Don't get me wrong. I love my current job so much that I would never think of leaving under normal circumstances. Those guys at the company are a real stand up group. I've grown and learned so much about life and the world during my tenure that it makes me go all woozy just thinking about how much I love each and every one of them.
"If that's the case cube, why are you leaving?"
Exactly.
Actually, it's because of the one thing you can get free of charge just about every time you get a new job. Free Drug Test!
Many years ago, I bought a handgun. It was a real nice handgun. A Kimber TLE II. Real nice.
I had to go downtown to the police station to register the gun. That's the only time I have been in there. It was quite an experience. I was glad to have a handgun with me.
There were a lot of people there in addition to the people who worked there. They were either visiting a loser friend or relative or bailing out a loser friend or relative.
I was sitting there quietly waiting for my number to be called. The woman behind the glass would be talking to somebody and somebody else would walk in and interrupt, "Yeah I came here to bail out my cousin."
"Please take a number sir," the woman instructed.
"I got all the money. I can pay now."
"Sir, please just take a number."
"That's some bullshit."
And so on.
Finally my number was called and I then got to wait because their "Gun registration database" was down. Whatever. I was thinking they could just take the form I had filled out and then enter it when the "database" "comes back up"
They were thinking I could just go home and come back. I decided to wait.
While I waited, cousin dumbass was called to the window to pay bail for cousin loser.
The lady looked up the name and said, "Ok that's $750.00"
"Holy shit," I thought, "this kid had $750 dollars." I was surprised.
"$750.00!" He said, "When I called, they said it was going to be $685.00."
Now I have never worked in any sort of law enforcement so I am unaware of the crafty fibs people often tell. But I remember being certain the guy was lying about the $685 thing. Then he said he thought it was really supposed to be $685.00 and the woman behind the glass was going to pocket the rest. That didn't work out too well for him. Jesus, people are stupid.
So the next thing that happened was a mad scramble to scrape up the $65 dollars they were short for the bail. Cars were checked. Friends were called.
In the end, Dumbass came up with a final offer of $722.45 or something like that.
He argued that she should take that amount and release the cousin. She argued that "No."
So they eventually left incarcerated cousin in jail and the gun registration database "came back up" and I walked out of the police station carrying a .45 semi-automatic.
That ended up being more than I wanted to say. Basically, the police station was full of really really stupid people.
Just like the lab where people are getting drug tested.
My appointment was for yesterday at 12:15 PM. You can just walk in and wait if you'd like, but they "Strongly recommend" you schedule an appointment.
When I walked into the lobby of the drug test place there were 5 other people in there. There was Anthony, Tawny and three of Tawny's children under the age of 5. I don't know how many children Tawny has under the age of 5, but 3 of them were with her.
There was nobody at the desk/window. Just a big sign that said "Sign In" which I did.
Then a woman came to the window. It was not the same woman from the police station, but I'm guessing if you can do the one, you can do the other (job - not woman).
"Tawny!" called the no nonsense voice from the other side of the window. The voice that's heard it all.
Tawny went to the window. Tawny is one of those people that thinks she's funny. Like sassy/funny. Also, she thinks people are entertained by her sass/humor, so she's loud enough for all to hear even if they are sleeping or something.
Maybe people are endeared to this disgusting woman and her ridiculous manner (Case in point: at least 3 kids under age 5).
No Nonsense said to Tawny "Will you be able to give a sample today?"
"Oh man. Will I ever! I ain't pissed all day! My bladder is fin' to burst!" She said all loud and stuff.
"Just step over to the door and I will open it for you," Said the receptionist/lab tech.
"Mama, can I come with you please," said the sweet two year old with a very hard life ahead of her.
"No you ain't comin' with me you little shit! I'm going to pee! I don't need nobody holdin' my hand!"
"Nice," I muttered.
Two minutes later, Tawny came back out with a cup of water. I guess her bladder wasn't quite 'fin' to burst after all. I guess she did need to hold a hand, etc.
She drank the cup and asked for more claiming a desire to get "the show on the road."
That's when the lab tech made me want to switch jobs to lab tech. "No!" she shouted. "I told you, no more than 6 ounces every 30 minutes. Maybe next time you'll learn to manage your hydration!"
Some time between when Tawny went in and out of the lab, a couple of women entered, signed in and waited.
"Anthony!" the lab tech called.
When he got to the window, she said, "I'll need to see your I.D."
"Oh shit!" said one of the newcomers, "I didn't bring my I.D."
That's when I realized that there are plenty of reasons people get randomly drug tested. Maybe these people really are on drugs and that's why they seem like idiots. But I like to think they are idiots and their bosses are just hoping they are on drugs.
Now if you'll excuse me, my bladder is fin to burst.
2 comments:
Did you see Robin Williams in the Angriest Man in Brooklyn?
I did not. The title is me trying to be too clever. Piss test. Pissedest. Angriest.
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