How not to get your ass kicked by an old man

Not that I'm an authority or anything.  I just think there are steps you can take to keep yourself from getting your ass kicked by an old man.

Every once in a while, there will be a story in the paper about how some old man beat up some young adult who meant to rob him.

It always goes like this:

Kid breaks into old man's house.  Kid has weapon; Knife, gun, tire iron.  Whatever.
He starts yelling at old man, threatening him.  Old man takes weapon from kid and shoves it up kid's ass.  He then keeps kid around so cops can fetch him.

The kid goes from thinking he's some sort of criminal badass to having some feeble old guy with a little moxie get the better of him.

This is sad.  The shame.  Can you imagine?  As if that wasn't enough.  The story is published online where the whole world can not only read, but also comment.  You may not believe this, but most of the comments are from people praising the old guy and laughing at the kid.  Some even think the kid deserves more punishment.

He does not.  The humiliation of the events is enough.  Rather than try to ruin a kid's future, wouldn't it be better if he could be reformed?  If he could learn the basics of not getting his ass kicked by an old guy?

Yes, of course it would.  That's the reason for this post.  If I can help just one kid, I will feel I've done my job.  Then I'll call in sick because I still have to go to my real job otherwise.

Here's a handy little guide I whipped up.  I hope it helps.  You're welcome whipper snappers.

1)   Stay away from old people.  Isn't it funny how often the answer is right there in front of us?  Just don't try to take stuff from old guys.  I know they look frail and weak, but they were your age once.  If they can kick your ass now, just think what they would have done to you back then?  Whew!

The good news is that if you don't provoke them, they will leave you alone.  They didn't get to be old by starting fights.

2) Learn to fight - or at the very least, learn some basic self defense.  You may never need to defend yourself against an old guy, but it's better to have it and not need it than - say it with me - need it and not have it.  If you're going to be getting into showdowns with old people, 9 times out of 10, no problem.  The old guy gives you his stuff and you're on your way.  But that 10th guy?  Is it worth getting beat up and laughed at by the community/world when you could have spent a couple of hours learning self-defense at the library?  I think you know the answer.  Get some training.  A little goes a long way against old people.

3) Choose your target judiciously.  If you absolutely must accost an old person, there are certain types you should avoid at all cost.

 3-a) Thick glasses that look like they automatically darken in the sun.  Watch out for these guys.  They're worse than old guys in track suits.  Whether or not they are/were ever in organized crime is irrelevant.  They will beat your ass before their lenses have a chance to adjust to the light in the room/outdoors.

My wallet, eh?

 3-b) Old guys in track suits.  These guys are in organized crime.  Even if you should somehow get the better of one of these good fellows, there's a Colombian Necktie in your future.

I swear. I'm just gonna talk to the kid, sweetie.  

 3-c) Blurry tattoos.  This may not be so easy to tell on a cold day.  But if you are about to make your move and your "victim's" arm is stained with unintelligible blue blobs, just get away.  This is probably a Marine (they tell me there are no ex-marines).

Try not to bleed to death before the cops get here, princess.

4)  Mug other pussies like yourself.  Again.  Sorry if it's obvious.  But since you can't handle old guys,  others like you are most likely your best bet.  Approach only other young "tough guy" criminals and you should be fine.

5)  Don't go on a bike ride with Shim.  About the quickest way to get your ass kicked by an old guy is to engage in this risky behavior.  Just don't do it.

And Sceeeeeene!