Oh, now I remember

A few years ago, my daughter would come home each Summer from college. On most nights she was busy with friends or work but sometimes she'd hang out with Jill and me and watch a movie. Throughout the movie, she did this annoying thing.  About every 30 seconds or so her cell phone would buzz, indicating a new text message.

She would glance at the message and resume the movie watching while tapping away at her phone.  It was pretty impressive.  She didn't have a smart phone.  She texted with the number pad (click '3' twice for 'e', etc).

I was amazed and annoyed.  "You have a perfectly good phone in your hand.  But you insist on using it as a newfangled telegraph machine."

It made no sense to me then, but lately I find myself texting more and more. A text message is generally more appropriate for most of the communicating I do.  Phone courtesy is a bit of a chore when you just need to say, "Lunch.  12:30.  Applebee's"

Granted, if you send me a text telling me you're having lunch at Applebee's, not only will I not join you, but I will have no choice but to assume your tongue has been in some horrible accident.

Then I can simply send a message back like, "Dammit.  I'd love to, but my tongue still works."

The conversation is over.  We didn't have to do all the "How's it going" crap.  We can talk about that some time over a nice Velveeta and cardboard lunch.

So yeah - most of the time, I'd rather text than call. Yesterday, I realized why.

When old people think of phones, it is not cell phones.  It's the kind that work right.

With a phone, both people can talk at the same time and hear each other.  I did telemarketing for about 4 years or so.  I was quite adept at phone conversation. When I first tried to use a cell phone it was so strange I couldn't believe it would catch on.  You can't hear your own voice in the earpiece so if you get disconnected, you might just keep on talking.  There's no clue the other person is gone.

If one of you is in a noisy or windy place, forget about it.  Cell phones work like voice activated walkie-talkies.  If you both start talking at the same time, you'll both stop and say "go ahead" at the same time.  Then you'll both try to talk and so on.

Real phones were pretty cool about letting 2 people talk at the same time.  Also, good old regular low tech phones could even do "party lines."  A cell phone would start crying if you tried that.

Conference calls didn't used to always be a total nightmare.  They are now.  But most of that is completely unrelated to the phone.

Honestly though, I like my phone.  The little idiosyncrasies of cell phones are far outweighed by their convenience. I like that I can always be in touch with everybody.  I can always look up information or get an address.  I often leave the house without knowing exactly where I'm going.  I just ask my phone on the way.  How cool is that?

So I can deal with the goofy voice interface of cell phones, but there's one thing we've lost that I fear we've lost for good.

The satisfying hang-up.  God, I used to love those.  You get mad at someone and you don't have to say anything at all.  You just slam that receiver against the cradle as hard as you can.  Now that's some non-verbal communication there, boy.  Nothing sweeter.

Hang up on somebody like that with a cell phone.  They'll just assume the call got dropped and call you right back.  You have to somehow let them know the conversation is over.  You have to say something like, "Well you could have mentioned it earlier! Bye!"  and gently press the button to end the call so as not to crack the screen of your little pussy phone.

Just not the same.

I realized this when I was telling Jill about hanging up on somebody the other day.  She said, "Did he even  know you hung up on him?"

That's it.  I think I'll write a "Hang-Up" app.  Bye!