Summer Evening

This is another early memory in a voice similar to this one.

The boy knew God.  He knew him well.  He used to talk to him all the time.  There was never any fear.  There was always awe and reverence.  He was taught to say his prayers each night before he went to bed.

He would kneel down with his mother watching as he clasped his hands, closed his eyes, and began,

“Now I lay me down to sleep”

He would say for his mother’s benefit.  In his mind he was slightly embarrassed.  He knew God was listening, and that he and God would start talking for real in a few minutes.  But this was for his mother.  Not God.

“I pray the lord my soul to keep.”

Then he clearly heard in his mind the voice of God, who sounded a lot like his dad, assuring him that yes, he’d keep his soul

“If I should die before I wake …”

In his head, he was saying to God, I don’t want this part about the dying in my sleep.  I mean, yeah – if I do die, by all means, take my soul – but what I’m saying is I don’t want to die.  I only mention it because That’s how mom says you go to heaven.

“I pray the lord my soul to take.  Amen.”

Next he would climb into bed and get a kiss from mom.  She’d turn out the light and the real prayers would begin.

The bed was warm.  The footie pajamas were comfortable.  The cowlick on the front right side of the boy’s head was in full bloom.  Every night, the boy would take his index finger and feel the way the cowlick stuck out.  He’d twirl the hair round and round asking the real god question after question.

The boy loved God for a while.  God was always patient and loving to the boy.  He always helped the boy work through things he didn’t understand.

After a while, though.  The boy learned more about God.  He didn’t learn it from God.  He learned it from Church.  He learned about the things that were sins.  He found out that if you do any of those things, then you go to hell to live with the devil forever.  You don’t go to live with God. 

The boy examined his life, and realized to his horror that he had stolen and he had lied.  Both of these things were on the list. 

The only conclusion this boy could come to was that he was going to spend eternity in Hell.  He was 5 years old.

He didn’t want to talk to God anymore.  He knew that his parents and brother were going to go to heaven and he would be eternally separated from them in hell because he had taken an orange circus peanut candy from a grocery store while nobody was looking.  He had bitten his brother in the arm once, and when his brother screamed about it, saying the boy had bitten him, he had lied.  He said that he had bitten his brother but it was an accident. 

It was no accident.  Worse than the sin was the fact that his parents didn’t believe it was an accident anyway, so it was a completely pointless lie.

The boy still believed in God, but he didn't trust God anymore.  It was terrifying for the boy.  Fifty years later, the boy thought, "You know - maybe don't try to scare kids into behaving with the threat of eternal damnation."

But what does the boy know?