Thursday, September 10, 2009

Another fun look at slang!

I’ve spoken in the past of “I know, right”. A relative newcomer that showed great promise early on. I’m glad too. I think it’s cute. I like hearing it, right? So anyways, now that we have this great new thing to say to people after every statement uttered in any conversation, there are a few I’d like to see move on. Some phrases are a lot like Brett Favre. They end up signing with the Vikings. I mean, they just don't know when to quit. Hey! Maybe that could be a new slang phrase. Example:

"Did you see that Shim is racing again this year!"
"Yeah, what a Vikings signer!"

Below are my suggestion for phrases ready to be removed from our lexicon. My criteria is simple. I'm sick of them:

The first one that really really really bugs me is the sarcastic form of “Really”
As in the Saturday Night Live News thing:
Really. Blagojevich? Your head of hair is really prominent and you try to sell Obama’s seat? Really.
Or whatever. It’s done. Let it go. Please. I would have no objections to letting “let it go” go, either.

The second one is “It’s all good.” Thankfully, as soon as people got tired of Paul Hogan and well, Australians in general we stopped saying “No worries” . Why not come up with another clever way to say “I forgive you?” How about “The recent events have in no way altered the current situation which remains indistinguishable from what will certainly be commonplace behind heaven’s pearly gates.” I mean, that’s just off the top of my head. I’ll have to concise it up a little, but you get the idea.

And the third one I’m really sick of: “Crazy”, meaning “very”. Munson uses or used this one a lot. Now Denis Leary is using it in a Ford Truck commercial. A sure sign that if it was ever cool, it is not now. I think Mr. Leary is talking about the Ford Truck engineers as being “Crazy Smart”. “Crazy” is the bastard stepdaughter of the eighties gem, “Way”. I actually think Munson used to say this, too. It lasted longer because it made more sense. I never liked it though. I always thought of it as a California thing because that’s where I was when I first heard it. In fact, I moved back to Nebraska solely because I was afraid that if I stayed in California I’d have to walk around appraising everything as “Way cool.” My fear was that some day it would be the way I really talked. I’d rather shovel snow than talk like that. And it gets Crazy cold in the winter around here.

An interesting question is that if “very” was replaced by “way” which was replaced by “crazy”, what’s next? I’ll tell you, because I already know. My kids say it all the time and kids are our future. The word is “Poop”. My kids love this word. So if you don’t want to get left in the dust, start saying it immediately. Example: Dude, Where’d you get those poop cool pants? I’m poop envious of you.

Strangely, there are some tired old phrases that I’m not sick of yet. “It’s all good” has a cute little brother called “That’s what I’m talking about”. I don’t know why, but I find this way less annoying than “It’s all good”. It might be that it is actually a somewhat complete sentence. Although, if we wanted to obfuscate that puppy up, we could. “That’s my topic” would be nice. Upon seeing your favorite athlete accomplish something spectacular, “That’s my topic!” Then offer a high five to any takers.
Or simply “My Top” It would be every bit as nonsensical as “My Bad” used to be, but way more current since I just made it up just now.

Speaking of which, “My Bad” has been gone for a long time, but few realize it. How do I know? Gee, let me tell you a story …

One beautiful Saturday Morning, I took the boys (ages 4 and 6) to Panera. It’s one place we can all agree on. Usually we get into the car, and I say, where do you boys want to eat. Jack (6) says, that place that Grandma likes. He means Panera. We saw her there once.

Abe always gets a big cinnamon roll. Jack gets a breakfast sandwich. While we’re in line, Abe enjoys running into people, smearing his grimy hands on things, and breaking stuff. Good boy. On this particular morning, he accidentally rammed into the little old lady in front of us. She turned to him, glaring with an evil eye. She did not look at me. She wanted to hit him. She wanted me to correct or scold Abe in some way. Normally, I would if the victim seemed cool. But she was a grumpy old bitch in line at Panera. Fuck her. Ooh. I’m getting fired up talking about people giving my kids a dirty look even though they totally deserve it.

So where was I? Oh yeah. “My Bad” is long gone. So shawl wearing old crab lady is ordering and there is some sort of mix up. The cashier is a fine young customer service representative for the Panera Franchise, so she patiently explains the issue to the little old lady, who upon realizing her error, says “My Bad.”

Now my first thought is, “Gee that seems out of place for this old woman to say that.” Ohhh, I get it. The girl behind the counter is black. It all makes sense now. You said “My bad” to enhance your “street cred”. You think that’s what black people say. While I’m enjoying this deepening dislike for the old lady, the cashier says, “Wow, I haven’t heard that phrase in a long time.”

Oh my god. That was awesome. She said it in a way that was missed by the old woman.

I don’t feel comfortable with affectations. So, even though the cashier was an African American, I was able order normally, in God’s English with no mishaps. The transcript of this process follows. I call it “How to order at Panera and not make a complete fool out of yourself, version 1”:

Yo, yo, yo It is vitally important for me to get some breakfus up in here. Check it. My man Abe will bust a grub on that cin-o-min roll. And little J to the A.C.K. will enjoy a delicious breakfast sandwich with the bacon option. That’s my topic!

Me? I’ll jus pop a 40 of coffee and lemme grab a shim of that Bagel. That would be extraordinarily fly.

How much!?! Damn girl! You take debit cards? Oh shit, I forgot my Personal Identification Nizzle. You take checks? Dyn-o-mite!

Now how hard is that?


brady said...

When your (two) readers finish reading this blog, chances are one of them will have said, "It is what it is."

Good God I hate that one.

Of course it is, you stupid parrot.

Oh, please excuse me, I forgot. Self-affirming statements make you appear more intelligent, right?

In the age of Relativism, nothing can be called what it is. Instead, we should strive to speak, write and to even think in vague generalities.

For this reason, I think (never say aloud) in its double-negation, as in: "it isn't what it isn't".

But even more, the existentialist would argue that everything we experience is already in the past, for by the time our myopic brains record what our eyes have sensed -- as when your neighbor shouts, "I SEEN IT!! IT IS WHAT IT IS!! -- it has already happened.

Thus, even better than above, one should think in doubly-negated past terms, as in: "it wasn't what it wasn't."

But if I'm feeling really obtuse, then I turn directly to my all time personal favorite, the "Future in the Past" tense. The beauty of this tense is that it encapsulates the best of both worlds: the future wrapped in the reality of the past.

Hence, I present the best of all, the double negative, future in the past version: "it wasn't what it wasn't going to be".

Indeed, if your goal is to be that trend-setting arrogant sonofabitch everybody at the office hates, go ahead and unload that one during your next staff meeting.

Just watch out for that bullet-dodging, back-stabbing fledgling of an erudite colleague sitting next to you that just might quip in a nasally tone, "It is what it is wasn't what it wasn't going to be"

I suddenly have the urge to throw up.

dan said...

that was way cool!!

fredcube said...

Background: Dan stayed in California. That's why he talks that way.

One of my readers will have said "it is what it is" and the other will have said "Again, what the hell is Brady talking about?"

Not only was I sure before I read your comment that I'd soon understand, but it came to pass that I found myself completely agreeing. Many people go to Califormia to find themselves. Upon full understanding, your comment will have made me think I might have had a better future for the last 25 years had I swallowed my pride and stayed in California. Life would have turned out to be crazy (poop) simpler, ever after.

Shim said...

What the hell is Brady talking about? Damn bitch, that's some weak ass blogging.

fredcube said...

Well shim, it is what it is.

BlogDaCzech said...

Well, Mr Slang Guy, maybe you can 'splain me this.

Being a child of the mid-sixties when I got to Junior High, Nebraska had this great new running back named Isiah Moses Walter Hipp (or simply I. M. Hipp). At about the same time my non-Caucasian friends began to respond to everything I said by saying "I-ang-'ip". I was taken back because I could never tell if they were slurring together 'I am hip to that my Caucasian friend' or 'I ain't (am not) hip to that my Caucasian friend' or if they were not even thinking about what I was saying at all, and they were just HUGE Nebraska Cornhusker (current slangilizationismized as 'Husker') fans that were pumped (excited) about our new hard to knock over running back.

So my question for you is, was it Indiana or Illinois that we played when I first saw I.M.Hipp break the all time Cornhusker rushing record?


fredcube said...

Ooh Czech!

Although I'm not sure of the reason for your quiz, I almost fell for it. I just about said the first thing that came to my mind, when realized the trick. The correct answer is "It doesn't matter because Nebraska did not win a national championship while I.M. Hipp was there."

Biker Bob said...

I can dig it crazy cats.

I'm rather fond of saying "Bradyed" instead of "Bonked". It's more NOW and edgy, yet insulting at the same time.

Examples... "Shim! Slow down or you may Brady yourself?" or "I almost Bradyed on that last hill" or "Wow, I just pulled a Brady trying to catch Munson!"

BlogDaCzech said...

Mayor McCheese,

In pointing out 'it doesn't matter', you have spoken very wisely. Someone once told me I have wisdom beyond my ears. I still don't get that one.

So, are you down with the DC Talk?

Love and prayers,
Mr. Middleton Period. (aka Hey, you!)

fredcube said...

Q: Why does Munson always show up late for group rides?

A: He wants everyone to know what it feels like when he has to wait for us during the ride.

BDC: Oh, I get it. BDC. I like it. No. I dislike DC Talk immensely. I was looking for a photo of some french rappers, but settled on bad rappers. I guess 311 would or Beastie Boys would have worked. You know me. I'll always be a Keith Green/Rich Mullins fan when it comes to Christian Music. I guess DC Talk isn't dead enough for me.

CAROL said...

Hey, son! whatzup?
SOME old ladies could pull it off, but they are the ones with pancake syrup and snot smeared on their pants because they actually like kids......who could stay mad at ABE?

can I just add, take "LIKE" out from between every couple of words in a sentence, and I could tolerate all the rest. TOTALLY! WHATEVER!

brady said...

Hi Carol, come join us on a group ride some time. As you know, Fred rarely does that sort of thing anymore and you're way funnier than he ever was.


CAROL said...

It happened to me yesterday! I was in the shoe store. There were two other old women: if not my age, close to it. The very nice young black man was a good salesman, friendly, likable, but not pushy.

The shoes were buy one, get one half price. The other two women were each going to buy one pair of shoes, so in a nice way, he said "So you are buying your friend a pair of shoes today?" The first one got it, the 2nd one didn't. When she realized what what going on she said, "Thank you! I am so embarrassed."  (not yet. wait for it.) It was then I heard her say, "You da man."
I froze and looked at them. Yup. old. NOW WE ARE ALL EMBARRASSED~on behalf of OWE (old women everywhere)

fredcube said...

Brady's right, Mom. You are funnier than I. Apologies for no posts in a while. I have a couple that haven't been working out too well. The next one will be a repeat, which I'll post before Monday, hopefully.

CAROL said...

It happened AGAIN yesterday

ONE WHAT?!? Maybe I want 2 good ones or maybe I have other plans.