, you have to call it a bidon.

Also, you can't speak of it in terms of ounces.  Metric only.

And on and on it goes.  Like I said, it's mostly silly.  But many people (like I used to) take every rule seriously.

But in all of this silliness, there are some extremely important rules that should always be obeyed.

The number one rule is actually the number five rule.  Five because the roman numeral for five is 'V' and Velominati starts with 'V'

There are about 100 rules in total and there are maybe a dozen or so that should always be considered.

Many of the rules are useful advice, but there are a few that actually make me a better cyclist.  These are listed below.


5. Harden the fuck up.

This is a magical wonderful rule.  It it really what cycling is all about.  At least competitive cycling.  Any argument (as I've discussed in the past) to this rule can actually be answered with the rule itself.

It's a beautiful thing.

Example:

"It's too hot to ride"

"#5"

"Oh yeah, don't come crying to me when you die of heat stroke."

"#5"

"Don't say I didn't warn you!"

"I won't - because harden the fuck up."


9) If you're out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.

I like this one because it gets me out there on many rough days.  No matter what happens on the ride, I am a badass. The rules say so.

10) It never gets easier, you just go faster.

This is the famous old Greg LeMond quote.  A great view of what cycling is all about.  Once the rides you are doing get easier, It's time to join harder rides.  As soon as you start winning in this sport, you are forced to the next level.

14) Shorts should be black.

This is the only not gross color for shorts.  That's why it is a rule to follow.

33) Shave your guns.

I was a real late comer to this rule. It was in my most goofy stage of following the rules that I finally shaved my legs.  I never looked back.  There are all kinds of excuses and reasons to do or not do this. The truth is that silky smooth legs are way faster than hairy ones.  I didn't used to believe it until I realized how many hairy Ferraris there are out there (zero).

70) The purpose of competing is to win.

The first time I ever won a race on a road bike was this year.  It was out of town so I didn't know anybody. There were around 38 people in the race. Several teams of 5 or more.

I was sitting at a picnic table after the race listening to all of the chatter. Most of the guys talking were from the area and knew each other.

I heard things like this:

"How'd it go?"

"Not bad, I just didn't ..."

or

"I was happy with it.  This was more of a training ..."

or

"I took that final corner a little wide ..."

These are all the sorts of things I say after races.  But on the day I won, I was just listening. Then someone asked me, "How'd it go."

"I won."

For the first time, I understood why rule 70 was important. It saves so much time answering that question.

What's that?  The girl I was talking about earlier? The rules girl? Oh that's my wife Jill.  We'll be having our 17 wedding anniversary next month or something.  Rules be damned!