Thursday, May 15, 2014

If you have to go to Kentucky, you're lost already.

Earlier this week, somewhere on Facebook or something, somebody posted a guide for commuting via bike to work.  The reason - this week or month or day is international or national or regional ride your squeaky-ass bike to work day or week or month or something.

It's hard to keep track of all of them.  In April, there was this "30 days of riding."  I only know about it because I saw several photos on the FB of people's bikes out in the weather.  These people were taking the 30 day challenge.  They'd post the photo of their bike with some comment like "Hey - I only got out for 0.27 miles because of all the wind/snow/rain, but it counts.

No, it doesn't count.  Well yeah, I mean technically, you did "ride" your "bike."  But the only reason you rode it is because you were bound by some arbitrary invention of FB to ride every day in April.

So what?

Now, this Month/Week/Day comes along and it is ride your bike to work Month/Week/Day.

Before, I continue, I'd like to say I think it's great that people are out there doing stuff to encourage the community to ride more and blah blah fuckity blah.  Yeah - I don't really give a shit if you ride or not.

I'm not saying I don't care about you, I'm just saying I don't care if you ride your bike or not.  Also - I don't care about you.

Unless there's some way to know that you were the asshole yesterday who "buzzed the tower."  That's what I call it when a Big SUV decides to go by a cyclist at around 50 MPH leaving roughly 6 inches of clearance.  This happens often.  I am rarely riding in a situation where the traffic doesn't have all kinds of room.  But these a-holes feel the need to either scare me or teach me a lesson or something.

Well congrats, a-holes.  It does scare me.  I will not be taught any lesson by a dipshit though so you're on your own there, I'm afraid.

But if you ever decide to heave your ample shanks over a top tube and go for a spin, I'd be delighted to ride with you and talk about whatever topic you desire.  Just make sure you let me know that the day before, you put me in mortal danger with your ridiculous antics.  We'll laugh and laugh about it, for sure.

I agree that the more people ride, the more it benefits me.  So that's cool.  But I didn't come here to wish and hope for a brighter bicycling future, a healthy community and a greener planet.  I came here to bitch for no reason other than it is about the easiest way to spill words onto a page.

The benefits of commuting by bike:
1) There is the fuel/money saving thing.
2) Exercise.

Did I miss any?  I don't think so.  I think that's about it.  

I will say that the experience of commuting on a peaceful route beats the crap out of any car commute where there's lots of traffic involved.  My morning drive takes me south, down 72nd street for several miles.  It's all aggressive, stupid dangerous driving.  Very stressful.

When I bike commute, it's mostly on the trail, and it's a quiet, peaceful time.  Huge difference.  I'm always in a better mood when I arrive at work by bike.

Honestly though, there are a whole bunch of good reasons not to bike commute.  They are sprinkled in with the guide I mentioned earlier and am going to skim over here in a minute.

Whatever "peacefulness" I get, the truth is I only commute by bike for one of the 2 reasons I listed above.  Exercise.  Integrating riding with my commute saves me a little time. That's why I commute when I don't have a big group ride or the weather is not wet.  I already have all the bike stuff.  I know what I'm doing.  There is not that much difference between getting ready to go on a ride or bike commuting, so that time would be spent either way.

Some people are dedicated commuters.  They ride in the rain.  They ride in the snow and ice.  These situations generally go against my reason for commuting.  Exercise.  On those days, I can get on the rollers for an hour.  Not too fun, but it suits me better.

So in the winter I can usually get in 1 or 2 commutes a week.  In the spring/summer/fall anywhere from 3 to 5, depending on what life/weather is doing.

I rode in on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.  I had reasons for not riding today or Monday.  Monday, it rained.  When I ride in the rain, I end up spending more time cleaning the bike, particularly the rims and brake pads, for too long to get the time saving benefit of integrating my commute with my daily exercise.

On Tuesday, a girl that works with me at the company came up to my cube to tell me that Friday was ride your bike to work day.  I thought this was interesting because I didn't know there was a specific day.  I had only heard that this was ride your bike to work week and maybe it is ride your bike to work month.

I asked her if she was going to ride her bike to work.  She said no but that she wanted me to know so I could make sure to ride my bike to work on Friday.

I thanked her for the information.  I'm sure she will ask me on Friday if I rode my bike in and she will whine a little bit if I don't.  I'm pretty sure she will be let down if I don't ride my bike to work on Friday after she already told me that Friday was the designated day and I often ride in on unsanctioned days.

If I ride in tomorrow, she'll get some sort of credit for it.  It might be as simple as being able to have a nice Friday night dinner with friends and family.  "Pass the beans and I know a guy who rode his bike to work today ..."

Gasps of amazement will be heard 'round the dinner table.  "Tell us more about this.  Tommy, go and get the others.  Aunt Janice has a story about a guy who rode his bike to work on ride your bike to work day."

But it looks like I took tomorrow off to prepare for a huge party we're having at 4PM Saturday.  Come on over.  It'll be a blast.  Seriously.  It's my daughter's graduation from college party.  What?  You didn't know that's a thing?  Well it is, so get your ass over here and enjoy some pulled pork.

Anyway - the bike commute guide I've been mentioning is here:
http://www.louisvilleky.gov/BikeLouisville/commuting_excuses.htm

This is a link to the FB post I read earlier this week.  I couldn't find the original FB post, so I went searching "Goggle" [sic] for it and found it had been lifted from Louisville Kentucky dot gov.

It is intended as an answer to the many excuses people have for not commuting by bike.  Unfortunately, the excuses are better than the answers.  I don't want to go through the whole thing, but I'll list a few examples (with my bulleted comments added in red) from the guide.  Notably, every objection can be better answered with a careful application of the 'V'.  For Munson:  "The V" = "Harden the Fuck Up":

I ’m out of shape
  • Ride at an easy pace; in a few months you will be in great shape.
  • No - you will not be in great shape from a few months of easy riding.  That is known as a Kentucky lie.
It takes too long
  • The average commuter travels at 10 mph; the more you ride, the faster you will become.
  • Trips of less than three miles will be quicker by bike.
  • So let's see.  You live 2.5 miles from work and it takes you more than 15 Minutes to drive there.  This statement is known in Kentucky as a lie.  
It’s too far
  • Try riding to work and taking mass transit home, then alternating the next day.
  • Combine riding and mass transit to shorten your commute.
  • Ride to a coworker’s house and carpool to work.
  • Hey Bob - I'm getting into shape during ride your bike to work week.  Will you please give my sweaty ass a ride to work?  I'll just leave my bike here.
It’s raining
  • Fenders for your bike and raingear for your body will keep you dry.
  • If you are at work, take transit or carpool to get home; ride home the next day.
  • Take transit or drive if you don’t have the gear to ride comfortably in the rain.
  • I love the third one:  "We don't know.  Just fucking drive or something if it's raining."  This is exactly not answering an excuse.
The roads aren’t safe
  • Obey traffic signs, ride on the right, signal turns, and stop at lights.
  • Wear bright clothing.
  • You are at no greater risk than driving a car.
  • And by "no greater risk"  we mean to say, It's "opposite day" in Kentucky.
One final thought on all of this.  Honestly, I don't take the time to analyze why I love to ride so much.  When it comes down to it, I guess it's all the prize money I get.

Last March, I came in second place in a race.  I think it cost $25 to enter the race.  I probably spent many thousand dollars (directly and indirectly) to get to the fitness and the gear I needed for the race.  A couple of days ago, this arrived in the mail.  It only took it about 7 weeks to get here, but now I know what it's all for:


I have to get paid, as the kids used to say.


Finally - if you want the real answers to the Kentucky's bike commuter excuse list, here they are...
I ’m out of shape
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
It takes too long
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
It’s too far
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
No bike parking
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
My bike is beat up
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
No showers
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
I have to dress up
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
It’s raining
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
The roads aren’t safe
  • Harden The Fuck Up.
I have to run errands
  • Harden The Fuck Up.

5 comments:

Dan Kuhns said...

Harden the fuck up

munsoned said...

True story; I drove today, on bike to work day. Eh. I was running late and I need to fill the car up with gas later. I ride almost every other day to work, so I don't feel bad about missing some sort of arbitrarily designated day.

RD said...

Don't tell me that to do Fred

Travis said...

HTFU!!

brady said...

It's all about the V. Thanks for a fun read