Thursday, June 26, 2014

Hop on the G.R.O.N.K.-A-Vator

By Mark Savery.  But not that Mark Savery.  A completely different one.

Hello there.  If you're like me (don't worry.  you're not), you are busy trying to figure out what to do with yourself until September.  Since God is cruel, every year we have to suffer through 3 completely worthless seasons waiting for the only one that matters.  Of course I'm talking about Cross season.

But don't just sit there on your duff waiting for cross season.  It's high time to take your training for the "off" season to the next level.  That's why I developed G.R.O.N.K.  a complete world class training program to ensure that the next time you drink a beer while you're racing, you are in tip top form.

Summarizing my patented FB status, the G.R.O.N.K. system has EVERYTHING you need to become almost as good as me this fall.

G. - Turn on the Gas.
R. - Road?  Get Off it.
O. - Off.  I said off the road, bitch.
N. - Watch "The Notebook"
K. - Core is the Key

In just a minute,  I'm going to explain exactly what the 5 (4 actually, well 3 and a movie) steps are and how they will bring you to max cross fitness.  But first I have another question for you.  Do you hate when the Tour De France is on because it means you only have about 9 weeks of training left before the start of off-season racing?  Well not this year!  This July, while hundreds of gallons of synthetic blood is making its way up the Alps and Pyrenees, You'll be G.R.O.N.K-ing*!

If you're ready, let's start.

G. Turn on the Gas.  I can't overstate this.  By turn on the gas, I don't mean literally.  I mean go for some hard rides and stuff.  The beauty of my program is in its flexibility.  To turn on the gas, you can go for a group ride, do a crit or even a mtn bike race.  I don't really care.

R. (and O.)  Off season Cross racing involves a combination of riding on the pavement, through the grass and even running like an idiot carrying your stupid bike.  Damn.  Running.  I should have made 'Running' the 'R' one.  That makes a lot more sense than repeating the "Off road" thing.  Oh well - anyway - when you ride off road, you will gain the valuable experience of a bumpy ride, if you know what I mean, ladies.  Wink wink.

N. We will come back to 'N'

K.  Core is key.  Actually this one doesn't matter at all.  But you don't sell books telling people to go around "Gron-ing"

Ok, back to 'N' - watch 'The Notebook'.  I love this movie.  Cry my eyes out every Saturday Night.  I have  a big box of rainbow themed tissues right next to the davenport for just this movie.  But how does that relate to Cross Racing?  The harder you sob, the more you'll develop the core muscles.  The constant abdominal spasms of emotion you suffer will be well worth it when you toe it this September.  Plus - Ryan Gosling?  More like Ryan Rawrr!

So that's really all there is to it.  Follow these few simple tips and I'll see you after the Vuelta!  Well, until the starting gun goes off, that is.  Then you'll see me for a while ...


* G.R.O.N.K.ing is not to be confused with the failed internet fad known as 'Gronking'.

2 comments:

brady said...

Thanks for the handy VLA (five letter acronym). With Mark's version I got lost after hitting the gas. Whew, that's easy now.

Do you have an e-reader version of the Notebook you can lend me? Movies, even with Ryan Gosling, don't do it for me. I suffer from Emotional Deprivation Disorder (EDD) and find that I can only have a good cry when I'm reading. That's why I like reading the OWH Bridge column. I weep inconsolably.

Flintstone R Cube said...

Hmm. eReader version, eh? I do not. However, since I have consumed more tear-soaked Häagen-Dazs while watching "The Notebook" than all the Hallmark Specials combined, I could probably write down the whole thing from memory. For me it doesn't get any better than Omar Sharif's Bridge Column. Sniff.