I Got Nothing

To say "I've got nothing" just doesn't sound right.  I mean, it sounds right as far as English goes, but if you're saying "I give up,"  It feels more colloquially appropriate to say "I got nothing."

The first thing you might think when you see that title is "Oh crap, It's another one of these where he got nothing."  (See what I did there?)

But no.  I have something.  Its just that I have no good answer to what possible circumstances led to the fragment of conversation I heard Tuesday morning. I've been stewing over it for a couple of days and I still have no idea what situation could have logically led to the words I heard.

I will start with the conversation.

Underneath the Mutual, there's this network of tunnels. One of these tunnels goes on for about 2 city blocks and leads to The Dome.  

Tuesday morning, I was walking toward The Dome via this tunnel.  Walking toward me were a man and a woman dressed in custodial attire.  They were talking.

"So, she's charging full price for beer that's a year old," said the woman.

Since it was Tuesday morning, my knee jerk thought was "Mmm, beer."

"Yeah, I know.  And she has no problem with it," said the dude.

"Well I guess."

"Actually, she's getting paid twice for it."

And that was all I heard.

I got a little dizzy walking on to the dome.  I was trying to think of what was the most likely scenario where these words would make sense.  I was reminded of Lewis Black.  He once talked about this phenomena of overhearing something that you cannot reconcile without proper context.

Something to do with a horse and college.

Actually, I just listened to this.  It is much funnier than anything I could come up with, but what he talks about here is what I've been going through. I've been trying to figure out the meaning.  It's been stuck in my head since I heard it.

Admittedly, the horse/college thing makes even less sense than the full price/paid twice beer thing - but here's what I figure happened Tuesday morning before I came along ...

By the way, I'm making all the names and stuff up (except where I'm not).

Cast:

Scoot, A Custodian

Tabitha, A Custodian

Skudlarek's, A package liquor store

Lady Skudlarek, Sole proprietress of Skudlarek's, a liquor store

"Rough night Scoot?"

"You know it."

"Hey - you wanna help me get some dome cleaning supplies and stuff?  It's Tuesday."

"Ah shit Tabby, I got a real bangaroo.  I don't know if I can ..."

"C'mon buddy.  The exercise'll do you good."

"But it's clear down at the other end of the tunnel.  Plus it's like 6:30.  All those corporate S.O.B.s will be skipping their dumb lunchbox carrying asses  toward us.  We'll be like Salmon in a sea of assholes."

"You crack me up Scoot.  C'mon."

"Fine.  I gotta tell you about Bitch Skudlarek anyway."

"Uh Oh, what'd she do now."

"Ok, so I went in to grab a case of Natty, right?  Anyways, I'm standing in line to pay and she's giving some kids crap about how they ain't old enough for the discount price.  You know Lady S.  Always shaking down the minors.  I've seen it a million times."

"Yep."

"So, I'm standing there bored.  I'm waiting for these kids to get a clue.  Pay Lady Skudlarek enough, and she'll sell hooch to a baby.  Shit.  She oughta put a sign up.  A mission statement of sorts.  Anyways - while I'm waiting, I start reading the case of beer I'm holding like it's a box of cereal on Saturday morning.  That when I notice it's got a "Born On" date.

"On Natty Light?!?"

"That's what I thought.  But yeah.  Well not a "Born On" date, per se.  It says, and I quote, Best if enjoyed by March 1, 2014.

"Now I always buy my beer from there, so maybe it's always this old expired stuff and I never noticed.  But I figure since Lady Skudlarek makes most of her profit from underage alkies, she can cut me a deal on this old-ass beer."

"It's the least she could do for a loyal customer like you, Scoot."

"Right?"

"So what happened?"

"So I finally get up there and set the case down.  She says, 'Hey Scoot,'  that'll be $8.74"

"'Funny,'  I say, 'Seein's how this brew passed away a year ago.'  Then I pointed out the expire date. She said, 'So what Scooter, you want the beer or doncha?'"

"I think you could give me a break on the price.  I mean I know that once it's expired, the brewery pays you back for it."

Cube Note:  I think there might be some truth to this if it were bread.  I don't think it works with beer, though.  Even if it did, I bet the distributor would take the product back.  But what do I know?  Now, back to Scoot and Tabitha ...

"Hey, check out this douche with his lunchbox," Tabitha said, pointing me out.

"Yeah," said scooter out of the side of his mouth, "Is that banana in your outer lunchbox pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

"Hardy har har," both said.

"Anyway ..." said Scoot.

"So, she's charging full price for beer that's a year old," said Tabitha.

"Yeah, I know.  And she has no problem with it," said Scoot.

"Well I guess," submitted Tabitha

"Actually, she's getting paid twice for it," Scoot said.

"Well, here's the dome cleaning supply closet.  Give me the key."

"I thought you had the key ..."

and sceeeeeeene!