No Fatties

A history lesson that is more opinion and incomplete information than fact (history is boring otherwise):

A few decades ago, pickup trucks were primarily functional.  I mean people bought them if they had a regular need to cart a bunch of stuff around.  Pickup trucks did not handle well.  They were not comfortable.  If you wanted comfort, you bought a Cadillac.

Then country music became popular.  I think it's because people started realizing that overt racism was becoming unfashionable.  A subtler approach was required.

Hello country music. 'Redneck' became a badge people wanted to wear.  Now millions of people who didn't need to cart anything anywhere wanted a pickup truck so they could wear cowboy hats and twang on about their troubles.  Also, they weren't going to drive some Buick down to the newly opened Honky Tonk Tavern.  It was wet t-shirt mechanical bull night for Jesus's sake.

But there was a problem.  Pickups were still a "bumpy" ride.

Finally, all the auto makers came to the rescue and made pickups all cushy and expensive.  It was win-win.  All people of every white race could listen to their music seated above all the inferior citizens in their "rice burners."

Yes - "All the rice in ... Japan".  My favorite saying.

Anyway ...

Another nice touch was that all of these big comfy pickups had American sounding names like "Dodge", "Ford", "Chevrolet", etc.  Actually, Chevrolet sounds french, doesn't it?

If I was involved in the Pickup Truck Calvin and Hobbes graphic pissing contest, I think one of my myriad back window stickers would point out the fact that Chevrolet sounds like some french entertainer.

Real men wear zee bow ties, no? - Maurice Chevalier

But there was one group that was not happy about the new popularity of pickup trucks.  Now that everybody was buying them, the compensators needed something bigger.

There are those who must be in the biggest thing ever.  They are called small people.

So - Monster Trucks. Then competitions between monster trucks in arenas.

You know what?  I started this post to talk about how annoying the constant barrage of Fat Bike pushers has gotten, but the monster truck thing is way stupider.

I'm usually annoyed when I get asked the same stupid cycling related question several times a day by somebody who doesn't really know/care about cycling.  Lately it's been "Do you have a Fat Bike?  You should get a Fat Bike.  Those thing are cool."

I just kind of smile and nod hoping the discussion will change course.

I have no reason to have a fat bike.  Also, they look stupid.  I see guys riding them on the keystone in the middle of summer.  There are Fat bike owners all over town waiting for a huge blizzard to justify riding that idiotic monstrosity around. Ok fine, but not for me.  I can sit out a day or two if I can't get around on my 29er.

To be fair, I probably thought 29ers were just as stupid a few years ago.  It takes me a while to come around.

But let me get back to the point.  I came here to bash Fat Bikes.  I cannot in good conscience do that now that I've realized how much I hate Monster Trucks.

Sorry.

One last note.  I was sitting here thinking I might actually post something tonight.  I was wondering what it might be.  I was staring at the Facebook.  I really hate the Facebook.  It is worse than television in idiotic addictive mindlessness.  Anyway, I saw something Scott Redd posted and was reminded of this very blog post.  The one you're reading now.  I wrote it a couple of weeks back but abandoned it to talk about singing to fast food workers at the carry out window.  I have a proud update on that, by the way.  I sang a portion of "Black" by Pearl Jam to the girl at the Chik fil-a drive thru window the other morning.

"I know some day you'll have a beautiful life - I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky ..."
I belted out to her look of dismay and a slight smile.  It wasn't for her I was singing.  It was for me.  I have stopped right in the middle of a great song before just to make some sort of cheeseburger transaction.

Don't get me wrong, I was only singing because I would have been singing otherwise.  I wasn't going to stop wailing to pay for a breakfast burrito.

On the other hand, I would not go out of my way to sing just because I'm at the drive thru.  It must be real.

But the reason I came back to post this one is that on the Facebook, I saw that Scott Redd posted that he bought a Fat bike.  Even though it's too late for Scott.  Maybe I can help others.

Also, I made a funny comment:

Don't be like Scott.  If you don't buy a fat bike in the first place, you won't have to put it on Mid West Velo Swap when they come out with Morbidly Obese Bikes.