The Dance of the Seven Veils

I still have a vague necessity (I must be necessarily vague).


I had a mental breakthrough today.  Or perhaps it was just a psychotic break. I've been struggling with some difficult issues for about the last 3 months or so.

When I was discussing some of the details with a good friend, he said something like, "I'm glad I don't draw any self-worth from that source."

At the time, I knew that was wise, but I didn't know how to accomplish it.

The breakthrough has been arranging itself in my head since about Sunday afternoon.  Coincidentally, I had to return to work after a long holiday break on Monday.

Anyway, I may have veered off course.

I just finished a blog entry that I decided not to post yet.  It is something about how fucking stupid Fat Bikes are.  After I read it, I realized that it doesn't matter how stupid they are.  What matters is that I've barely scratched the surface on their stupidity because I like bikes in general.  So even though I can't stand the sight of those things filling up teh Facebooks, I would ride one in a second if it was my only option.

So I'll shelve that post for a while, leaving the problem of what to talk about next.

The mental breakthrough.  Obviously I did not want this terrifically painful series of events to happen to me.  For me it was the toughest thing I've gone through in a very long time.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone except Fat Bike riders.  They seem to enjoy unnecessary struggle.

But in the end, I've grown from it.  Aging mentally is an ongoing process for me.  Many years ago, I heard someone say that wisdom does not just automatically happen with age.  There are plenty of old fools.  I try to learn from mistakes.  I try to evaluate my beliefs often and adjust as needed.

I put too much value on the approval of others.  I know this.  I don't want it to be the case.  I don't think this is completely a bad thing.  Disapproval can alert you to some action that is potentially dangerous to yourself or somebody else.  But if you stop doing something you enjoy simply because other people think you look goofy, you're only missing out.  That kind of disapproval is harmful.

So keep riding those idiotic Fat Bikes if that's what makes you happy.

Today the words my friend spoke about 2 months ago finally became real to me.  I draw no identity from that area of my life or those people.  I will live on to do my thing no matter what they think of me.

For all I care, they can go ride a Fat Bike into a lake.  Surely, it can  be used as a flotation device anyway.

The point is that I realized it is important to consider what other people think of you and evaluate if you're engaging in destructive behavior.  If so, take heart. If not, fuck 'em.

Once when I was working at the Wendy's carry-out window, a pretty girl drove through and when I opened the window to take her money, she had her radio blasting to some ballad I'd never heard before.  She handed me the money as I stared at her in awe.  She was looking at me belting out the song with absolutely no shame.  She was not a great singer.  She just didn't care.  I was instantly in admiration.  How could she do that?  I never could.  I figured it out today (3 decades later).

I bet she's somewhere right now, singing at the top of her lungs, barrelling down some snowy trail on her brand new ...

If you work at a carry out window here in town, I hope you like Pearl Jam, because I'm gonna be singing that shit to you pretty soon.  Or maybe Creed*.

I would love to take possession of a Jimmy John's Beach Club "With arms wide open ..."

That would be hilarious.  Of course those guys are such hippies, they'd probably be totally into it. I'll let you know.

*This is a joke.  I know I said I don't care what people think, but listening to Creed is destructive behavior, so I thought I'd clarify.