Janer, Phone Home.

“It’s ok Lenny, you can tell me.  In fact, I think you’d better,” The brilliant Dr. Johnson had just explained to the young veterinary student, now part human, part cat, part frog, how he had pieced together what had happened.  Early on, Dr Johnson had dismissed his ideas as pure fiction, but after talking to Professor Lincoln at Lenny’s school, he learned of the highly experimental work being done. 

“No, it sounds like you pretty much know as much about it as I do.  Can it be reversed, doc?”  Lenny asked, eyes downcast.

“I’m not going to say no because I think it would be discouraging if I told you you were destined to spend the rest of your days with a weird frog, cat, human hybrid body.  But I’m also not going to lie to you.  Stop that!” The Doctor warned as Lenny licked at his paw then snatched a fly out of the air with his tongue.

“All I’m saying kid, is if we don’t figure out a way to slow down the mutation, you may be all frog or all cat in a few weeks.  You probably understand a little bit about how this stuff works.  Your teachers say you’re the brightest they’ve seen.  But I’m going to explain it anyway because I have an idea about your treatment.

“When you jack around with DNA hybrid stuff, there’s a pretty good chance that one genome will take over and change the organism back into one of the original beings.  This completely unobserved phenomenon is known as “science fiction”.  And the DNA never reverts back to Human.  We know this from all of the science fiction documentaries.”

“Meow, you were saying you had an idea?”, Lenny asked, eyes bulging a little.

“It’s far too early to say, but I’ve been mulling it over.  I have a little bit of investigative work to do.  Well, you’re a scientist, maybe I can explain my idea.  Actually, a good friend gave me the idea inadvertently when he or she tried to poison me.  I’m not sure.”

“You don’t know if your friend tried to poison you?”, Lenny said tired and confused.

“Oh no, he or she did.  What I don’t know is if it’s a he or a she.”

“Doc if you don’t know the gender, why don’t you just say Shim. That’s what they’re called.”

“Seems like kind of a rude name.  I’ll stick with ‘it’.  Anyway, my friend had a friend who was working on a new strain of super-coolant.  He had planned to devise a practical super computing device.  Unfortunately, the substance was as dangerous as it was effective for cooling.”

“Maybe, I’m still not 100% doc, but I don’t follow.  What do you mean?”, Lenny asked, gaining hope and interest.

“Well, you know how plain old anti-freeze is dangerous to dogs?  This stuff is like a thousand times more powerful than anti-freeze in every way.”

“Weird, but if you can somehow tell me-ow what that has to do with my condition, I’ll be truly amazed.”, Lenny said, now gaining a bit of skepticism.

“Me too,” Admitted the doctor, “It’s just a hunch.  I’m going to have to think about it for a couple of days.  In the mean time, I’ve had the nurses set out a big plastic box of litter beside your bed if nature should happen to call,” 

“Oh man, you don’t know how bad I have to go …”  a relieved Lenny Johnson said, slipping out of the hospital bed to squat into the 4 foot square box and grunt all regal and everything, just like an embarrassed cat.  Oh the weeks of pent up, ahhhh ….

“Well then, I’ll leave you to it,”  a totally grossed out Dr Johnson informed, “Oh by the way,  My friend is going to be staying in the other bed in this room.  She’s in pretty bad shape, but I think she just might pull through if I can get a hold of her friend the coolant creator guy and we can devise an antidote.  In the meantime, I'm keeping her alive with the DNA treatment you originally developed.  You see the ...”

"Frog DNA.  Of course.  Frogs are not effected by anti-freeze.  That's pretty clever doc, but what about side-effects,"  Lenny asked, holding up a paw, and almost losing his balance in the cat box.

"I had to act immediately.  She was dying.  I figured I'd just worry about the horrible mutant thing later."

“So now you’re just saying it’s a ‘she.’” Lenny challenged.

“Probably wishful thinking on my part kid, now get some rest. I gotta get out of here before you do the ol’ cleaning cat salute thing.”  Doctor Johnson confided.

“Hairball,” Lenny suddenly shouted.  Then, “Just kidding Doc.”, a smile crossing his face for the first time this month.

 As Jack Hughes, rent-a-pig, sat on his little stool outside the ticket window of the AMC 6 West movie theater, he reminisced.  Floating away from the present situation of ensuring kids weren’t sneaking toast into the Midnight showing of ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, Jack’s mind went to a more heroic time.  The day he just about died saving his partner.

It was about 20 years before this night.  It had all started out as a routine bust.  A neighbor had reported a lot of in and out traffic at a house across the street from her.  So Jack and His partner Coop were staked out about 3 houses down from where the neighbor lived waiting to see something suspicious for themselves.  Coop’s real name was Steven Roberts.  But he thought “Roberts” sounded too cliché for a cop.  So he liked to go by ‘Coop’.  The year was 1963 and in Omaha, the Reefer scene was going great guns. 

“I’ll tell you Hughes, America has lost her innocence,” Coop continued on his monologue while Jack worked the crossword, “You see these kids, what are they 17?  18?  Brains all smoked out on this shit.  I tell you.  It’s the beginning of the end if we don’t nip this marijuana thing in the bud,” Coop was not making some clever play on words.  Neither Coop nor Hughes thought in terms of ‘buds’.

“Hey Steve, what’s a 6 letter word for ‘Shut the fuck up’.” 

“Try ‘eat me’”, Coop suggested.

“Let’s just agree to disagree then.”

“No.”

“Did you know that Hemingway said ‘write drunk, edit sober’?”

“Interesting.  What’s editing? Who’s Hemingway?  Is he in homicide?”

“Never mind Coop.  Or Hughes.  Whichever one of us isn’t talking right here,”  Said Hughes, obviously distracted.  Looking out the car window toward the house in question, he glanced at the tire swing in the front yard.  What kind of drug dealer has a tire swing?  It reminded him of the time he was a kid down at the summer cabin his folks had on the riverfront.  Jack would swing on that thing for hours.  In the evenings they would all gather around the big speaker radio and listen to the adventures of J.C. Owens at the 1936 Olympics.  Jack was 13 that year and Jesse was his hero.  He showed that evil Nazi Bastard how we do it over here.  Jack wanted to be a hero like Owens.  If only they had “Tire swinging” in the Olympics, he’d show that tough customer Hitler what’s what.

While sitting on the tire swing one day, Jack was about to reflect on yet another simpler time with yet another flashback, when he was jolted back to reality.  Coop was shaking him, “What gives Hughes?  We’re up,” Nodding toward the house, Jack realized something wasn’t right.  This can’t be happening.  Then it hit him.  He had been about to go triple flashback and still had one more to jump out of before getting back to the present.

“Well what do we have here,” Hughes thought, watching the grand entrance of Boomer, Cube, Marv, Butch, and at first he only saw Dr. Johnson (not yet a Doctor) behind them.  Then, looking again, he saw the towering figure of a young Burt Rasson.  “How did I not see that guy at first?  You’re losing it Jackie boy.” 

These kids looked like trouble in every sense of the word.  Well, they didn’t look like “draw your sidearm” trouble.  But they were definitely “stern talking to and finger waving” trouble.

“Welcome to my theater, Gents,”   Jack Hughes mumbled, surprised at his sudden improvement in mood.  All the anxieties of earlier in the week melted away at the prospect of some real peace officer work.  “I was born for this shit, excuse me, er doo-doo.”  He’d later tell his loving wife.

“Thanks for the invite there, daddio!”, The Future Dr Johnson replied.  “We expect to have one hell of a time in here.”

“How did he hear that?” Johnson mumbled to himself and immediately regretted it.

“YOUNG PEOPLE CAN HEAR BETTER!”  explained Boomer earning a slap in the arm from a snickering Marv, L.K.A. Janey.

“So I know you’re probably not the person to ask, being how you’re just a security guard, but do you know how I could get on the force as a detective?  I’m thinking ‘vice’,” Cube asked in all seriousness, sucking on one end of his ray-bans.

“Why don’t you boys just go buy your tickets and enjoy the show.  And no horseplay OR tomfoolery.”, Hughes advised, “I’ll be watching you”.

“Ooooooooooooh,” thought, but didn’t say, all the boys.  Not until the story was being retold.

Walking up the stairs to the theater, but still within earshot of Hughes, J said, “Ever since that movie ‘Colors’, they really take movie security seriously.”

Confused looks all around.  Except for R who was shaking his head at J.  J had maybe had too much to drink.  He was forgetting where he was again.  Or more accurately, “When he was.”

“What movie?” Butch asked.

“Oh, um it’s a French movie.  Probably won’t be released here for another 5 years or so,” said R. clearly panicking trying to cover for his best friend’s mistake.

“Hey – is there this balloon that follows this kid around in it?”, Boomer asked.

Then Marv said, “I think it’s a movie from the future and that’s why it won’t be released here for 5 years.

And I also think Janer are time travelling aliens.  Who walks that smooth, anyway?”

There was silence as the boys all tried to figure out if Marv was joking or just crazy.  Standing in a small circle looking at each other, Butch said, “Hey where are Janer anyway.”

And just like that, they were gone.

“I was just kidding,” said Marv.

“Well, if they ever work their way back to this dimension or time or whatever, you are totally apologizing to them,” Butch assured.

“Whatever.  Let’s get in there.  I don’t want to miss Riff-Raff’s lips,” encouraged Cube hopping from foot to foot.

No one is bluer. Or truer.

As Jack watched the setting sun in the amber sky, he became aware of a heightened sense of alertness within himself.  Leaning against the sun-heated bricks that composed the westernmost wall of the Westroads shopping mall, Jack was awaiting the beginning of his shift.  The last of the day’s shoppers were slowly clearing the lot as night fell.  Holding a hand up to his face, Jack examined the Marlboro Light 100 he was enjoying.  Jack was not officially a smoker.  Neither was he officially a bacon, egg, cheese, french fry or hamburger eater.  Dr Snotnose’s orders.  And his own wife conspired with the Dr. to ensure the last few years of his existence were brutally joyless. 

There were few perks as a security guard, but confiscating cigarettes from minors wasn’t too bad.  “That shit’ll kill you, you stupid flopheads!”  Jack would yell at the teens he caught smoking in the exact ‘out of the way’ spot he now stood. Exhaling a stream of that delicious Virginia gold, the irony completely escapes Jack. 

Turning his thoughts to the night ahead, Jack was surprised by a sudden anticipation.  For the past several days, he had been filled with anxiety.  The Rocky Horror Picture Show had been showing at the movies at midnight at the Westroads for a few weeks, but this was Jack’s first time on the beat.   He’d heard stories.

Several ex-cops, good men, had retired early after facing the unspoken horrors of crowd management at one of these god-forsaken, perverted freak-fests.  Jack’s old compatriot, Sully Menkovitchz, after what he heard and saw at “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” 3 weeks back, awoke the next morning with an overwhelming calm.  Smiling as the last of his sweet dreams faded, slowly becoming aware of a pulsing warmth.  Before even opening his eyes, he was mentally running down the day’s itinerary. Breakfast, lawn mowing, a little game of catch … when something jolted him from his nice comfy dream state.  Pulsing warmth?  A flash of a memory.  A pick ax.  A man in O.R. scrubs and Playtex rubber gloves had just murdered Eddie.    As poor Sully turns to tell his wife about the True Horror of Rocky Horror, He understands.  There will be no lawn mowing.  No breakfast.  No playing catch.  Only prison.  He had scant memories of the events after he arrived home from the shift at the midnight movie.  But it was all coming back as he peered into the open, lifeless eyes of his one true love.  I’m pretty sure he was also upset by what he found in his children’s rooms, but I honestly don’t want to talk about it.  Oh and anyway, he was the one who did it, so I don’t know what he’s crying about.

~~~

“Sully?  That nut case?  You’re worried about him?”  Bob couldn’t believe Jack.  This was not the kid he’d trained all those years ago.  That boy had fire.  He was foolish, but fearless.  After just 5 years on the sidelines, old Jack Hughes appeared to be a shadow of his former self.

“I dunno Bob, it just seems like, you know, I’m not as quick or strong as I used to be.  These kids, they …”

“Jack.  Listen to me.  You and I both know that Sully was  psycho.  Just because he decided to murder his whole family after dealing with a few rowdies at the theatre doesn’t mean you’ll have any problems.  This is not the Hughes I know.  Maybe you’ve lost a step or 2, but think man.  You’re Jack Hughes.  You can handle a few punk rocker movie goers.  I don’t care how old you are.”

~~~

But now there was a calm that swept through Jack’s being.  Bob’s words had reminded him that he was good at this.  Sure, his best years were behind him.  He would never again remove a dangerous criminal from the streets.  But he was sure as hell going to remove any disruptive patron from the movie theater.  Sometimes that had to be enough.

Throwing down the cigarette butt with no small amount of disdain, Jack adjusted his security cop cap, straightened his spine, set his fleshy, but prominent jaw, and headed toward destiny – a little stool that was placed just outside the ticket window of the movie theater.

Running Against the Wind

Note:  I’m currently reading Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.  He is one of my favorite writer guys.  When I first had Jane show up I couple of posts back, I knew she was evil but I wasn’t sure why.  I wouldn’t call the following plagiarism, but maybe it is.  Here’s the thing.  Jane turns out to have a lot in common with one of the characters in that book.  It’s not coincidence.  Chuck Palahniuk is so graphic in his descriptions of pretty gross stuff that it kind of won’t go away real easy.  Plus it’s really easy to come up with crazy ideas if you just read them off of a piece of paper.  So seriously.  Go read Invisible Monsters.   It’s really weird.  Or even better, Damned by the same guy.  Or I guess you could read “Fight Club” if you don’t have a DVD player.

 ~~~

Everything is perfectly perfectly ready.  It’s just good fortune the good Dr Johnson (no relation) didn’t get the courage to ask me out while I was still madly in love with him.   Of course he wouldn’t have had anything to do with me back then.  He spurned my advances so vehemently I had to learn fancy words to describe what had happened.  Oh I’ve known Jack (Herman) for a lot longer than he thinks.  I was just a goofy kid when I first laid eyes on him.  I was instantly in love, but knew it was not possible.  No way he’d fall for someone like me.  He was just too old fashioned and I was just …

But I did my homework.  I did what it took to become a woman he’d take notice of.  If you really want something.  Anything.  It can be yours.  But you must be willing to make the sacrifice.  Everybody gets everything they truly want.  If it’s too hard, you just don’t want it bad enough.  At least that’s what I believed when I first embarked on this journey.  I gave up everything to become what I am now.

I was not the classic beauty.  Hell, I was not any kind of beauty.  I was heavy.  Big boned, they always said.  So I did what was necessary.  I had a single goal.  Win over the smooth walking Dr. Herman Johnson. 

When we first met, he said he liked me, but I knew because of my plain looks, we were destined to be “Just friends.”  For the first few years, I thought as he got to know me better, maybe his feelings would change.  He’d see that we were meant to be together.  But I was wrong.  That’s when I decided he would never love me so the thing to do was become somebody else.

But I also knew that if I started dieting and exercising and getting the necessary plastic surgeries required to become the woman of his dreams, I couldn’t do it while he watched.  No, he’d always see that other person.  The person I hated most.

So I had to move away for a while.  I said my goodbyes to everyone and disappeared.  When I returned, I had a new face and a new name.  Not even my parents recognized me.  I’ve served them coffee hundreds of times and they haven’t a clue.  They think I’m some big successful executive out west.

The irony is that after I went through the pain to become what I thought Herman wanted, I no longer wanted him.  I have desired a man for years who would never love the real me.  Only the mutilated me.  And that shit ain’t right.  That’s why I have to kill that buttery gait bastard.

~~~ 

It is the evening of the day.  That is what Burt Rasson was thinking as he sat at Dr Johnson’s kitchen table fiddling with the card lock thing he used to enter the premises.  “Oh great, now I’ll have that stupid song stuck in my head,”  He thought as he gazed out the window, watching the children outside play.  He was amazed that the games they were playing were the same old games he used to play, but of course everything is new to children.  He thought about these thing as black tears soiled the good Dr.’s kitchen table top. 

When did everything change?  He and Dr. Johnson had been inseparable for many years.  He wasn’t a doctor yet.  Hell, they were about 15 years old when they started hanging out occasionally.  Then all the time after Burt saved Herman.  There was a fire at a second hand store downtown.  Herman worked there in the afternoons counting things or something.  The fire had started a couple of doors east of the shop, but the whole block of shops was one huge brick structure that was built around the 1890’s.  Once the heat was enough to set the bricks ablaze there was no stopping it.  It moved down to where Johnson was working on the second floor of the shop.  He was completely oblivious to the fire because he had his Rolling Stones cassette tape blasting into his ears thanks to his brand new Sony Walkman.  “My riches can’t buy everythi-i-i-ing …” young Johnson screamed along with Mick Jagger as he inventoried some stuff or something.

By the time anybody realized he was in there, the lower floor was all flames.  Nobody would go in after him.  There was a really dramatic scene where the fire chief yelled at Burt Rasson saying the skinny, smooth walking kid probably got out and anyway, nobody’s going in there.  It’s just too dangerous.

“Oh yeah, that’s cool.  Ok.  Bye.”  Went Rasson’s little trick as he sidled to the back of the building where there was, ahem, a fire escape.  He scaled the stairs wondering why Herman wouldn’t have just come out that way.  The steps were hot enough that Burt’s shoes were sticking to them and he couldn’t use the handrail, because … it was hot too.   Once he got into the second floor room of the second hand store, smoke and visibility were issues.  He didn’t see Herman anywhere.  “J”  he shouted several times, feeling his way around. 

Eyes stinging, throat burning, choking, he turned to leave when he saw movement under an old military style metal desk.  Blinking ferociously, he ran to the desk to find his friend trapped where part of the floor had given way and toppled the desk onto J’s leg.  Adrenaline went to work as Burt effortlessly tossed the desk aside and dragged a delirious “J” to safety.

“Smiling faces, I can see, but not for me …” Johnson continued, but it was all warped sounding because the heat had damaged the cassette.

“Don’t quit your day job J,”  Rasson joked.

“Looks like I got fired R,” Johnson replied all raspy and stuff.

After that day, they only went as “J” and “R”.  Since they were always together, people just addressed either one of them as “Janer”

But as Burt now sat at the good Dr’s kitchen table wearing his best melancholy, he tried to work out when he and the Dr started to drift.  Burt figured it was his own damn fault.  He had no other friends and everybody liked “J”.  Burt had been jealous.  When one of J’s friends, Marv, started hanging around more and more and J had no intention of blowing him off, Burt voluntarily walked away.  “Stupidest thing I ever did, I realize that now.”

That’s about the time Burt’s new lifelong friend, “Joe the bottle of Gin¹,” came along.

~~~

I’m looking through the glass in the early autumn evening.  Already darkening outside, but still warm.  I see my reflection like a ghost.  My hatred obscured by lots of makeup.  I am ready.  The Dr will be here any minute.  Should I go with him to the carnival or coerce him in for a drink and get it over with.  Still.  I like fun houses.  And there’s nothing like the feeling of having a handsome fella hand you some piece of shit stuffed animal he won “for you”.  I suppose if you can knock over milk containers with a baseball, I should spread my legs for you.  No wait.  That’s not right.  Oh it escapes me.  Anyway, I’ll take the fuzzy panda or monkey or whatever the hell it is.  Yeah, I guess I can lug the damn thing around.  I’ll throw it on my bed with the others.  The other failed attempt at the real prize.  There on the bed.  A reminder to all suitors.  You’re not the first guy to knock over my milk bottles, if you know what I mean.  Wink Wink.

After a day at the café, I’m dead tired.  I don’t want to stand anymore, let alone walk to the carnival.  Yes, it’s less than 3 blocks away, but my feet are swollen and hot.  But Dr Johnson never drives anywhere.  Who can blame him?  The finest Cadillac doesn’t glide down the road as smooth as Johnson down the sidewalk.  That settles it.  I’m poisoning him before the carnival.  Seriously, I’m just too tired to walk to the carnival and I don’t know when I’ll get the chance again.  I suppose I could just tell him to stop calling me Madge.  Then the headaches might stop.

 

Ok, where’s that brown bottle.  It was just here.  Let me know if you see it.  It’s got a skull and crossbones on the side with a big XXX underneath it.  Oh wait, never mind.  It’s in the toy room.  Hang on.  Ok, just a couple of drops into the tumbler on the left and the years of struggle will certainly die with “J”

Oh what’s this?  There a smooth Cadillac pulling up to the curb out front.  Who could that … It can’t be!  Johnson drove?!? What gives?

~~~ 

“What gives, Dr Johnson?”

“Our date was supposed to be tonight right?”

“No, I know, but I’ve never seen you drive before.  I was just going to ki…”

“Well, I figured since you’re probably on those sweet gams of yours all day, they could use a rest.”

“Aren’t you sweet.  Care for a drink?”

“I’d love one,  I’ll just pour some of this whiskey into the tumbler on the right and give it to you.  You know Jane, you really should keep the brown bottle of poison in a safe place.  Now just a little whiskey for me in the tumbler on the left.  My left.  Jane?  What’s wrong.  Jane?  JANE!”

Oh no.  I’ve done gone and drank my own poison.  I can’t control myself.  Falling.  “Doctor.  I have to tell you something,”  Holy crap.  That was in my old voice from back before I was beautiful.

“Marv?  Is that you,”  The doctor has just kind of figured out my secret and now I’m going to die.

“Air – I need air.  Can’t breathe.”  It has started to rain outside, but the Doctor is pulling me out the front door.

“Seriously Marv, I totally did not recognize you at all until I heard your voice.  What a trip.  Oh and do you happen to know what that Poison was?  Because you appear to be dying.”

“Do you know where I came up with the name ‘Janey’”, I know he does.

“That’s the thing you called me when we met at Louis’ that one time,” J realized all philosophically and everything.

~~~

1.      Ok, sorry about this, but I just realized that I once read this book by Tim Sandlin, called “Sorrow Floats.” It was the second book of a story line, not really a trilogy per se.  But anyway, the narrator was a huge alcoholic and named each of her bottles of booze.  One day, I will have an original thought.

Anachronism

Ahh, the booth seat.  Its intended design of service for 4 worked perfectly as La-Z boy recliners for 2, albeit, using the cruel hard wall, ledge, window arrangement for a backrest.  Anything was better than having your feet down after a grueling day in the humid summer Nebraska sun.  The boys also had the option of resting their backs on the back of their respective booths and stretching their feet across to the opposing seat, but that had 2 problems.  First of all, it seemed kind of gay (Even to a guy dressed like Don Johnson ca. 1984).  But the main thing is the table worked nicely as a comfy armrest on one side, while the top of the seatback provided top shelf comfort for the other, less dominant arm.  Both boys were somewhat ambidextrous, but Boomer was more left handed, so there was no question as to the seating arrangement.

 

On the table, at the window side, were about a half dozen empty Guinness bottles and 2 half full ones.  Cube held in his hand the tiny little 8 oz. glass he had received in answer to the bar-wench’s query “Y’all wanna glass with them?”

 

Boomer also had a tiny little glass, but he was more interested in peeling off the Guinness label completely intact.  It was proof the he was either a virgin or not a virgin.  Neither boy remembered exactly how the story went.

 

“So since you’ve got 3 of them off whole, does that mean you’ve raged thrice or that you’ve explained to 3 different girls how you’re saving it for marriage,”  Cube asked, shaking out a match and spitting a tiny bit of fine Turkish tobacco off his tongue.  He let that extraordinary blend of premium hand-picked carcinogen nestle briefly in his nice juvenile lungs before attempting a string of smoke rings.

“This Guinness is too cold.  Look, it says right here – serve at between 40-50 degrees Fahrenheit.  You know that changes the whole bouquet or some shit,” Boomer complained

“Yeah, well, that’s just a bunch of crap because those limey bastards over there haven’t figure out how to make a good refrigerator.”

“Uh, yeah.  This is Irish beer.  See, it says it’s from Dublin,” Boomer corrected.

“Yeah – the Irish are known for their refrigerator skills,” Cube countered, “I’m pretty sure that if there are any refrigerators in Ireland, they bought them from England, and they suck balls for cooling down beer.  That is the exact reason our forefathers came to the Midwest and started the Amana colonies.”

“You should become a history teacher, Crockett,” Boomer teased.  But Cube like being called Crockett.  Seriously.  It was pathetic. 

“Well aren’t we a couple of dandies,” a large, well muscled man with a hand on each side of the edge of Boomer and Cube’s table.  Behind him was another man with a certain kind of hatred in his eye.  These fellas weren’t really looking for trouble.  They were just having a little fun.  They just meant to scare boomer and cube, 2 obviously underage patrons of Louis’ bar and grill.

But they picked on the wrong 2 guys for that.  See, these boys couldn’t fight at all.  And they knew it.  Problem was, neither one of them really scared too easy.  After a few minutes, the big men completely changed their mind and decided to beat the living shit out of Boomer and Cube.

“Hey Dan,”  Cube started, “Why don’t you tell these pussies who the real Elvis is,” unable to contain his laughter, blowing smoke into the face of his soon to be murderer. 

“Oh yeah, I was telling my good pal Cube here …”

“Who you callin’ pussy, pussy?” inquired beefy violent guy number one, knuckles whitening,  slight crunching noise emanating from the compressing tabletop in his grip.

“Look, you don’t want to mess …” Cube started to say, but was quickly rebuffed with a thunderous,

“You have no idea who you’re fucking with!”  And he was right.  They didn’t.  He was going to kill them in just a couple of minutes.  He just had to get a little more motivation from either one of these little punks.

“That’s true.  We don’t know you.  But I gotta tell you,” Boomer jumped in, “I’ve ruled out ‘English teacher’.”

“Yeah, Up High my man,”  Cube held up his right arm for the always dependable, never leave you hangin, Boomer High Five.  Yeah it’s capitalized.

And with that, the man stood to reach in and pull Cube out of his comfy booth spot as the silent partner went for Boomer.  Just then, there was a light slap on each of their backs as some weird guy, dressed like an early 40’s hepcat, delayed indefinitely the demise of Boomer and Cube.  Unfortunately, now all of the malice was aimed squarely at the zoot suited shoulders of the mystery man.

“Janer!  How’s it hangin, my good man!”  Boomer shouted, recognizing his old pal and savior, extending a hand in greeting.

“Hold on a sec, boomey.  So fellas – how ‘bout I get you cats a nice cool drink.  The boys talk shit, but they don’t mean anything by it …”

“Yes we actually …” Cube started, he really was stupid.  And also, getting his lines walked on a lot tonight.

“Ok, cubey – we know you’re joking.  Waddya say fellas?  Have a cold one on me.  I insist.”

“I’ll tell you what I say you little freak, I say we go all Jack Kerouac on your goofy ass and teach you a lesson …”

“Um, so.  You’re going to get drunk and do a poetry reading or something,”  Oh yeah, J was a smart-ass too.

“What the hell are you talkin’ about, ‘Janey’,”  completely misunderstanding the nickname.

Janer was the nickname for 2 guys.  “J” and “R”.  Nobody knew their real names. Just their initials.  You never saw them coming either.  They always just appeared.  Always together.  You always saw J first.  He would slide up with such grace, you’d swear he taught Michael Jackson how to moonwalk.  He was tall and thin, but a real cool cat.

R was never far behind.  Just as the 2 troublemakers turned their full attention to J, the room darkened as the towering figure of R either blocked all the light or made the light run away with fear.  Science is supposed to get back to us on that one. All I’m saying is R was a big mother fucker.  Most people just called him “Big Bob.”  They just assumed (incorrectly) that ‘R’ stood for ‘Robert’.  Anyway, he was big enough that most confrontations ended peacefully.  On this occasion, Butch and Marv (the 2 troublemakers) ended up buying the first round.

After a couple hours, it was time to move on.  So Butch, Marv, Boomer, Cube and Janer decided to hit the Midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture show.  “You’ll love it,” Cube explained to Butch and Marv, “There’s plenty of gay sex in it.”

At that, Marv pretended to get offended and lightly slugged Cube in the shoulder.  But thanks to Corey Hart’s advice, Cube was wearing his Ray-Ban’s which hid the stinging tears of pain leaking from his eyes.  

“Ow,” complained Cube as he pretended he was pretending to be in a lot of pain.

“For a big guy, you have pretty small feet,” Butch observed and reported to Big Bob.

K.I.T Stay Cool, Have a great Summer! English would have been so BORING without you!

Special Note:  Today is Abe's 7th birthday.  We are having a party for him tonight, so I knew all week I'd better get this done beforehand.  So the party starts in 32 minutes.  I'm calling this done.

I am mutated.  To what, I know not.  Also, I am talking funny.  Hunger.  Confusion.  Fear.  Pain.  They dominate my being, whatever that is.  With no little effort, I replace these attributes with a simple new one.   Rage.  As I blindly forge through some thick vegetation looking for relief from this nightmare, I become aware of a sharp stinging in my right hand.  It’s as if a thousand needles are piercing flesh and bone.  In an attempt to pull my hand to my face to investigate, I discover myself anchored to the ground by what looks like a thousand tiny barbed needles piercing the flesh and blood of my hand.  The more I struggle to free my hand, the more the pain intensifies.  I begin again to lose composure.  Sweat dripping into my eyes, burning.  I start to panic before I am once again rescued by my only ally; Rage.

With the heat and stench of the vegetation surrounding me, I thrash wildly to free my hand, trying not to consider the resulting mutilation.  As the wicked barbed needles rip free from my hand , I’m surprised to see they are attached to threads that are staked securely to the ground.  Tiny men about the size of a mouse are hammering furiously at the stakes.  Several of the freed needles fall toward the cowering men.  Ignoring the fire in my hand I stalk toward my would-be captors and begin to literally stomp them out, shredding my foot on the fallen needles in the process.  Doh!

Suddenly I realize; these are not tiny men.  I AM A GIANT!

Upon the realization, the pain in my hand subsides.  I look down to watch my hand quickly reassemble itself to its familiar old form.  Mostly human, but with strange green suction cups on the finger tips and the most adorable cuddly fur and retractable claws.   I want to bat some yarn, and I want to bat it now.  My other hand is 100% plain old boring human.  Damn.

Licking my hand/paw to wipe the grime from my sweaty brow, I’m suddenly standing in my studio apartment kitchen area slicing red peppers.  Chelsea walks out from behind the toilet screen (It’s a really small apartment) and comes up from behind kneeing the back of my knees, causing me not to buckle but float mysteriously in the air.   Chelsea is very impressed as I reach for her, but she’s out of range now as I uncontrollably move higher and through the ceiling/floor, I can feel every fiber of my being mix with the construction of the ceiling/floor.  I can tell you with great certainty, it feels pretty weird.  The neighbors in the apartment just above mine give me a look that might be anger or possibly heart attack as they sit, jaws agape, popcorn spilling from their mouths, watching me ascend through yet another ceiling  …

“That should settle him down,” nurse Wimbledon (no relation) was dumping some painkiller stuff into Lenny’s 4 drip.  He had been in a fitful sleep for the last few minutes, obviously in a great deal of pain, but was now starting to calm down.  The 4 drip itself was an invention of Dr Johnson’s.  He felt it was a great improvement on the archaic IV drip.  See what I did there?  Stupid 4^th wall.  Gonna have to get that thing fixed some day.

“Sorry folks.  Just passing through.  The popcorn smells good!” Lenny mumbles as he stirs.  These are the first words, he's spoken in over a week.

Just then, Dr Johnson comes in and smoothly walks across the room to Lenny’s bedside.  Evelyn and Julie, who haven’t left the bedside except to go home and sleep and go to work.  Oh and the occasional movie.  Actually, it was kind of lucky they happened to be there when he came out of his sleep.  They both watched as the Doctor entered, glancing down to verify that he was not on roller skates or something.  “It’s kind of creepy,” Ev whispered to Julie.  Julie gave a subtle nod in response. 

“You want to go get Charlie?” Julie asked.

“Him?  He’s just hanging out by the water fountain waiting for people to take a drink before he asks them questions.  He’s a dummy, but I love him.  Let him have his fun.”

“Miss Johnson,” Dr Johnson began, addressing Julie (Evelyn was Mrs. Johnson), “Would you do me a favor and close the Levolor Brand Blinds?  I think the lower light will be better for your brother at this time.”

Just then, Lenny opened his eyes, “I just had the weirdest dream,” He said.

Seeing Lenny awake was shocking enough for everyone, even before they noticed his eyes.

Evelyn ran out of the room, suppressing a scream until the door to the room was almost halfway closed.

Julie froze, her hand still holding the Levolor Brand blind string in the release position.  “What is wrong with his …”

“Shh,” warned the brilliant good handsome doctor. 

“What’s wrong with my what?” Lenny asked, absentmindedly lapping at an incisor with his scratchy tongue. 

“Don’t mind your sister, She’s just never seen anyone with frog/cat/human hybrid eyes before,”  Johnson reassured Lenny.

“Oh alright.  What?!?”, but when he said “What” It was long and drawn out, starting at a low quiet pitch rising in both volume and cant as the realization set in.  It was actually pretty comical.  I guess you had to be there.

Lenny eyes.  They were green.  The pupils were vertical slits.  Seriously.  Then there was this really gross membrane thing that would come down over his eyes occasionally instead of his now useless eyelids.

“Uh Yes.  Let me explain what I believe happened to you.  Hopefully you can fill in the rest,”  explained Johnson, suppressing a big huge barf.

~~~

“Yeah Crockett – or is it Burnett?  I’m ready,” The boys had noticed the rent-a-pig staring at them from across the parking lot.  And even though, despite appearances, they had done nothing illegal (yet), they were well aware that old rent-a-pigs were often ex-cops who could call in a few favors and get real cops on the scene before you could sing “Love me” by Elvis Presley.

Cube was ready for a night on the town.  After a long week of tanning his upper body at his job in the sun, he had the perfect pastel t-shirt to show it off.  Accenting that tan, was white linen sport jacket, sleeves carefully pushed halfway up his forearm to give the appearance that they were carelessly pushed halfway up his arm.  Showing no mercy on the ladies, he also wore white, sockless deck shoes.  To finish the ensemble, he was sporting a 3 day beard that took him about 9 days to grow.  “If only you had a .45 automatic, you could finish out that look.  Maybe even nab a Cuban drug lord or something.”  Boomer lamented.  

“We’ll see who’s laughing at the end of the night, Paul Bunyan.”

Boomer was also showing off his fabulous upper body tan.  He was wearing a red plaid flannel shirt, and though it was a hot summer night, Boomer was cool, because he had torn the sleeves off the shirt.  His attire was finished off nicely with an old pair of Levi’s and some hiking boots.

“Where you going Boomer?” Cube asked as Boomer started toward the back stairway on the north side of the building, “Let’s go in the west side.  I want to be backlit as I take off my shades and walk into the place.”

“There might, just might be something gayer than that, Cube.  Let me think on it a while.”

"Let's go get some Guinness.  Then let's see if we can't find out where your big fucking blue ox ran off to."

"You leave Babe out of this, Cube, I'm warning you,"  Boomer warned.

Retrospective

"Here he comes," declared Jane, "I swear it looks like he's on a conveyor belt."

Jane was watching the good Dr Johnson approach her little coffee shop.  She wore, as always, her golden uniform, unlit cigarette hanging from her bright red lips.  Pen stashed somewhere up there in that big heap of hair.  Lightly used order pad tucked behind her back held up by her apron strings.  Jane had seen it all and didn’t mind telling everyone all about it.  Folks didn't mind too much though.  Her heart was in the right place.  Or at least that's what everyone thought.  See Jane had a dark secr ...

Just then, the tinkling of the bell announced the entrance of Dr Johnson.  "Johnny, my boy!" Jane greeted the ever lovable doctor with feigned admiration and affection.  For you see, it was Jane who ...

"Just coffee this morning Jane.  I've got to get to work," said Johnson, holding up a hand to refuse the plate of hash Jane had already served up.  Good thing too.  Because unbeknownst to anyone, Jane had laced the meal with ...

"Are you sure, hon?  I made this plate special for you.  Don't break my heart again," pleaded Jane all sweet and everything.

"I know, Madge," his joke name for Jane that she pretended to love, but inevitably started a migraine, "And if I could I would.  Tell you what.  I'd love to get it to go.  There's nothing like your grill for me.  You know that."

"Yes, I know," Jane said grimacing, temples clamped tightly between her right thumb and middle finger as she willed the pain down into the recesses of her dark soul ...

"Are you ok, love," The Dr. asked with genuine concern.

"Right as rain, boss.  I just had a little ice cream headache.  All gone now," ensured Jane, dabbing the trickle of blood from her eyes, as she ever so sweetly forced a smile, cracking a few molars in the process.  "Let me get you a doggy bag ..."

“Hey Jane.  I’ve got the weekend free.  What do you say you and me ( I ) go down to fun park Saturday?”

Jane was stunned.  She had at one time loved the doctor with a sick kind of love.  She had fantasized that one day she would be “Mrs. Dr. Johnson (no relation).”  But she knew he was way out of her league.  How could such a wonderful man go for such a lost cause.

“Well, but I think I have to …,” Jane stammered in hot disbelief.

“Just think about it, Madge …,”  lovingly suggested Johnson.  But it came across really douchy.

“Ow, my head,” said Jane, blood escaping from her ears this time.

“Well, let me know,” said the doc, as he left the café unintentionally leaving the doggy bag of poison food.

Ding-a-ling!  Just then a really adorable family of 4 walked in and began to extol one of the presidential candidates. 

“We couldn’t agree more,” said everyone on the café, “Here, have a doggy bag of free food,”  they chimed.

The next Chapter.

A white, smoke filled, 1977 Buick LeSabre sat idling in front of the back entrance of the slick, grease-stained parking lot of Louis’ Bar and Grill.  It was Early Friday evening and already the underaged and low budget crowd were packing the joint. 

“So I says to the guy, ‘Costello is the only true king,’” Boomer squints from inside his father’s sedan, choking down his third LSMFT (Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco). 

“I should punch you myself,” chuckled Cube, “That shit ain’t right,”  searching through the haze for the remains of his soft pack of Camels.  “You know, they have Guinness  in here?”

Now normally, the boys smoked Salem’s (Boomer) and Winston’s(Cube), but while they were at the gas station, Cube told a story about his friend, the big Irish guy who went around talking like a Hollywood style Indian from the 50’s,  who said, “Tobacco never kill white man until after him use filter.”

  “That’s close to the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Boomer said as he approached the counter, “Three packs of Lucky Strike’s, please.  What’ll you have, Cube?”

“Just one pack of Camel no filters for me,”

“You ready to go in Dan?” Cube pleaded.   It had seemed funny at the time.  But looking back, the idea of smoking a pack of cigarettes, in an idling car, windows up, no air conditioning, and 95 degree heat.   Not so funny now.

Chapter so and so.

Jack Hughes spotted the old Buick right away.   He was going in to pick up some gum and cat food (for furball) at Louis market before he reported to his station working security at the Westroads movie theatre.   “Just be cool Jack,”  he told himself.  “Not your problem anymore.”

 

Jack knew if he went over there and tapped on that window, he’d make those stupid kids shit their pants.  

But he wasn’t a cop anymore.  He was just a rent-a-pig.  “Just come in to my movie theatre, boys.  Then we’ll see who has the last laugh.”

“There’s gonna be some bad weeks.  You can’t blame yourself,”  Fred chided

“It’s just that they’ll feel cheated.  And I feel guilty.”  Fred reasoned.

“Of course you’re right.  But is it your fault your sisters came over with a bunch of beer?” Fred countered.

“No, It’s Shim’s fault,”  Fred realized.

A Trailer

A low thumping gradually increases to a heart pounding bass drum beat.  The camera is set low to the ground with bare dirty feet frantically running by from stage right  to left through a lush forest.  The action is feverish and we realize the tribesmen are fleeing some horror.  Then silence.  Black screen.  Now the only sound is some woman singing Aaah - aaah, in some sort of middle eastern sounding tone that denotes either great melodrama or a penchant for Pink Floyd.  We can't be sure.

A flash of light.

Out of the jungle, a business district coffee shop.  A young doctor getting his morning coffee says, "I play for keeps, Janey."  A knowing smile crosses Jane's face.

Cut to extreme closeup of a different man's sweaty sleeping face.  Heavy sad violin music. as the camera moves out and upward, spinning, disorienting us, we see the man is not sleeping.  He's unconscious being rushed  down to emergency surgery by a crack team of interns.  The action is completely in slow motion.  Several shots of various interns concerned faces shouting and pointing as they rush to save this man.

Stop.

More Drumbeat.  Squealing tires as a 1974 Monte Carlo screams around the wet corner of a rain slick inner city road.  Cut to inside the car.  Two dirty unshaven smoking toughs are arguing, "That cat is the answer,"  shouts the driver.  "Just let me out of the car.  Now!"

Silence.  Half second of  Jane and the Dr Johnson screaming with delight as, arms up in the air, they bravely conquer the amusement park roller coaster ride on what appears to be a beautiful sunny day.

War room, Tokyo, 1945,  low ranking official berates General Yazamaka,  "You thought we could
win this war with balloons," as the General solemnly accepts the seppuku from his inferior.

Extreme close up of Dr Johnson his rain drenched face looking down, framed in total darkness.  He's near tears, "It wasn't supposed to go like this Jane.  It was supposed to be amusing"

Stop.

Blackness.  Barely visible characters form.  Still not discernible.  What could they say?  As they brighten on the completely black screen, we realize it is simply a date.  "6-22-2012, (part 1)".

Dramatically fade to black.

The Doctor is in The House

Julie couldn’t believe anyone could survive a fever like this. 

The Doctors had done everything they felt was ethical to try to bring Lenny’s temperature down, but thus far they had had no success.  In fact, several times within the span of an hour, they had misdiagnosed Lenny’s condition and prescribed treatment that nearly proved fatal.  This team was lead by the legendary Dr. Herman Johnson (no relation).  Dr Johnson was unwavering in his disdain for the Hippocratic oath.  “It’s not that I disagree with it.  I would just add the line, “Unless I feel like doing otherwise,” to the end of it.”

His main function as team leader at the big huge hospital job was to, like sit around with his group of interns and teach them how to properly diagnose certain puzzling cases that came through the door.  The interns themselves were among the world’s brightest and most diverse.  There was an Asian girl, an African American guy, an Australian guy, and a cute white girl, and a middle-aged Jewish guy who always cheated on his wife and stuff.  See.  Really diverse.

But it was hardly his brilliance that Dr Johnson was best known for.  It was just that he was so damn likable.  And he had a really smooth walk.  People usually used the word “buttery” upon seeing the smoothness of his gait.  Anyway, head Doctor Johnson (no relation), was totally cool with all of his young upstarts, and was careful to provide a positive experience for them.  Some would have said he was too nice …

Doctor Johnson lived modestly in a shabby little place near the free clinic where he spent a good deal of his free time.  His time at the free clinic had earned him no end of relatively harmless pranks from the neighbor kids.  They loved the good Dr and considered it a tribute to totally screw with him.  He understood their intentions so he didn’t get too shook up about the occasional bucket of dog diarrhea dumped on his porch, etc.

Even though it was 3 miles away, he usually walked to the hospital too.  Particularly when he was mulling over a stumper of a case.  Currently, he was puzzling over an undergrad from the Veterinary school.  The kid was brought in a couple of mornings before.  His right hand had been mangled and burned in some horrible lab accident.  The burns may have saved the kids life.  Or maybe not.  Dr Johnson and his crack team of racially diverse geniuses had no guess as to what could be the cause of the fever.  The symptoms were like nothing he’d ever seen in real life.  They were eerily similar to a paper he had written about a science fiction movie he had seen.  He postulated that the frog DNA introduced into the genome of a dinosaur would certainly cause uncontrollable fever.  The reason, was of course real sciency and certainly beyond the scope of this blog.

This morning was bright and sunny and Johnson had some thinking to do.  Unfortunately, last night some of the neighborhood kids overheard some adults talking about Johnson and got a brilliant idea. Let’s coat his front gate with butter.  Actually, it was margarine, but the result was similar.  As Doctor Johnson was leaving for work, reading his notes on the strange Johnson case, apple in his mouth, he absentmindedly turned to open his gate with his backside, unwittingly smearing margarine all over the back of his trousers. Head in his notes, he almost tripped over the homeless guy, propped up against his fence.

“Sorry Burt, I guess I’m a little distracted.  Didn’t see you down there,“  Dr Johnson apologized.

“No problem Doc, I’ll be movin’ on in a minute, I just needed to rest my dogs a spell,” came the cheery reply of Burt Rasson, an old school mate of Doc Johnson’s. 

When Johnson looked down at the dogs in question, he saw that the soles of Burt’s shoes were more mudcaked skin than shoe leather. 

“Burt.  That reminds me.  I have to get rid of some shoes I bought a while ago.  They’re just too big for me.  Do you know anyone who could use them?”

“Nobody comes to mind,” Burt grinned, revealing a mouthful of gunk that gave a whole new meaning to the word toothpaste.

“Well, if you think of anyone,” Johnson said, “here’s the card to get into my front door.  I’m going to be gone a couple of days.  You just give those shoes to anyone who might need them.  Promise?”

Burt took the credit card like key from Dr Johnson and turned it over and over, confused.  Dr Johnson chuckled, “It’s like they have at the hotels now, Burt.”

“Of course Doc, like the one I have for my room at the Hilton …”

“Take care of yourself Burt.  I’ll see you next week.”  And with that, Herman Johnson began to take his leave.

“One last thing there, Physician …”

“Anything old pal.”

“ I see you still have that same buttery gait,”  Burt noticed.

“Damn kids.  Be careful about that if you go get those shoes,” Doc warned.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Doc.  But then I didn’t go to college.”

“So long, Burt”

“I may have bigger feet than you, Herman, but you’ve got the biggest heart of anyone I ever knew,”  a tear cutting through a thick layer of disgusting goo on Burt’s sun weathered, scarred up face.

“Don’t mention it Burt.  You know how I feel about it.  I owe you.  I always will.”

True story part 2

Chapter 4,  The Adoption

The Johnson’s (no relation to Lenny) would never forget the day they learned that there was no way in hell they were ever going to have a child the way God intended.  Mr. Johnson had been a real trooper, nailing the good lady Mrs. Johnson quite regularly but to no avail.  It’s not that they really wanted children.  But their stupid friends had convinced them that they would one day regret not having children.  Of course, that was total bullshit.  The friends envied them.  They wanted to see them fall.  One friend, Julie (yeah the same one from my English class), after a particularly disgusting dose of feces spray to the face, decided enough was enough.  

“It’s not fair.  They need to play by the rules.  How can joy be appreciated without misery?” Julie asked no one in particular, stringy greenish mucousy liquid poo dripping from her chin and shiny dark hair.   That’s when Julie and her husband, my friend from school who told her I was married, decided to start bugging the Johnson’s until they agreed to make a human life.

Eventually, they sought professional help cause like Mrs. Johnson wasn’t getting any pregnanter at all.

“You could always adopt,”  Suggested the pregnancy consultation guy.

“Adopt?!?  We want a real kid, not some rent-a-kid!,” Wailed Mrs. Johnson.

“Now Ev, you know I was adopted,” Charlie Johnson spoke gently with a kind of whispery voice that came across all condescending and shit.  In fact, Charlie Johnson was the Charlie McCarthy from my English class.  Ma and Pa Johnson had adopted him after I parted ways with him.

“Here Evelyn, have a glass of water while I talk about options with the consultation guy.” 

“Don’t you condescend toward me you little dummy!  And get the water out of my face,”  Evelyn shouted, wiping tears away.

“Somebody’s pissed,”  Charlie skillfully mumbled out the side of his mouth to the pregnancy dude.

“Well, if there’s nothing else,” Hurried the consultant, “I have my next …”

“There must be something you can do for us, Doc,”  Pleaded Mr. and Mrs. Johnson in unison, prompting a surprise “Jinx you owe me a Coke!” from both of them.

“Well … There is something …  No, never mind,”  replied the Dr. guy, Realizing he had said too much.

“What?  You must tell us,” pleaded Charlie,

“There’s this little cuddowy wuddowy kit’n I know about who needs a good home …”

Chapter 5, Furball’s kind of a dick

Well that was interesting.  Admittedly I’ve left myself in a bit of a pickle.  Not sure why I attacked Lenny.  Maybe I just didn’t want to go in the cage.  But if that were true, I suppose I could have left the lab before tearing his hand all up.  Actually, I could have left without doing anything.  Oh yeah, the dogs.  No way Lenny would have just stood there while I eviscerated every dog in that god-forsaken place.  I like Lenny, except for his stupid soft spot for those ridiculous dogs.  Well, tell me Lenny, or should I say “Lefty” -  How’s that dog thing working out for you?  I kid.  I kid.  Anyway, Lenny’s injuries couldn’t be helped.  At least I was able to stop the bleeding with that Bunsen burner.

What next?  Ooh yuck, is that my image in the plate glass window?  You gotta get cleaned up ol’ furball or nobody’s taking you in.  At least get some of the dog sinew out of your whiskers.    I wonder if that pounding in my head is part of the treatment I was getting for my gum disease.  I wonder if the treatment was over.  I suppose it is now, huh-huh.  Anyway I hope my “ribbit!”  I mean “Meow.”  Woah, I don’t think I’ve ever said “ribbit” before.  Weird.  Now let’s see if we can’t find a nice lily pad and take a little cat nap.

Chapter 6, Lefty

“Why furball why,” Lenny moaned from his deep sleep.  Sweat drenched his hospital bed.  He had been in a slumber since shortly after waking to see a distressed Professor Lincoln (no relation) and his demolished lab.  His sister Julie and her friends the Johnson’s were at his bedside.  Also with the Johnson’s was their latest addition to the family.  Widdow Fuwbaww (translated “Little Furball”).

“I think he’s coming out of it,”  Julie exclaimed.

“You know, I’m gonna take furball outside.  He keeps scratching at me,”  Charlie said While Evelyn drank yet another glass of water.

“Is that the time?”  Fred asked.  “Geez, I’ll have to continue this later.”

Based on a True Story (Part 1)

LINCOLN (AP) — Authorities say a Lincoln man has been accused of poisoning  kittens by pouring antifreeze into their water bowl.

The Lancaster County Sheriff’s Office said John Lenzen, 35, has been cited on suspicion of animal cruelty.

Sheriff Terry Wagner said that, according to investigators, Lenzen had grown tired of the mess the kittens were making on his equipment in a rented bay at a machine shop.

At least one of the kittens has died.

My favorite part of the story is the last line.  It seems like it is saying that there is not less than 1 dead kitten.  But it could actually be saying “John Lenzen’s efforts were not completely in vain.”  

This is why I like the “Based on a True Story” format.  The above story is presumably true.  But it’s not really much to go on for a “Movie of the Week.”  And since I’m shooting for mini-series … Well I’m going to have to take some license.  Oh yeah and also, I don’t really know anything about any of the subject below either.  

But I can say the science stuff is “Based on True Science”

So now I present, “Lenny the Failed Veterinarian, based on a true story”

Chapter One, The Bite

“Well, I guess it can wait until tomorrow.  I’m beat,” Lenny was once again working past midnight in the school science lab.  He was obsessing over his new treatment for his favorite little patient, Furball. 

Lenny Johnson (based on a true name) had always known he’d be a veterinarian.  “Dogs and cats are easy, It is people that suck.”  Pets never say “Keep an eye on your little brother and we’ll be back in a couple of hours,” Only to die in a horrible car accident and never return, leaving you alone, scared and confused into the early morning until the knock at the door …

Lenny’s life was filled with the heartache and loss.  “I can’t help thinking I could have saved them.  If I only knew Dr. Stuff,” Was the single line Lenny wrote on his application to the most prestigious Veterinary School in the country.  He wanted to know it all.  Normally, an application like this would have been flatly rejected.  Honestly, after the interview with the dean, Lenny feared he would be destined to work the rest of his life in his dad’s little machine shop. 

As protocol, all applications to the school from within the state had to be accompanied by an interview, no matter how short.  As Lenny walked into the Dean’s office, he saw the dean was already holding a big red rubber stamp over Lenny’s application.  Lenny could also see the reverse lettering on the bottom of the stamp that said “REJECTED!”  As the stamp swung mercilessly toward the application, Lenny cried out, 

“Please wait!”

“I saw something I hadn’t seen in many years.  Something I thought died from the world eons ago.  A spark that made this tired old man believe again,” was the only explanation Dean Katz (no relation) could give.  He couldn’t  say why he decided to give “the cutter” a chance.  “Don’t make me regret it, kid,” As he welcomed Lenny Johnson with a warm handshake and a slap on the back.

Now in his senior year, Lenny was working on treating a rare form of Feline gum disease.  His subject, Furball had been brought to him after suffering from severely bad breath (even for a cat) and some inflamed gum tissue.  None of the normal treatment had worked.  Furball was initially given an antibiotic rinse and a good cleaning.  If anything, Furball’s symptoms got worse.   Furball was obviously in pain.  Refusing to eat.  Meowing all sad and everything.  

Then came the breakthrough.  

DNA testing had revealed an unexpected sequence in the cat tooth/gum area on the cat genome map thing.  Where GGTTACAAGAC was expected in a healthy cat, was the ominous GGGGCAATATA!  Lenny couldn’t believe it.  This meant that all he’d have to do is mutate Furball’s DNA and he’d be back to healthy cat mouth in no time.  Easier said than done.  Lenny and a couple of his professors at the school had been working on a ways to manipulate the tiny little cat double helices, but until Lenny got the idea from “Jurassic Park” to incorporate frog DNA, the science team had gotten nowhere.

Furball had been put on an extremely experimental DNA treatment for the past 5 days.  After the first 2 shots, his appetite returned.  He was becoming more playful and Lenny couldn’t be more proud.  It looked like everything was going to be al-right.  Of course, only Lenny knew about the treatments.  They were strictly forbidden.  This is why Lenny preferred to do the bulk of his lab work after everyone had left for the day.

But now, with 2AM fast approaching, and a 7AM class, Lenny was forced to call it a night.  As he switched off the light to exit the lab, he glanced over to Furball’s cage to say goodnight and saw the door was standing open.   With a heavy sigh, he turned the light back on and called for Furball.  He must have not quite latched the cage after tonight’s treatment.  “Here kitty kitty kitty …  Here Kitty Ki…”

Along the far wall of the lab was the door for the walk-in freezer.  Resting peacefully atop the door was fuzzy little Furball.  Lenny suppressed a grin at Furball’s amazing cute and cuddliness.  A week ago, there’s no way Furball could have gotten up there, weak from malnourishment.  “Come on fuzzy. Bedtime.”  As he reached up to help his little friend down, Furball’s eyes snapped open as he launched with impossible catlike velocity towards Lenny’s outstretched hand.  Lenny’s confused pause was all the time Furball needed to clamp his new frog fortified jaws into Lenny’s soft fleshy index finger.  The iron strong teeth sank into the bone, furball’s sandpaper tongue lapping for the marrow, Lenny’s very life force itself. 

The pain was worse than he’d ever imagined possible.  He could see nothing but the agony induced white explosions from somewhere deep in his protesting brain.  In his lifetime, He’d suffered Bunson burns, broken bones and killer migraines.  But nothing was close to this kind of pain.  He absently wondered if he could take this pain to the “pain of childbirth” argument.  Desperately thrashing around, Lenny tried to get the cat to release.  He grabbed at the cat’s head with his good arm to swing it and hopefully smash it to death into the Freezer door, but as soon as he touched the silky smooth fur of Furball’s cute little head, he received 8 deep gashes the length of his forearm from Furball’s back claws.  “I knew I should have worn my flannel shirt today,” was Lenny’s last thought before losing consciousness.

Chapter 2, Furball suspects a problem

MOUSE!!  Sweet.  I am so going to get that thing.  Look at this.  That stupid little tasty thing doesn’t even see me yet.  I’ve been approaching it for like 5 minutes and have made so much noise sliding across the floor, I have to believe there’s something wrong with its ears.  One last lick of my teeth to make sure they’re ready and I pounce.  Ow, holy crap!  What the hell?  That really hurts.  Ow.  Seriously!  Every time I touch my tongue to my nice pointy teeth, there’s this terrible pain at the gums.  The gums themselves are all puffy and red.  That can’t be good.  Ok whatever.  Focus.  Come to Furball, little mousy mouse.  There he is!  Pounce!  Oww!!  Crap missed him.  Just that little hesitation, the fear of the pain of biting down is all it took for that stupid little mouse to get free.  I guess I could just go eat the food in my bowl.  Yeah, right.  That dry crunchy crap is way worse.  I’m so hungry, but I just can’t eat.  Hopefully somebody will get worried pretty soon and send me off for highly experimental DNA splicing and testing and stuff.

Chapter 3, Just Because You get bit by a Cat/Frog Hybrid, Don’t think You’re a Superhero.

“Wake up, Lenny.”

“Professor Lincoln (no relation). Where am I?” Lenny was flat on his back being shaken awake by his gross dog anatomy teacher. As consciousness came, he felt the tight throbbing pain in his hand.  Looking up, seeing the sunlight stream in, Lenny began to panic.  “I’ve got to get to class, there’s a …”

“Shhh,”  Professor Lincoln gently pressed the palm of his hand to Lenny’s chest to hold him still.  He didn’t want him to move just yet and he certainly didn’t want him to see his mangled hand.  It looked like it had been sent through a meat grinder.  A mix of flesh, blood and bone twisted beyond recognition.  Link could not explain how it was the boy had not bled out.  Somehow the severed arteries had been cauterized.  The lab was demolished.  All the animals cages were opened and the dogs had been torn to pieces by whatever had gotten to Lenny’s hand.  “What happened here, kid?”

To be continued.  And don't worry.  It's already been written. Seriously.  What?

I can talk about this now

One of the times I went to college (the 2^nd time of 3), I took the prerequisite English class I had tested into.  Incidentally, the awkward form of the opening sentence should serve as a clue to both where I placed and how I did in the class.  I probably should have written something like “One time, in English class …”

It was a composition class so the idea was we had to write stuff.  There were going to be 4 types of composition.  I don’t exactly remember the names of them but I think there was an informative one.  I remember writing about MS-DOS.  I think I got an ‘A’ on that paper.  There was to be a couple of papers where you basically pick a fight, and one that was supposed to be persuasive.  Finally, there was a team paper.  We wrote ours on why televisions should have “V-chips”.  Thrilling stuff. 

The Professor considered himself a very amazing fellow.  He wore a bow tie and had those dark elbow cover things on his brown blazer deal. 

The first thing he tried to get across to us was that great writing was the goal.  He didn’t care if the content was misguided as long as the art itself was sound or some such bullshit.

He spent lots of time explaining that if he suspected we were writing opinions just to line up with his own, it would not go well for us.  If however, we could somehow articulate the contents of our unrefined little souls with a certain degree of skill, boy howdy.

So of course, the first thing everybody (except me) did was try to figure out his opinions and write the opposite.  They didn’t understand that if you disagreed with him, you had to write well.  Silly students.

These lectures about not trying to please him with content went on for – well at least until I was gently prodded awake by Julie.  I was in love with Julie.  I was separated from my first wife and Julie was engaged and had no clue I was in love with her.  But I’m pretty sure she was into me.  The best part about it was that Julie had long dark hair.  My future ex-wife was only jealous of blondes, so.

“Did I miss anything?”  I asked suggestively.

“Besides the drool running down the side of your chin?” said Julie, obviously captivated by my sleepy bedroom eyes.

“Yeah – I mean, did he get past not writing to please him,” I explained, subtly flexing my muscles inside my nice cozy parka as I gracefully wiped my face dry.

“Next lecture.  He’s going to talk about the forbidden 3 topics,” she trailed off, distracted by my biceps.

“What? like the joy of incest or something,” oops, must have touched a nerve.

“Ewww.  Are you going to show me how to send email or not,” She flirted.

“Oh yeah, probably your place will work best,” I suggested, perhaps revealing my hand a bit too much.

“Except I don’t have a computer, it’s 1993, not 2010, and the computer lab is right downstairs.  And my boyfriend will kick your ass.”

“But the computer lab in this building sucks.  Let’s go to Durham.  And seriously, let me carry your bag.”

“You’re such a creep,” she assured me.

So anyway, it ended with Julie a few months later and before it actually started because of my good conservative friend who did not know my wife, but thought it was wrong for me to be traipsing around with Julie even though I was separated.  He told her I was happily married.  I never saw her again.  Thanks Kevin. 

To his credit, once he did actually get to know my ex, he apologized for messing it up between me and Julie.  Good Friend.

So where was I?  Oh yeah.  The next week of English class was about the “Forbidden Three” topics.  The class was 75 minutes long twice a week.  The gist of the message was “Don’t write about Abortion, Gun Control or the Death Penalty.”

To me, that’s a 5 second lecture, not a two part 2.5 hour lecture.  But he really wanted to be quite clear that he did not want to read any more papers on those three topics and the topics were Abortion, Gun Control and The Death Penalty. 

“If you are thinking in your little brains that you are going to come up with some new interesting shocking argument either for or against one of these topics, then you are most certainly yada yada yada ...”

“What about, um - can we talk about adoption,” my Charlie McCarthy doll innocently asked. 

“Hinsley.  Get that THING out of here if you can’t keep it quiet.”

“Sorry teach, won’t happen again,” I lied.

 My Charlie McCarthy Doll had been my faithful companion since the split with my ex-wife.  But lately he’d become a little bit of a nuisance.  I was starting to wonder if things weren’t getting a little out of hand.  Like the time I woke from a nap to find him standing over me, holding a knife.

“Charlie, what’s this?”

 

“Oh you’re awake.  Good.  I uh just came in to ask you if you’d like a cheese sandwich.  That’s why I’m holding a knife, see?  To, uh, cut the cheese!  Hardy har har!”

“No thanks Charlie.  Where’s your shoe?”

“Gone,” he said, “Just gone.”

So.  Sorry.  Back to English class.  Did I mention that my mind would often wander in English class.  Just reliving it is having the same effect on this post.  Weird. 

“So are we all clear on what are the 3 things we cannot write about in this class?”

Under his breath, Charlie leans to me “About which we should not …, ouch! Not the ribs Hinsley!  Jeez.”

“Problem Hinsley?”

“It’s pronounced Hinsley.  And no.  All under control Dr. Smith,” I lied.

“I have a question.  Ouch,”  Charlie blurted out.  Oh my god, this little guy is really getting me in some hot water. 

“Actually, I’d like to hear this.  Class?  Wouldn’t you all like to hear Charlie’s question?”  The professor encouraged.

“I really don’t think …”

“Shh, let’s hear Charlie’s question.  I’ve spent the better part of 2 hours explaining the 3 things I don’t want to read and somehow, this Dummy has a question.”

“Oh professor, He really doesn’t like to be called …”

“So.  Dummy.  What is your Smart ass question?”

“Uh,  ahem.  Yes.  Well first of all, Hinsley looks a little thirsty don’t you think?  Is it ok if he drinks a glass of water while I ask my question?”

See that was Charlie’s trick.  He knew I couldn’t stop him if I was drinking water.

Hang on there’s a phone call.  Caller ID says “Washington DC”  Oh um that was Mitt Romney. He asked if it was ok if he entered my home.  Who am I to say no?

Anyway where was I?  Oh yeah, so  I pull a big glass of water from my book bag and listen helplessly as Charlie asks, “Can we write about stuff that rhymes with these things?  Because I have very strong opinions about Schmun Schmontrol …”

Hang on that must be Mitt Romney at the door …

“I wonder if I might talk to you about joining my fight …”

Chomp. Crunch. Bleed.  Transform into undead. Damn.