You kids and your newfangled ...

For quite some time, I have had a suspicion that old people are "pulling a fast one".  That's old people speak for some sort of confidence scheme.  Which unfortunately is also old people speak for a sham.  Dadgummit, I seem unable to define old people terms using the parlance of modern America. See?

Ok, anyway, I often considered it possible that a typical old person's day consists of little more than dreaming up new ways of perpetrating a healthy dose of somewhat harmless skullduggery on  the young and innocent youth of today.

There’s no way people were that different 50 years ago.  That's just what they want you to believe.  And the made up crazy words they say?  I’m not buying it.

Ever since I was a little kid, we used to pretend to be old people like this:

"You little whipper snappers get off my lawn!"

I don't know what a whipper snapper is.  I guess it might be a person who snaps a whipper, but I don't know what a whipper is.  Perhaps it's someone who whips.

But no matter what it is, one thing's for certain. It doesn't make any sense.

Also, we never heard any old people say it.  We heard it from people impersonating old people.  My point is, I believe old people say the goofy shit they say because they can get away with it. We don't know any better.  How are we going to verify or disprove something an old person says about the past.  We'd have to ask another old person.   Who will most likely be in on the universal prank and expand the tale even farther from reality.

Once, my Grandma told me that during the depression, my grandfather found work cutting lawns with a pair of scissors.  Years later, when I asked her about that, she said something about how I must have misunderstood her.   Yeah right.

What I'm about to reveal is 100% true.  The only part I can't work out is how such a hilarious secret was kept for so long.  To some, this information may be a shock.  To most however, I think it will make everything old people do suddenly make sense. I have learned (and have the physical proof to back it up) that old people?  Yeah, they're just fuckin' with you (JFWY).

Rifling through today's mail I found a large packet of material.  There was no return address.  I opened it to find a huge information packet and the cover letter above.  There are literally dozens of ideas on little things you can do just because you're old, and completely get away with.

An excerpt from "Welcome Old Fart, a love story":

One of the few advantages of aging is that you can typically say whatever you feel like and people just blame it on your age.  If you are younger, you can’t get away with that.  You have to understand all the current sensitivities.  You are evolved.  Not like old people.  They were born before humans understood right and not-right (young people understand there is no ‘wrong’).

  

Since young people don’t know what was acceptable speech in the old days, you can make up any old  offensive stuff and attribute it to a ‘simpler time’.  Our group has been getting away with this for centuries.  So you can call somebody a ‘Bum’, The olde fashioned name for “The Homeless”,  just as naturally as you might call someone ‘racial slur here’.   and then innocently protest, explaining that when you were a kid, everybody, including those dirty [redacted], called those dirty [redacted] those dirty[redacted].  Of course, this is ridiculous, but young people believe it roughly 100% of the time.  

After looking through some of these materials, I realized I am ready.  I just need a little guidance to perfect my old person persona.  For example, whenever I'm asked the question "Paper or plastic,"  I'm thinking "Do you really think I give a shit?,"  So I kindly say, "Plastic please."  What I should do is say an old person thing like:  "I wish you kids would make up your mind," As the young grocery cashier people ponder what the hell I'm getting at, I should then forge ahead with, "First we had paper, but we were killing all the trees.  So we got plastic and started killing all the fish.  Now you make us decide weather we want to kill fish or trees or buy reusable canvas bags for our groceries.  Well no sir.  I don't like it.  I'm off to 'Bag and Save', where they don't ask me judgmental questions.  Harumph!"

"Harumph,"  by the way is a signal to other members of the "old people" to shout "Huzzah!"  There are a ton of rules to this thing, but I'm actually looking forward to it.