You ought to know

I've written more words this week than any other in the history of me writing words.  Ironically, none of those words are suitable for this forum at this time.

Well, maybe it's ironic. I'm not quite sure.  I guess that depends on what ironic means.  I'm going to make this brief because I don't want to do it at all.  I also will not mention you-know-who or her song about irony, because, c'mon.  Boring.

When somebody says, "Wow. That's ironic,"  they're usually talking about some coincidence.

I'm not sure anybody knows what ironic means but I've found a few definitions.  Without looking them up, I'll describe what I think they are.

I always think of it as something that happens as a result of actions taken in an attempt to stop that thing from happening. That's ironic.

Back in 8th grade or something, they said it was like sarcasm, but nicer.  The idea is you say the opposite of what you mean and since it is so ridiculous, it makes your point.  Like "Oh yeah, I really want to get eaten alive by mosquitoes!"

Then there's the one they always talk about with some philosopher (plato or socrates)  Where you argue with someone by simply asking questions that force them to contradict their position.

There's one that has something to do with theater.  But that requires you to go to the theater, so ...

The last and most important definition of irony I've ever seen is: "Like iron"

To me, that's true irony.  Not coincidence.  Is it coincidence that aluminum is kind of irony?  The correct answer is a resounding "nope."

In fact, coincidence may not actually exist.  Many have said they don't believe in coincidence.  Maybe they're right.  Maybe that's why they call it irony.

"Woah.  You have the same birthday as I do?  I suspect some sort of conspiracy.  That's ironic."

So anyways, I got to thinking.  Would it be possible to have one huge circumstance or entity that was all forms of irony (including 'like iron') at the same time.  As an added bonus, if it could be a coincidence, I'd send the result to you-know-who and respectfully request that she write a song about it.

So it should be obvious that I am making this up as I go along.  I haven't a clue what situation could fulfill all senses of the word.  Oh wait  Back up.  Let's skip the theater one because who wants to sit through a play?  Actually - if you want to have a go at adding it, fine.  I don't care.  Just keep me out of it.

So the situation/event has to have:

1) bringing about your own demise by trying to thwart it
2) nice sarcasm
3) dumb questions to illustrate that your enemy is dumb
4) having similarity to iron.

Bonus: The mythical notion of coincidence.

So let's just say there was this guy.  What he wanted more than anything was to be obscenely wealthy.  He also wanted a hot girlfriend.  He had the girlfriend, just not the money.

But this girl did everything for him.  I mean everything.  He loved her so much he could never imagine being with anyone else.  He told her he'd hold her until he died, until he died.

As the years went on, however, her career was not going too well.  She was basically a failed singer.  So he dumped her.  He found an older, richer version of her.

Well, this upset the ex-girlfriend so much that she wrote a song dripping with irony (sarcasm).  She said things like:

I wish nothing but the best for you both.
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.

Well this song was a big big hit and the ex-girlfriend made 100 billion dollars for the song (one penny for every time it was played on the radio).  So Mr. Duplicity missed that boat (ironic that he left her for a 'sort of rich' woman).

These cover the first 2 in my list above.  Next there's the socratic (or is it platonic) type - dumb questions to prove your point.  Also in the most ironic song ever written:

Is she perverted like me?
Will she go down on you in a theater?  (strictly speaking, this is probably not the "theater version" of irony)
Does she speak eloquently?
Would she have your baby?

Maybe that theater one is irony.  Because (rhymes with cabanas) was trying to use her mouth to get pregnant.

I don't know what kind of cross she bore, but I'd be willing to bet it was iron.

Anyway - I'm tired of hearing people say her song has nothing to do with irony. It's all over the place in the lyrics.

Hmm? What?  They're talking about a different song?  She wrote another song?  What a coincidence.