So my Dad walked into a bar one time.
He walks up to the bartender, see, and the bartender, he says, “What’ll
ya have, mister”. So my dad, right? He says to the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
Now this is where things get weird because my dad was just referencing
an old joke he’d once heard. He didn’t
really want any grapes. He was going to
get around to ordering a beer in a minute.
He wasn’t going to order a “Movie beer.” He was going to order a “Miller High
Life.” His beer of choice. It was after all, “The Champagne of
Beers.” A movie beer is just known as “a
beer”. If you’re in a movie, and you say
“Just give me a beer,” the bartender will set a glass of beer in front of
you. Movie bartenders are good that
way. They don’t need to know a specific
brand.
Anyway, what my dad couldn’t possibly have known was that the old joke
he heard about the duck, the bartender and the grapes - Well, it was based on a
true story. It wasn’t an actual Duck, it
was an employee of the Disneyworld Amusement Park. The Bartender had run a little place outside
of Orlando for many years. It was a
favorite hangout of most of the Characters from Disneyworld. A place they could blow off a little
steam.
The actual story had started when Donald Duck (Dave) was giving Mickey
Mouse (Peter) a bunch of crap about drinking his girly wine all the time. The Duck wanted The Mouse to either drink a
manly liquor drink, or in the very least, switch over to beer.
The Duck told The Mouse it was embarrassing when they were playing
pool to see the long stem glass resting on the edge of the table. Mickey countered with the fact that in Duck
Costume, the way Dave’s tail feathers pointed up while he was taking a shot was
far more ridiculous looking than a glass of wine.
Finally, the Duck offered to make some wine for the mouse since he
loved it so damn much. “I mean, look at
these huge webbed feet. This’ll be the
best effin’ wine you’ve ever had, Peter.
Hang on, let me see if the Bartender has any grapes …”
At that moment, they all had a good laugh and everything was alright
between all the Disneyworld employees.
It was this camaraderie that helped propel Disneyworld to the world class
amusement park status it now enjoys.
In fact, it became a running joke at the bar in Orlando. Every night, the crew would walk in and play
out the same old tired joke on the bartender.
Every night the off the clock Disney characters would laugh and laugh at
the exasperated bartender.
Then came the threats. Well,
let me back up. See, the bartender,
Joey, had a little bit of a problem with his temper. He always had. He would have said about himself that he was
really a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky kind of a guy. He believed his true nature was one of
tolerance and acceptance. He figured the
reason he had such a short fuse had less to do with some innate flaw and more
to do with his upbringing.
Once, when he was about 7 years old, Joey had heard his dad say that
he was sick of the shabby old house they all lived in. He said that everything in his life was so
joyless and dull. Even though the boy
was routinely ignored by his father, Joey thought the world of his dad. Dad was his hero. The greatest man in the world.
In reality, the father was only concerned with his own needs/desires. He’d work his 40 or 50 hours and felt that
was enough. He didn’t need to spend time
with his kid. In his mind, providing
financially was where his responsibility ended. The boy longed to please his dad. To be noticed by his dad. To play “catch” with his dad, but it would
never happen. His dad, who had worked
hard all day, had nothing left for his son once he got home. If he ever did anything, it was go to the bar
or the game or the track. But never with
little Joey. Sniff.
That never stopped Joey from wanting to please the old man. So one Saturday, while his father was “out
with the fellas,” Joey decided to do something for his father. Actually, he had planned this out for
weeks. He had saved enough money to do
the greatest thing in the world. Now he had all he needed for the big surprise. He could hardly sleep the night before. Joey understood that his father’s dream of
living in a nice new colorful place would not be realized anytime soon, if
ever. But Joey could at least add some
color right here and now. He had gone to
an art store and bought some of the brightest tubes of paint he could find.
While he was hurriedly squeezing the last of the hot pink tube onto
the dining room wall, he was experiencing his greatest joy in all of his 7
years. This was a completely new feeling
to him. He had never committed an act of
complete altruism, so the sensation was overwhelming. Dad will be so happy with the new color in
his life …
Wailing and beaten, a few minutes later in his room, Joey came to a
conclusion that would alter the course of his life dramatically. Faced at the young age with the realization
of how such feelings of joy can, if ill-received, immediately turn to soul
crushing pain. He reasoned that it was
better to never risk the pain. He would
never do anything for anyone ever again.
Down in the living room, Joey's father sat shaking his head at the mess
his son had made of the already crummy house.
What had his son told him through the tears? He was doing it for his dad? He wanted to make him happy? Then he looked at the destroyed walls and saw
them from the point of view of a 7 year old.
It was now dad’s turn to cry. The
defeat he had learned at a young age came rushing back to him. His own desire to please his father, and on
it went …
As Joey’s father walked into Joey’s room, he detected the slight
recoil of his little boy, afraid there would be more yelling. But then Joey looked at his father and saw
for the first time, a man. Not a
superhero. A man who was hurt. His father was crying. “Son.
I understand what you did and why.
I am a fool to have not seen it.
You are a wonderful son and I am so proud of you. Proud and sorry I couldn’t see it at first. Thank you for what you did for me. But yeah – we still have to clean it up.”
Joey was relieved by his father’s admission, but he was sticking by
his earlier vow. He would never again
set himself up for that kind of pain. He
and his father embraced for the last time Joey could remember. Joey’s world was now different. With the revelation that his father was
fallible, Joey was more frightened than ever before.
Yeah - As a matter of fact I do have some
grapes - reaching under the counter, Joey sat a bowl of grapes in front of my
dad. My dad, though surprised, didn't want any grapes. He continued
with his joke, "You expecting a duck or something?"
At this, Joey turned white as a ghost and stepped backwards,
slamming into the liquor bottles on the shelves behind him. He could feel
a cold sweat forming under his shirt, "How do you ..."
See, Joey didn't realize that a joke had been made of his time
in Orlando, and certainly that it was such a popular joke that it had traveled
farther away from Orlando than he had. He had become so distraught over
the situation at his place in Orlando, he had left everything, including his
wife and young son, behind. He wanted to start over somewhere new where
nobody knew him. He always said he left Florida so he no longer had to
suffer from the Sour grapes his father had eaten.
"Who are you?" Joey asked my dad, still confused.
My dad answered, "What do you mean? Just get me a
Miller High Life please."
"I thought you wanted grapes," Joey said to my dad,
pointing at the bowl on the bar.
"Oh yeah, thanks," said my dad, grabbing a handful and
shoving them in his mouth. After a couple of chews, he spit the grapes violently
from his mouth. There was something wrong. He was getting dizzy.
His friends didn't know it, but Joey had poisoned the grapes. They
laughed hysterically at my dad as he stumbled out the door into the light.
My dad lived, but he never completely recovered from that
incident. I believe that's why my teeth are set on edge.
Hang on. Abe wants to show me some art work he's created
in the toy room ...
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